Ruptures

OK, so I said I was going to "rest"....but I ended up just reading up on stuff online and getting myself more worked up. I'm less worked up today than yesterday. I am now moreso trying desperately to figure out what I'm feeling and why, what triggered it, what I could've done differently, etc....I feel like I'm in a forest and don't know where to turn to get to safety....I wish this was easier....

Anyway, I was reading up on ruptures in therapy....and I read something interesting. Here's an excerpt taken from Principles of Counseling & Psychotherapy: Learning the Essential Domains by G.Mozdzierz, P.R.Peluso and J.Lisiecki....which was available online:

"Regardless of the underlying issues, once a rupture in the alliance has occurred, it is the responsibility of the therapist to attempt immediate repair. In order to do this, the therapist must first recognize that a rupture has occurred. The two types of behaviors that seem to indicate that a rupture has occurred are withdrawal behaviors and confrontation behaviors. Withdrawal behaviors are any actions that seem to limit the clients participation in therapy and signal his disengagement. Confrontational behaviors are expressions of anger, frustration or resentment toward the therapist or the therapeutic process. Each of these types of behaviors is designed to stop the therapeutic process and force the therapist to react. The therapist's reaction will generally determine whether the rupture will become a breach in the alliance (and effectively end therapy) or will be repaired in an attempt to salvage (and possibly strengthen) the alliance."

During my last session, I felt pushed and then abandoned. I know I withdrew, big time. We went through a long period of silence which is not typical during my therapy. When I finally did speak, it too was a signal of withdrawal. In that moment, a rupture was occurring....I didn't know what I needed, felt incredibly sad, distant, confused....My T did not take action to attempt immediate repair. Instead, he was cold and clinical and helped me further withdraw. And then ended the session with me feeling incredibly awful. T was fully aware of that, contributed to it, and let it end that way.

Perhaps he was trying to get me to ask for what I needed. Perhaps he was trying to let me sit with my feelings to the point of being so uncomfortable that I'd take action. I can only guess what he was trying to do because he certainly didn't tell me.

But regardless, a rupture occurred as a result of something....and instead of helping the relationship so that I could feel more at ease with expressing and exploring what I was feeling, he was cold and clinical and said things that helped me shut down even further.

I'm disappointed at how he handled it. He is the professional.

Can anybody relate? How have you handled ruptures with your T?

I'm not sure I know what a rupture is. I know I've had negative transference toward T and felt she wasn't doing enought to "fix" me, and often I felt as if T was "happy" for me to feel the way I was feeling as I left, of course that was all part of the negative experience I was having and in reality had little to do with "us", but if she had of "fixed" me, I wouldnt have moved through the negative transference. SHe did respect me at all times though, even during our negative transference moments. I think unless one is almost a fly on the wall, one could put ones foot in it by offering thoughts?

I think sometimes in the moment, the T doesn't know what is happening and may not have perceived the rupture yet. It may be so obvious to you that you can't believe the T wouldn't know. But it's almost like it's too soon to be recognized by him. The next session is often where it comes out that there was a rupture. That is why it is especially important to go to the next session instead of dropping out or canceling.

I haven't had a lot of ruptures, but my experience has been that my T usually does not know there has been a rupture until I tell him the next time (ideally) or in my case, sometimes quite a few sessions hence. I hope you can go to therapy next time and tell your T what has been going on for you--a rupture. That is when I would expect him to take immediate action and try to work through it and repair.

my T seems to have decided to never talk about our relationship, unless I bring it up, and even then she doesn't say much. This made our first few ruptures especially painful for me, because I had no idea what was going on or how to deal with it. I hadn't found PC yet and didn't know there was such a thing as a rupture or that it's common or that it can result in a stronger therapeutic relationship in the end. I just thought it was me being me, messing everything up as usual.

I have to say, as good as my T is at her job, I think it would be helpful to me if she would ever want to talk about things like ruptures, transference, and other aspects of our relationship. My opinion is that this is an area where she is lacking, but of course I second guess myself about that and wonder if she doesn't have some specific reason for being the kind of T she is. Of course, I also don't know how she relates with her other clients, so maybe it's just me.

All this is just to say, I find this very difficult and painful. Reading and posting here is the only thing that has helped me and I really think I would have quit T by now if I hadn't learned everything I have here, and if I didn't have this place to come for support.

I know that probably doesn't help you a lot, MUE, but I'm kind of caught in a rupture w/my T right now too and those are just my thoughts on the subject. I hope when you see your T next (on Thurs, right?) that he will be the old T you know and not this new, cold T you saw last time.

I have had a few ruptures but not many, and thinking back, when my T realized there was a rupture, the response was immediate. I can think of 3 times. Twice he didn't know it had happened, but when I told him, he swung into action immediately to try to repair. The swiftness of his response made me love him. The third time, I was struggling with perhaps the beginning of a rupture and tried to talk about it, and we had a much bigger rupture right there in front of our eyes. I don't know if my memory is accurate or not, but I recall that he got out of his seat, right across from me, and retreated to the corner of the room, and talked to me from there, while standing up. Could this really have happened (maybe I am imagining this)? My memory is that he was agitated and so couldn't sit calmly there so close to me. He was upset so maybe he needed some distance. While we were in the middle of rupturing, he wasn't making efforts to repair it. It had to unfold first. He was caught up in it too. He's human. We had to talk for quite a bit and each tell our point of view and work hard to come to shared understanding. It was not like the other two times when he went into repair mode. So we did end up fixing that, but it was really different from the other times.

He told me later that he likes that I will tell him about these things going wrong with us. I was flabbergasted by that as I do not consider this something I am good at at all. One of the reasons I try to do this with him is because I am trying to "unlearn" the bad patterns from my marriage. In that relationship I never said what was the matter, or if I did, I got shot down and the ears were closed. It is very healing to be able to have a rupture and repair it. In my marriage, a rupture felt like the end of the world. It is amazing to experience in therapy that a rupture is temporary and doesn't have dire consequences. This is a profound feeling for me, in a very felt sense, in my body.

MUE, I share that because I think there are huge gains to be made from going back to therapy, telling your T there was a rupture, and working through it. It could be one of the most valuable parts of therapy. I know it totally sucks to feel a rupture, and you just want to withdraw, but every rupture sits on the cusp of healing. They are like too hot to touch coals, but when they cool, it turns out they were gems.

i think i just had a rupture and i quit therapy and then drunk myself into oblivion.

T 100% caused the rupture which made me really really scared and she did nothing to fix it

i hope yours works out better

T is great at repairing ruptures. I had a session once when he never said one thing nice, I need the "You are worthwhile" or other subtle things he says to increase my self esteem.
All he did was say over and over that he wasn't judging me, but by the third time that is exactly what i felt like he was doing. After I left the session i called him and told him i felt like a wounded animal.
I was still so frustrated and felt like he just didn't care, so i called up the following day and quit, he said therapy is a collaborative effort and we need to talk together.
He then called and offered me another appointment to work through it, I took him up on it a couple of weeks later and it turned out to be one of the greatest sessions in a very long time. Thanks to pc, I was able to talk and tell him what i was feeling. Tried to remember the therapy is for me. Please attempt to go back and try to repair, if it doesn't work, you can always tell yourself that you tried! Good Luck!

thanks for sharing this hon. it's actually quite refreshing to know there's a name for what i'm going through with my own t atm. this is a first for us in our five yrs together.

hang with it hon. this can be worked out and through. take care

((((((((((((MUE))))))))))))

As you probably know, I have had many many ruptures with my T...some small, some HUGE, some short, some LONG, and everything in between.

I think the first thing that has to happen in a rupture is that T needs to know that there IS a rupture. I know that I can walk out of therapy without saying anything, with my head down, clearly upset, but unless I tell him that HE is what upset me, he might not know. He might think I'm upset about whatever we were talking about in session, or upset about all of the feelings have been stirred up, or....??

There are times he knows right away, but that is after literally YEARS of therapy. He knows me well enough to read me pretty accurately, so if he says something that upsets me, I think he can almost just feel my reaction. Of course, after years of therapy, I'm also more likely in the moment to just call him on whatever it is that is upsetting me.

I know for a fact that I've used ruptures with T in the past to avoid hard stuff. Not consciously - but looking back, it's really clear. so...we would get really, really close to the CSA stuff and suddenly, I would be SO angry or hurt for whatever reason, and all of the focus would be on the rupture instead of the yucky stuff. Last summer, the CSA stuff started to come up at the beginning of the summer, and we managed to spend literally the entire summer in a rupture.

Having said all of that (!! I have way too much experience with ruptures lol), I would also say that ruptures are probably one of the biggest reasons that T and I have the kind of relationship that we do. He is always VERY willing to own his part in whatever is going on, and he is never blaming at all...but it takes both of us working TOGETHER to heal a rupture. Lately T and I have been talking about how hard we worked to develop the trust and closeness and connection that we have...I mean, it was WORK. But so worth it. The ruptures have taught me to speak up for myself (something I never could do before) and they have taught me that some things are really truly worth fighting for. They've also taught me that no matter how much someone cares about us, they WILL make mistakes, and sometimes the only thing we can do is talk, forgive, and move on.

I know I've written a novel here...this is something that I think is REALLY important in therapy.

If I were in your situation, MUE, I would tell T at my next session exactly how I felt in the previous session. The only way to heal a rupture is to start talking about it.

Ruptures with T can be SO painful. Lots and lots of to you.

Where is your power MUE? You have the power to address this.

Thanks for sharing your experiences, everyone...

I know I will try to work through this with T. I am just not sure exactly what I'm feeling...I guess I'm just trying so hard to analyze myself and the situation that I just go around in circles and end up nowhere...

I don't know what "fits", and I want to be sure to address this with T properly and really explain what I was feeling, what I am feeling, etc.

I hate the idea of going to group T tomorrow night without having a chance to work through this with T first.