[peaches100]

I can't believe i did such a silly, childish thing! I guess this is sort of an off-shoot of my earlier post.

gosh i feel stupid.

i had gotten in crisis Friday and couldn't reach my t. felt abandoned even though i found out later that the temp. secretary didn't know how to reach my t. so it wasn't t's fault.

well Monday i started to miss a former (mother-like) friend of mine. somebody who i've realized is not good for me. i've talked to my h and my t, and decided not to have any further dealings with her. even tho it has been tempting to child parts of me.

like i said. . .i was feeling abandoned. . .and just a yucky kind of desperation. and rather disconnected from my t, even tho she didn't do anything wrong on Friday.

i felt tempted to contact my old friend. but i also wanted to hold to my promise that i would not renew the friendship. so. . .i dialed her number and then hung up.

really childish. . .i know.

maybe i wanted to know if she would know it was me, and respond. Like a stupid sort of thinking, "Well, i reached out to my t across the distance, and she didn't repond. i wonder if E would.

maybe i just wanted to feel some kind of connection to her without actually interacting.

i don't know.

I figured no harm was done. I assume she has caller ID and might know it was me. but i didn't speak. i didn't leave a message or ask her to call back.

Yesterday, she called me at work. i must have been away from my desk, but i saw her phone number on my caller ID/call log. She didn't leave a message. But what if she calls again and asks me if/why i called her a couple of days ago and hung up?

i'm thinking to tell her i dialed by mistake. it's not really a lie, as i made a big mistake by calling her in the first place. i can't believe i've done this. i have no intention of renewing the friendship, just as I've promised my h and told my t. it was a weak moment.

What should i do?

I feel so dumb, and mad at myself too.

i think it's just that i got so desperate when i was in crisis Friday and couldn't get in touch with my t.

Then the desperation spilled over.

I embarrass myself so much sometimes.

[zooropa]

that is so understandable, Peaches. Really. I hope you don't beat yourself up too much over it.

My first thought is that you could just not answer her calls if she calls you again. I know that may be kind of passive aggressive, but that's what I'd do. You know you don't want to start the friendship again, and talking to her would probably just be difficult for you with no real benefit. If it was me I'd just avoid her.

I can also understand how you could feel hurt over T not calling you back, even though you know now that she didn't get the message that you needed her. I think that goes back to childhood stuff, not having our needs met, and we can't change how our younger parts experience things. I have been disappointed and hurt by my T in very similar circumstances, where things were out of her control. Part of me wants to always be in control and to be all-knowing. Again, I think that goes back to childhood stuff and is a good thing to talk through with your t.

[rainbow8]

Hi, Peaches

I hope your session today helped you get some of your thoughts and feelings addressed. Did you do IFS about the childish part who called your former friend? I think that would be a good way to go. What did your T suggest doing if she calls you again? I'm thinking about you!!

[peaches100]

Zooropa,

You mentioned that "we can't change how our younger parts experience things." I have found that to be SO TRUE! Yet whenever those hurt parts of me react, i feel very critical of myself because i know i'm an adult and expect myself to act/feel/think like one.

T and i have talked about how i have very conflicting parts of myself that feel different ways. Mainly due to not being able to deal with intense feelings and traumatic experiences in childhood. I learned early to stuff all the pain away, and apparently, i stuffed a big portion of myself away at the same time.

Since my depression hit a few years ago, it's like that child that i used to be -- that i pushed away because i couldn't deal with my feelings -- has reappeared. and that part of me still has the same traumatic, intense feelings now that i had back then!! And i still can't handle them!! It's frustrating because the normal adult side of me is not needy and intense like this at all.

My t has told me over and over again i should not be so critical and punitive of this "child" part of me that shows up at times. She said that if i could just accept this part of me and her needs, that the end result would eventually be that she is not so needy and intense anymore. My t believes that it is because i try so hard to push this part of me away that it reacts even stronger, trying to be heard.

[peaches100]

PS - My old friend has not called me back, and since it has been a few days now, i don't think she will. So hopefully, this is not an issue to worry about anymore.

[peaches100]

Hi Rainbow,

In my session this week, we did talk a little bit about my calling E and hanging up. I told my t that i had called E during a weak moment, and that i felt stupid and childish, and regretted it. I said i thought it was because i'd been in crisis and had not been able to get in touch with t when i was feeling so bad. T understood. She said it made sense that my younger "parts," when in crisis, would revert to their old behaviors -- in other words -- in the past, years ago, when i was depressed, i would contact E.

T said she was sorry I hadn't been able to get in touch with her last Friday. They've had so many new people at the secretary/scheduling desk lately -- and the new girl didn't know if she was supposed to call t in a situation like this -- or how to contact her. My t said she was actually very angry about what had happened, and that she could think of a few "expletives" she could use to describe her feelings about it. Since that happened, she has talked to the girl and let her know how to contact her if a patient is in crisis. However, t told me that since i have her cell phone number, maybe the best bet, if i get into a situation like that again, is to just call her myself and leave the office out of it. She told me that she's known me a long time, and she gave me her cell phone for situations like that, and that she knows i wouldn't misuse it.

[mixedup_emotions]

I'm glad you were able to work through this with T - that you were able to have T's support - and that you now have T's cell in case you need to use it.

[zooropa]

My t believes that it is because i try so hard to push this part of me away that it reacts even stronger, trying to be heard.

yes! My T loves the saying "that which we resist persists". And I've found it to be true, too, as hard as it is to stop pushing away feelings.

[Sannah]

Peaches, I am noticing that you are in a different place on this thread. While you are explaining this crisis that you had here on this thread, the adult you is doing it. You are collected and calm. This is progress!!! I also agree that you can't fight that inner child. The only way that she is going to grow up is by expressing herself and yes, sometimes acting out because this is what children do sometimes. You are doing good work Peaches!!