Want my T back

I feel so depressed. And I know it is all my fault. It would help if I was taking my meds. But I just don't feel that it matters anymore. And it is just more money I can't afford. I cut back on the expensive ones. (and no I can't change them I've been on this combo in some combination since high school- I wouldn't want to take a chance at messing it up.) But then what am I talking about since I'm only taking some of them any way.

I just want my T back. I want to feel that there is someone IRL who cares about me. Someone who I can talk about my problems with. Who listens, and understands. Who cares about me. It took so long to really feel like my T cared about me to trust. I don't want to have to start all over again. No one else cares about me in the same way. Not even my family. They just cause me pain. Someone who knows about all the awful stuff and cares about me anyway.

I feel so alone. I feel like nothing matters. I can't sleep. And then when I finally do I can't wake up when I set my alarm for. I just keep pressing the snooze button forever.

I've never left treatment before except once (with a T who wasn't very good- end of the school year, she was on internship) except when I was moving. It's only been with my last two Ts who I've felt that they really cared about me even though they knew so much horrible stuff. And my T before that who didn't know as much and was just trying to keep me stable as I was constantly having to deal with my family.

I miss that cared for feeling. That feeling that I knew I had my time every week with my T where she cared about me. That I was able to unload all of the stress/pain/distress that came from the week and work on stuff.

I feel like a failure at life.

I want to call my last T (not the one I just terminated w/) and tell her how screwed up everything is and how I'm just messing up my life. I just want her to tell me that everything is going to be okay.

I feel like everything is just so screwed up and I'm not ever going to get it figured out.

My last T said she was trusting me to take care of myself until I get set up with someone else. What if I don't want anyone else? What if I don't want to take care of myself. I just want to curl up in a ball and bawl. I really just want to be held by my T and have her tell me that everything is going to be okay and that she still cares about me.

googley, this makes my heart hurt for you. I'm so, so sorry. Is it possible for you to email your T, did you guys discuss any future contact between the 2 of you?

(((((googley))))) Everything is going to be okay. Your T still cares about you.

It is hard enough that you have had to stop therapy, but stopping your meds too is just shooting yourself in the foot. Don't do that to yourself. Get back on your meds and call and make an appointment with a university counselor. You need that continuity of services right now.

I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much. ((((( HUGS )))))

((((( Googley ))))))) be gentle with yourself and let yourself just take things very slowly.

(((((((googley))))))) Like WePow said, please be gentle with yourself during this difficult time. Take things day by day. Remember that we are always here to listen if you need to talk.

Aha! It's not just this one T, the one before that cared too? Looks like a pattern to me. I would do the school T, tell yourself it's just for summer, save a bit of money (as if you're saving for a house or other large-ticket, valuable item you want) and look forward to seeing T later in the year and showing her all the neat stuff you'll have learned in the summer?

I didn't see my T for 9 years and then saw her again and that was one of the best things that has ever happened to me in my life. Why? Because of how we had BOTH changed and how much better we worked together than we had before. Think of this time as a move forward and a chance to broaden your experience and show yourself and your T what you're really made of?

(((googley)))