Pushing pushing pushing.

So T yelled at me yesterday. No she didn't.

She says it doesn't work for me to send her hysterical emails and then refuse to discuss or acknowledge them when we are talking.

So OK.

So I just don't know what she wants me to do? Not send her emails? Only send her happy superficial emails?

Lots of times I will send her something that's a bit overwrought, but just sending it makes me feel better, so no I don't really remember what i was upset about and also it's long past by the time I see her so it's not worth talking about.

anyway i haven't sent her any emails today because i want to do what she wants. but i don't know what that is. so i called her and asked her to tell me what she wants me to do. and she hasn't called me back yet and i feel unsettled.

i have called her 3 maybe 4 times today. i thought she wanted me to send her emails. She has told me to send her emails -- she says it lets her know what's going on with me. she has encouraged that. now it is making her mad? not mad, but critical. She is being critical of me. (which is the same as mad, really.)

I really don't know what she wants from me. I feel like I've had about enough of this, I really do.

far, I think the second part of what she said is important. She didn't say simply that it doesn't work for you to send her emails, but that what doesn't work is not discussing them in session later. So, no, I don't think she doesn't want you to email her.

I also understand that what you were feeling at the time of writing the email may be vastly different from what you are feeling in session, sometimes many days later. I think your T would understand that, too. Did you explain that to her?

I definitely relate to the unsettled feeling of waiting for a call back from your T. Just know you are not alone.

thanks zooropa. yes, you are probably right. she wants me to talk about them. she prints them out and tries to make me read them or listen to her read them. so yes, that is what she wants. to talk about them. you are right.

i am just not sure i want to.

and she still hasn't called me back.

ok, i guess i should go calm down.

thank you for your response. what you say is correct, i know it.

Far, I would wait until she calls you back. Maybe she got really busy and hasn't had a chance? There usually is a reason

Also--my T said the same thing to me a few months ago! Except she told me e-mailing her wasn't a good idea anymore...for the same reasons as your T gave you. I would put all this emotion in an email and then never talk about it.

My T put it as that it wasn't helping ME any to write her but never talk about it. That it was good she was knowing how I felt, but it never got resolved. She is right, and I do avoid hard topics in the therapy room. I've sent her one since then, and she says just to call her if I feel overwhelmed.

I hope your T gets back to you.

It sounds to me like she wants you to keep sending her emails but then talk about them in session. If by the time the session rolls around, you are past whatever was in them, you can briefly acknowledge the email and then move on. Something like, "that email I sent you was all about how sad I was about X, but then Y happened, and I got a chance to grieve and don't feel sad now. Right now, I'd like to talk about Z, which is really bothering me." Hopefully she would be satisfied with that, and you will get to talk about the topic most important to you in the moment.

Another thing is that even though you are feeling really upset when you write those emails, it seems to pass by the next session, even though you haven't talked about it with T. So maybe it's not so critical you send her the emails--you "get over it" on your own anyway. How about writing the stuff you usually write in your letters in your journal? And then talking in session with T about what is most important? It might be what you wrote in the journal or it might be something else entirely.

this is so much of what i'm going through. i wish i had some great words to share but all i have are hugs and understanding of what you are going through

Far,
i had the exact same idea as Sunrise, that journaling might be a good option for you.
But then, on the other hand, I think it could be helpful for your T to know and understand what you are thinking and feeling during the week, and how you react to certain things and how they affect you.

I think it's kind of strange that she says the emailing 'doesn't work for you'.

It sounds more like it is not working for HER. It is working for you just fine, and giving you an opportunity to express your feelings in the moment, which is a good thing.

Try not to worry - it sounds like with some more conversation you and your T will be able to find a good solution that works for both of you.

I have a friend i email in much the same way. One minute I'll fly off the handle and e-mail her as a type of crutch and a few hours later I feel better.
She doesn't even need to have replied.
I think it is purely the act of gathering your thoughts, thinking about the words for the emotions you are really feeling and putting them on paper/e-mail that is the actual healing part.

I will agree that journalling may help you, and you get to keep a record to look back on.

sounds like you just want to be picked up and held, a place where words do not exist, so thats why its so difficult to then have to sit and talk about it? by tme you get to session the crying part of you has just disocOicated the tears away and its like, what, I don't know what your talking abot. Maybe??

I'm sorry you're so frustrated. It does seem that your T just wants to be able to explore what you've written during the session. My T is ok with emails, but he sees it as a prelude to discussing it in person. I know there's value in that, but it's also very hard....especially when the moment has passed....or when things are written because I have a hard time verbalizing them and end up frozen in the moment.

Far, not sure I follow you here. If my T and I are not actually talking about things that happened decades ago, we're very often talking about something recent that ties back to things that happened decades ago, and all of this is certainly worth talking about. Maybe this is what she is thinking and you might look at it that way?

Maybe it runs something like this: She cares about you, and your overwrought emails raise her concern enough that she formulates some plans on how to work with you on [whatever you called about]. Then when she sees you next, you discount it, and her ideas or plans must be discarded. That might give her some frustration?

Thanks everyone. She just called me. She said that she is not angry at me, and that I can email her anyway I want and there is not a problem. She said she didn't tell me not to email her.

But I still feel in collapse mode. Very shaky and anxious and unfocused.

I do journal, and it is very helpful. But it doesn't work for me in these situations -- I think it's that journaling is isolated, and when I feel like this, I just want the connection. With her. I don't need her to reply, I just want her to know how I feel.

I agree that its the act of writing the emotions, seeing what I feel, that is the helpful part , but what's also very helpful is just knowing that she will read it, knowing that she knows me. The connection.

I think she does tend to plan out sessions in a general way -- have some topics that she wants to address or some point she wants to make. Although she is certainly flexible.

I don't know. I have a tendency toward extreme dissociation, which is why I have such trouble remembering emotion-laden things. She wants me to remember them. I want to just go about my life, send her hysterical emails when I get overwhelmed, and then go on with my life some more. But I guess that does bother her. She wants me not to need that, it's her job to help me not need that. (And I suppose she cares, also.)

Thanks again for all the replies. I suppose I should do 2 things:

1. start journalling
2. stop avoiding hard topics in session.

Oh, and 3. I cut down on my meds 10 days ago without telling anyone, and I suppose that's part of what's destabilizing me now. I suppose that was a bad idea, and I need to go back up :-(

Thanks again,

-Far

I'm glad you heard back from your T. It really sounds like your T is trying hard to help you.

Maybe try to take a couple steps in those directions...maybe just not giant leaps.

Journaling does sound like a good idea - and if you want to send them to T, then it seems as though your T is ok with you sending them. But, maybe try to be more willing to address them in person as well or at least talk about the obstacles you have with that, so that maybe some progress will be made. Little steps are better than standing still, right?

Far - you made a LIST of things you might do to make things better! this is great - when I can do something like that it means that the emotions no longer have the upper hand, at last * I * do...

Hope that is true for you too. here

MUE, thanks. Yes, she is trying to help. I don't know why I'm so difficult. I don't know why she puts up with me.

SAWE, yes, lists are good. Now, if I can only do the things on them!! LOL!!!

Take care,
-Far

These are good things to explore. I imagine that she "puts up with you" because she sees your potential and wants to help you sort through this.

Not sure if you feel this way too - but I sometimes wish my T would just give me the answers that I feel he may already know but wants me to figure out for myself...frustrating.

I was also thinking that journaling would help. WHen I read Melba's post it made me think of how many times that had happened to me. I dont email my T, she has never offered that, but if she did I think I would be sending out hysterical emails with ALL kinds of stuff in there and by the time I got to session I would have shut down or pushed the pain so far away that I would barely remember what I wrote in the email.

I agree that T actually said she wants you to email but talk about whatever it is in sesison. I would imagine that she is concerned about you when she reads that you are struggling. Is it possible that it is difficult to say some things in words and easier to write it out and hit send? Or maybe the crisis has past?

I am embarrassed to admit that I have done this throughout therapy. When I started with her, I would leave distraught messages on her answering machine, but then if she called me back, I would get even more upset. So she agreed to only call me back if I asked her to. But she never did like the 'leaving hysterical messages thing' because (I realize now) it allowed me to somehow relieve my feelings with ever dealing with any issues.

I think I do the same thing now with emails. It's a little better, (because she prints out the emails) but not much (because I usually don't let her read them to me.)

I don't know.

I have a horrible problem with remembering things that have any emotion connected to them. I used to cut and not remember doing it -- just all of a sudden notice marks on my arms. I would lose time. I would have conversations with people and not remember them until people told me. And I forget a lot of therapy things, too. Sometimes I am just wandering in my mind, and she has to call me back. So I really do have a hard time dealing with difficult things in therapy -- I just forget them most of the time. I mean really really forget. It's very strange.

I guess I need to think about this some more. I think maybe I will print out the emails after I send them to her and read them. Then I will remember what I said, and think about it, and, also, that's probably what she wants me to do.

Thanks, I really do appreciate the advice and support from you guys.

Take care,
-Far

(Just wanted to say that I don't forget or lose time nearly as much as I used to. It's not something we've ever really talked about, but it's definitely one of the many things that being with her has helped with.)

blue, I avoided emailing my T for a long, long time for that exact reason: I was afraid once I started it would end in me emailing her long, ranty things at all hours of the day and night. Now, I have emailed her a few times, but never really anything long or particularly emotional. When I've emailed her, I feel the same way I do in therapy: that every single word is going to be analyzed and therefore it has to be PERFECT. that keeps me from emailing the contents of my head at any given time.

Far, it's very brave of you to admit something that you are embarrassed about. Believe me, though, you are not alone.

(( HUGS ))