[seventyeight]

i've been trying to come to terms with the fact that i (and probably the rest of you) only get 45 minutes, once a week, with my therapist. how is that possibly enough time? it seems like nothing as compared to how many hours i work or how many hours i sleep each week. how does one make the most of it? and what does it really mean, if anything?

maybe i'm just in that bad place where i feel like i don't mean anything to my therapist, and i'm wanting to "take up more time" in her life. maybe it's that i think that if she were seeing me more than the 45 minutes, i would matter to her. but i only see her that much, and she definitely matters to me - so it doesn't make sense.

i seem to really be struggling with this right now, and was just wondering if anyone had any thoughts..

[WePow]

for us when going through trauma work - it was not enough time at all. Ended up going 3x week for a few months. I am back to 1x wk and already feeling the big emotional distance. But that is life for me :-(

[onlymedid]

I agree, I don't think that's enough time. Sometimes I sit there and she says time's up for today or whatever and I just think to myself that there is no way in heck I was there that long already.
I find it really hard to get everything out from my week in that amount of time, let alone have her help me with my issues.

[seventyeight]

thanks for the feedback. it's not even that the 45 minutes are too short (well, they are), it's that in comparison to working say, a 40-hour week, it just seems like so little. how do we grow and effect change in such a small amount of time, compared to all the time we spend in stuck in traffic or watching tv, etc? (heck, i probably spend more than 45 minutes a week brushing my teeth!)

Yes, it is the "too much life vs. too little therapy" thing, I totally get it. I go twice a week and I STILL feel that way. My T appts are the fastest thing in my week; it feels like all the rest of everything else slows down to 1 mph while therapy appts go by at like 100 mph. I am already bummed when I am driving there because I know it is going to be over before it has even started? Anyway, I am sorry I don't have any encouraging words of wisdom, but I just totally get what you are saying!

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by seventyeight

thanks for the feedback. it's not even that the 45 minutes are too short (well, they are), it's that in comparison to working say, a 40-hour week, it just seems like so little. how do we grow and effect change in such a small amount of time, compared to all the time we spend in stuck in traffic or watching tv, etc? (heck, i probably spend more than 45 minutes a week brushing my teeth!)

Which I guess is why therapy goes SO SLOW. It takes a long time to build up the trust and work through those issues.

Originally Posted by seventyeight

how do we grow and effect change in such a small amount of time,

My T says most of the work of therapy is done outside of therapy. I think that's true for me...

BUT! Would I love more time with T? Yes. We just switched from twice a week (my schedule for 2 1/2 YEARS) to once a week, and I really feel the difference.

My T allows e-mails and phone calls, and that helps a bit.

[lily99]

It takes me about half an hour to feel "connected" in a session, and to really start getting things out. Sometimes my T is 10 mins late from the session before me, and then my session finishes 5 mins early. Our lives can be so demanding, it feels like time can be "stolen" from us and so I totally get why this might distress you

[ECHOES]

heck, i probably spend more than 45 minutes a week brushing my teeth!

Ha!

I agree, it seems like such a short amount of time, outside of therapy. But when there it feels like it's longer than an hour to me. Weird. I have gone twice a week and I love it. I've been trying to get myself back to being able to afford twice a week again. It does work even better.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by seventyeight

how does one make the most of it?

When I was seeing my T weekly for 50 minutes, I would try my best to get right to the issue, since the time was so short. I tried to get value from every minute, and didn't wait until the end to bring up important issues. Onlymedid wrote: "I find it really hard to get everything out from my week in that amount of time, let alone have her help me with my issues." In such a short time, I found I couldn't talk that much about my week, so I just skipped that and went straight to the issues. If I'd had some sort of crisis during the previous week, I would mention that, but I tried to do the important "work" of therapy without doing too much "catch up".

and what does it really mean, if anything?

My T thinks a great value to therapy is that we get to be "seen" by someone who "gets" us. There is something very warming and healing about that. Being seen by another can help us to know ourselves better and to be ourselves. I find meaning in that.

I agree with treehouse about most of the work being done outside of therapy. Sometimes it would take me a full week to process my session and I was glad I didn't have another session sooner, because I never would have figured things out or completed processing. (I think I am a slow processor.) Journaling helped with processing, and I got to check assumptions out in the real world. Now I go to therapy once every two weeks, and it was really hard at first, with such a short session. We increased it to 90 minutes, and that works a lot better.

maybe it's that i think that if she were seeing me more than the 45 minutes, i would matter to her. but i only see her that much, and she definitely matters to me - so it doesn't make sense.

You only see her 45 minutes and she matters to you, so why can't such a short length of time make you matter to her too? If it's true for you, it can be true for her. It does make sense!

i seem to really be struggling with this right now

The T relationship is kind of odd, or at least unique. It is a struggle to know how to handle it because we have never had a relationship like it before. It has its own special quirks that take some getting used to. It also has a lot of protections built in for the client, which is something we don't get out in the real world, where we have to operate without a net.

[seventyeight]

thanks to all of you.. wepow, onlymedid, tractionbeam, velcro, treehouse, lily, echoes, sunrise.. for such thoughtful comments. i've gotten a lot out of each of your posts, and it's so nice to find people that can understand and relate.

treehouse, thanks for reminding me that most of the work is done outside of therapy. i forget that sometimes, but it's totally true. i think there's a part of me that wants the work to be done "inside" therapy though, like it would be more meaningful or special that way. i don't know exactly, but your comment made me think about it - and realize that i seem to want it that way.

sunrise, you made an interesting point about the "therapist relationship," that it's kind of odd. i've been thinking a lot about that lately, and was wondering if anyone wanted to make comments on that - or could tell me where i could read more about it? i'm wondering mainly why it's designed the way it is.. a one-way street. i'm not saying it should totally be two-ways, but just a little more balanced. i question whether the imbalance is helpful to the client or not..

Originally Posted by seventyeight

thanks for the feedback. it's not even that the 45 minutes are too short (well, they are), it's that in comparison to working say, a 40-hour week, it just seems like so little. how do we grow and effect change in such a small amount of time, compared to all the time we spend in stuck in traffic or watching tv, etc? (heck, i probably spend more than 45 minutes a week brushing my teeth!)

Do you really want to make therapy a full-time job? I don't. Once a week is about all I can take unless some crisis is going on. We have to live our lives outside of therapy. That's really important. Therapy shouldn't become all-consuming, IMO. That's just not the reality of living life day-to-day.

[seventyeight]

hi farmergirl, good point. no, i don't want to make therapy a full-time job. i think what i'm realizing through all of this is that it's not the (lack of) time that's bothering me, it's the feeling that maybe i'm not that important to my therapist. how could i matter to someone that doesn't see me very long each week? so i guess that's the issue. i'm just trying to sort it all out..

[sittingatwatersedge]

Farmergirl wrote >>> We have to live our lives outside of therapy. That's really important. Therapy shouldn't become all-consuming, IMO. ..

I have been looking at this thread, and counting up all you highly blessed folks - with your one hour a week schedules, or even more - I see T every 3-4 weeks (financial & job constraints), and it's very difficult indeed to get anything much done in a one-hour session.

As for therapy becoming all consuming: well not ALL, but darned near all, yes!!! because of the problems that cause one to go to therapy in the first place. As long as those are causing major pain / problems in one's life, yes it's going to be in the front & center of one's thoughts.
It had better be. That is what enables us to live our lives outside of therapy... yes?

[Perna]

I think it's fine, especially since we carry the stuff we discuss around in our head and hearts for the rest of the week and are thinking about it and working on it on our own. I don't think I could do work that intensely, continuously, for much longer than an hour or two a week? There's no "break"/relaxation with mine; my T refuses to talk about the weather

[rainbow8]

I identify with your predicament very much, sevenyeight. I know how you feel. Most of the years I was in therapy I had about 50 minutes and it always seemed like about 5! It was NEVER enough. It seemed like as soon as I started talking the time was up. I hated it, but what can you do?

I do agree with Tree and sunrise that a lot of the processing goes on outside of the session. Also, we ARE important to our Ts even though it's one-sided. I've had a number of Ts and they all showed me in different ways that they cared. But I hate the inequality too. I've always struggled with that.

For me, it HAS seemed like therapy was my whole, life, and that's my issue. Farmergirl, I agree with you, but not everyone can do that. You don't have problems in that area, but many of us do. Therapy is unique, and it sets us up to want that time for ourselves, and somehow therapy becomes the most important part of our week.

I was surprised when my new T offered me 1 1/2 hour sessions! She's a provider under our insurance so it doesn't cost so much more. I can't tell you what a difference it makes to me. I don't feel rushed like I used to. I don't have those terrible feelings when I leave. I can say what I want. I don't know if you can do that, but it's the best "gift" Kt has given to me!! I still struggle with the therapeutic relationship, and want more from her than she can give me, but that's my issue, sigh.... Maybe you can go every 2 weeks but for 1 1/2 hours, or try a longer session once?

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by seventyeight

sunrise, you made an interesting point about the "therapist relationship," that it's kind of odd. i've been thinking a lot about that lately, and was wondering if anyone wanted to make comments on that - or could tell me where i could read more about it? i'm wondering mainly why it's designed the way it is.. a one-way street. i'm not saying it should totally be two-ways, but just a little more balanced. i question whether the imbalance is helpful to the client or not..

I think therapy is set up the way it is largely for the convenience of therapists, and because that is the way it has been done since time began... I can imagine other ways of doing it that might be a lot more productive, at least for those who are really in deep need. For those who have reached a certain point, probably therapy once or twice a week is OK, even better than spending more time on it. Some people, I think, could do with a more intensive experience. But I am not sure if anything will be ever done about it.

[purple_fins]

hey seventyeight,
Sorry you struggle with the short time therapy is, compared to the rest of the week. I used to feel that way......... I wasn't getting relief and healthy functioning fast enough..... Now, focusing more on trauma.... I find myself wishing to skip a week, it's very difficult working on such stuff. (find dissociating much easier, but *sigh* that keeps me in the dysfunction)

anyway, I also wanted to talk about what you and Sunrise had posted-- about the therapy relationship being "odd"....
I agree.

I still don't get it and feel as though I'm being given double messages...... like: You CAN talk about this here in therapy but not around some people(like family, who don't even believe in therapy), you are encouraged to be giving and thoughtful to others but NOT to the therapist(most don't accept gifts, and no personal calls), even though you might not know how friendships really work-- you can't practice that here as I CAN NOT be your friend..... ugh.... and to top it all off-- The therapist is going to encourage Narcissism(which I struggle to not be) as you talk and talk about yourself without a single thought to how/what the therapist is up to or feeling. I really don't get it........ as far as relationships go..... maybe therapy is not suited well for the profoundly disordered ones that are so damaged..... IDK......(not referring to anyone but me here... )

well, I wish you all the best in your healing journey.
It's sure not a straight and easy path

fins

[seventyeight]

excellent insights, purplefins! that's something i hadn't thought of, about how we're encouraged to be mindful of everyone but our therapist. but maybe the mindfulness is happening in other ways.. like *don't* give me gifts or *don't* call me on the weekends.. it's like a different set of norms and customs. and yes, it's like learning how to be a good friend with someone you can't be friends with. the encouragement of narcissism is a great point.. i think that's what i struggle with the most. it's normal for me to say, "how are YOU today?" when i'm asked. plus, when it comes to my therapist, i'm genuinely interested.

does anyone know of any good books on the subject? i'm currently reading "in session" by deborah lott, but i'm not finding it too helpful for this particular issue.

[rainbow8]

In Session is a great book!! I wish there was more written about the T relationship too. I know that if it were equal, it wouldn't work as well. The T has to be there for us without wanting or needing for us to give back to her or him. It's not that they couldn't or don't want to have it be more equal. But they are doing a job--for us, and it wouldn't be so productive if we carried on long conversations about "their stuff".

However, with my first T I never asked how she was or anything like that. But with the others, I did. Not often, but I took that step, to me it was hard. I asked how vacation was, how they felt, and wished them congratulations on their child's marriage. Of course with Bt I saw her in RL so it made it easier. But you can ask how your T is. I guess it depends on the T. My new one told me when she was driving her daughter to college when she had to change my appt. She could have just said she had to change it. So, I asked how her trip was at my next session. She answered briefly. Short interactions like that make the relationship more equal.

But it's tough and seems weird--the whole therapy relationship. It doesn't seem right--I know what you mean.

[Perna]

The upper right corner, "Resources" has all the book reviews the below-linked site has about psychotherapy:

http://metapsychology.mentalhelp.net...?id=397&cn=397

I like, Talk is Not Enough, by Dr. Willard Gaylin.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by seventyeight

the "therapist relationship," that it's kind of odd. i've been thinking a lot about that lately, and was wondering if anyone wanted to make comments on that - or could tell me where i could read more about it? t..

some very good articles about that at http://couched.wordpress.com/post-archive/

[pachyderm]

Yeah, that couched guy has words about almost everything! Googling your therapist, everything. He's pretty funny. (For me that means he is striking chords.)

Being the meanie I am, this struck me as something of his I wanted to post here:

I would like therapy to come with a health warning:
WARNING : Therapy can be potentially harmful and can carry the following side effects:
* feeling emotionally destroyed
* being diagnosed with a scary-sounding personality/trauma disorder
* irrational feelings towards the therapist
* an extreme aversion to the phrase “I feel”
* temporal disorientation (ie hours seeming only to contain 50 minutes)
* no effect whatsoever

[zooropa]

this thread was great reading for me, as I'm struggling with my relationship with my T right now.
pachy, that "warning list" made me smile, thank you!

I agree that the hour (or portion thereof) can seem so short. I just started seeing my T for 80 min sessions and even that goes by fast, although it is better than the 50 min sessions I had before. That extra half hour gives me time to talk about what has come up in the week before and still have time to get into trauma work, and time to decompress for the last 10 or 15 mins.

I also agree that most of the work is done outside of therapy. I'm certainly learning that is true with trauma processing. The time in therapy is about ripping the lid off Pandora's Box and the rest of the hours of the week are about coping with what comes out. I have wished in the past that I could see my T twice a week, and even asked her at one point if I could, but I wonder now if that would work for me. I don't know how many openings of that box I can take in one week.

Certainly if i didn't have the option of contacting my T between sessions it would be unbearable. I need to feel that connection and know I'm not alone in going through this stuff.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Being the meanie I am, this struck me as something of his I wanted to post here:

I would like therapy to come with a health warning:
WARNING : Therapy can be potentially harmful and can carry the following side effects:
* feeling emotionally destroyed
* being diagnosed with a scary-sounding personality/trauma disorder
* irrational feelings towards the therapist
* an extreme aversion to the phrase “I feel”
* temporal disorientation (ie hours seeming only to contain 50 minutes)
* no effect whatsoever

if that makes you a meany, Pachy, then it does me too. I looked at this list today and thought about posting it here. ya beat me to it