[Melbadaze]

This week I've been off from work and i've decorated, something I've never done in my whole 48yrs of being on this Earth. I had a friend text me one day this week simply saying "what a Miserable day", I thought she'd meant she'd been upset by something, so text back enquiring what was up? and she replied, no the weather, I had been so busy this week I'd not considered a overcast day as miserable, and that felt good. I spoke to her telling her what I'd been up too and how I'd got the paint everywhere, and it didnt matter, it just didn't matter, so what it wasn't perfect, but hubby simply said not to worry when his off the wkend he'll get some of the paint that roamed from my intended spot off lol! as I was painting I remembered T saying once about slapping paint on when she was talking about her summer spent decorating and that word, just slap it on, took the critical voice that wanted perfection out of my head and at the end of the day I love how I've transformed my bathroom!

So today in T I said how I've not taken any codiene for 11 days and T was happy about that, and I said I think I have finally got my head around that like I got it around the alcohol when I finally stopped drinking, and I told her about my busy week, and how I finally feel as if the "war" I've been living in is over, how I've spent so long trying to make it go away, I said it was like living on a battlefield and people around me couldnt see what I was seeing and were doing things they enjoyed and wanting me too do things too and how could I??? Don't they see the battle raging? but I said this week theres this sort of space, where I have dared to believe that the war may be over and I am home safe, but instead of trying to totally wipe it out of my memory, deny its there, I know its there, I know it happened, its beside me.

T said it sounds as if you were finding it difficult to tell the difference between what was a safe place and what wasn't? and that you were so hypervilgilant that you had no time for anything else and the space you talk off is very good, because you have time to think things over now??
I said how I'm afraid to go back into the nightmare, but T said well we dont know if you will or not, but if you do, people do wake up from nightmares adn it can't take away the space you have found, that will be something for you to hold onto!

All in all, Good!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Melba thanks for this, you have given my day a real lift.

[mixedup_emotions]

What a peaceful place! I'm glad you're in it!

[granite1]

awsome and good work melba

[zooropa]

this week theres this sort of space, where I have dared to believe that the war may be over and I am home safe, but instead of trying to totally wipe it out of my memory, deny its there, I know its there, I know it happened, its beside me.

wow, this is powerful stuff, melba. That peace you're feeling now, that space, it's not the temporary, fragile peace we can get from pushing things away and denying them. It's the lasting, safe peace of finally accepting them and letting them be, without pushing away, without holding on. Just letting it be.

I am so proud of the work you have done, and so happy you have found some peace and a space to rest. You deserve that.

[BlueMoon6]

Melba- I cannot express how happy I am for you and I have never heard you sound so good and peaceful. It is also possible that your brain is working so much better not having codeine to fog it. Your emotions dont have to fight the drug. That was how I felt when I let go of the last drug. I felt clean. Like I was finally me. That is how you sound. I see Melba.

I love what T said to you about what happens if the nightmare returns. That you have this space and nothing can take that away. And, you know, bad days do come and go, and no amount of peace will keep us from having bad days, but they do go and the space you found is real. I have never heard you sound so real.

I am so thrilled for you! Enjoy that slappin' on of the paint!

[Sannah]

Very good Melba! You have worked so hard. You deserve this good stuff so much!

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I finally feel as if the "war" I've been living in is over

That's how it feels, doesn't it? People ask if you have ever been in a war, and you can only answer "just the one at home". But most don't ever think of that.

Nice if and when you can realize that is the past.