[zooropa]

I have been crying basically non-stop since I got home this afternoon. The sobbing comes and goes but in between my eyes just keep crying.

After T I went to visit a friend for a while and then I had an hour-long drive home, and had to stop and get lab work done and pick up some prescriptions before I could come home.

I just...cannot stop crying. I called my T and left her a message because I was starting to get kind of freaked out, thinking what if I never stop? what if this is me having a breakdown??

So she called me back really soon, like less than 10 minutes later. And she said she was really glad I was crying. She prefaced that by saying "you aren't going to want to hear this" which is always a GREAT thing to hear from T, lol.

I told her I am just scared and I don't understand what's happening, why now?? I'm not much of a crier, normally, although I did my fair share of it yesterday. I have never cried in T, a couple of times I have teared up but normally I can't feel that much in there.

T said something that really made sense to me, and that's the point of this whole long post. I hope this might help somebody else who may read this, because it really resonated with me. She said it's all the years (20 of them) since the SA, it's all the sadness and grieving for everything I lost, it's all the emotions I never felt or let myself feel or acknowledge.

When I said "why now??" she said it's because the dr, in doing my exam yesterday, in just touching the part of my body that was violated in the attack, it was kind of the final straw. I've been doing trauma work with my T and we've talked about the feelings and I've felt some of the feelings, but when the dr touched me physically it let the feelings come out in a different way. Does that make sense to anyone? I wish I could type exactly what my T said because it really made sense to me and I'm not sure I'm doing a great job of explaining it here.

I just know I felt a lot better after we talked. We talked just for a minute about some of the things I've lost, and T said "the great part is, your life isn't over, you still have time to have all those things you lost" and I told her how amazing it is to me to think about having a future, because the idea that I am going to LIVE is so new and foreign to me. I never made plans, never looked ahead, never thought I would live, so why bother?

Everything is changing. And I'm still crying. And it's okay. At the end of the phone call I told my T "I think I'm going to be okay" and she said "I am SO glad to hear you say that you think you're going to be okay. I think so too."

[googley]

((((((Zoo))))))

I know it can be so weird to cry when it hasn't been something we are used to. I agree with your T that it is a connection to those feelings that you haven't been able to connect to before. It will end. Even though in the middle it doesn't necessarily seem like it will. I'm glad you are feeling that you will be okay. I believe you will be too.

[mobius]

Sounds like really healthy grieving, zoo. What an incredible journey you're describing.

[elliemay]

I sometimes think we cry for a host of reasons. Sadness and grief is one of the big ones, but it is also a powerful way to release the anxiety and delayed emotion evoked by trauma.

Like you, I re-experience trauma with these kinds of exams. I will likely never get over it - the body remembers things all too well unfortunately even when the brain says "nope, we're done with that". My therapist calls them body memories and they are powerful and resonate and full of fear.

But that release is so powerful as well. The letting go of the pent up vigilance and fear. It leaves through tears. Literally just washes out.

I also think that some measure of gratitude directed at your amazing body -it can hold that kind of emotion in place, allow you to face that fear in the face, accept it, and move forward - evokes that kind of release.

I cry all the time. In fact, I almost cried reading your post because I so get it. I may yet. I used to never cry. I'm a prolific weeper now, and better for it I think.

You may end up crying a river before this is all over, but you have to release it, grieve it and get very personal with it.

You're right, I think you are going to be okay. I think you "won" this round and will continue to do so time and time again.

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, zoo, that's so powerful. As much as it hurts, it's going through the pain and not avoiding it. You are on your way to healing....

[granite1]

zoo sorry i missed this yesterday i'm sending you bunches of no strings attached hugs

[jexa]

Wow zoo.

You're really doing it! My heart's swelling up for you

I didn't see this until this morning. How's it going today?

[SpottedOwl]

(((zoo)))

I just wanted to tell you this happened to me too. I went in for a doctors visit, which was a little painful but not a big deal. In the middle of the treatment, something snapped I started crying, and was not able to stop. The worst part, was trying to tell the doctors I was 'ok'...lol. (In retrospect it is a little funny.)

I called T, and he said something similar to what your T said. It does stop, so just try to be as kind and loving to yourself in the meantime. Let the tears flow if they want to and know that with every tear a tiny little bit of that burden of pain is releasing.

Many warm and supportive thoughts for you.
Let us know how you're doing if you have a chance.

[zooropa]

thanks you guys

I'm ok today. I finally quit crying at bedtime last night. I didn't sleep well, but I almost never do so that wasn't unusual.

I'm in a lot of pain today, I have a pretty massive infection going on in addition to the ovarian cyst, and the antibiotics haven't kicked in yet. It's hard to feel this much pain in that part of my body. It takes me right back to the SA and the time afterwards. I'm experiencing similar physical sensations and it's keeping my mind stuck there, too. I'm just trying to keep breathing.

[darkrunner]

((((((((((((Zooropa))))))))))))
i'm so so sorry that you are going through all of this.
I hope your physical symptoms get better very soon so you can have a little peace.

[Sannah]

You are doing good work Zoo! You have come soooooo far in the past few months........