I REALLY think I need a break from therapy.

I'm trying to step back and look at what I'm doing..and I think what I'm doing is...giving myself a break.

the stuff we are in right now in therapy is too intense and too confusing. I went there today and realized as I left that I couldn't remember the session at all. I don't want to start going to sessions and dissociating and losing time and leaving and feeling disconnected from T. I don't want to have to work to put stuff back away between sessions only to turn around and have to pull it back out again.

I'm feeling REALLY self-destructive, and that's not a good place for me to be. But I don't thing that the therapy break is part of the self-destruction. I think it's an attempt to save myself from that feeling.

I left a message with T and asked him to cancel my Thursday session this week and my Monday session next week. I told him to go ahead and keep my session next Thursday for now. So, that will give me a break of 10 days between sessions..and then T goes on vacation, so I will have a break of 14 days after that. I think I'll see after those two sessions - the one 10 days from now and the one 24 days from now - and then decide how to proceed. I might actually take a few months off. Or maybe forever off!!!

I love T, and I'm not trying to create a rupture at all. I just can't do this right now.

I don't know what t will say when he calls to leave my message. he will probably ask if I am running away. and maybe I AM, you know? but that can be okay, I think.

[zooropa]

((((((tree))))))

I wish I knew what to say. I had this moment in session today where I wanted so badly to say to my T "I need to be done now", meaning done talking about trauma for today. And I didn't. I didn't think it was okay for me to say that. But I really wish I had.

I guess I'm saying, I think we are in the same kind of place, or that maybe in that moment I felt some of what you are feeling now. Doesn't there have to be a point where too much is too much? Does just pushing through, just pounding away at it, really help, EVERY time? And if it is okay to take some room to breathe, who knows better than us when the time is right for that?

It's just such a tightrope walk, trying to not run away and not be flooded. Trying to do the work without letting the act of doing the work create more harm.

I don't know if I'm making sense. I really just want to say, I care about you. I'm glad you called your T, and I'm curious about what he has to say. I'm sorry you are going through this now and I'm sorry you went through the traumas back then.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( tree )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I think you already know what I want to say. Be at peace my friend

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((Treehouse)))))))))))
Would it be possible to take a break from trauma work without taking a break from therapy? I remember a while ago I told you about an appointment I had with my T in which we talked about a situation with my kids, and I was really frustrated because I felt like it was a useless session.
And you told me that it doesn't always have to be about trauma stuff or ED stuff, and that when it isn't that doesn't mean it's not useful or important.
Could you spend a couple of sessions on other stuff that isnt so hard?
Maybe a 'refresher' on positive coping skills,
talking about some of your present day relationships,
figuring out even more ways to add to your out-of -therapy support system
creating a specific self-care or self-soothing plan for when you're feeling self-destructive
Or even reviewing how far you've come, and all the things you've learned...

Maybe i'm not really getting it and I'm sorry if I'm way of base. It makes me sad that you are canceling appointments with your T.

[WePow]

(((((((((((((( treehouse))))))))

Trauma healing is the hardest thing one ever has to do (IMHO). It was almost the end of things for me - literally. But it was also the best thing I ever made myself do. Of course for me once the lid was off, that baby was going to come one way or the other. There was no turning back. And it hurt and stunk and was not "fair" at all. No human should ever have to go through that pain. I am very sorry you are going through it.

Sometimes you do have to take a pause and catch your wind. Step back and gather your energy up again so you can push when you need to push. This stage is temporary and you can and will make it through. Stay emotionally close to your T and allow yourself to have that hand to help you in this time.

We are all here for you and sending you tons of hugs!

I think taking a break is ok. It might be for the best sometimes. It doesn't mean quitting.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by zooropa

((((((tree))))))

I wish I knew what to say. I had this moment in session today where I wanted so badly to say to my T "I need to be done now", meaning done talking about trauma for today. And I didn't. I didn't think it was okay for me to say that. But I really wish I had.

I guess I'm saying, I think we are in the same kind of place, or that maybe in that moment I felt some of what you are feeling now. Doesn't there have to be a point where too much is too much? Does just pushing through, just pounding away at it, really help, EVERY time? And if it is okay to take some room to breathe, who knows better than us when the time is right for that?

It's just such a tightrope walk, trying to not run away and not be flooded. Trying to do the work without letting the act of doing the work create more harm.

I don't know if I'm making sense. I really just want to say, I care about you. I'm glad you called your T, and I'm curious about what he has to say. I'm sorry you are going through this now and I'm sorry you went through the traumas back then.

T and I basically had this discussion in my last session. That it is ok to withdraw, to stop when I'm not ready or have the energy to do more. It is perfectly within my right to do that at any time.

I do think it's important to continue to see T to at least keep the connection, but maybe take a break from trauma work.

[Ygrec23]

Treehouse said: "{I love T, and I'm not trying to create a rupture at all. I just can't do this right now. I don't know what t will say when he calls to leave my message. he will probably ask if I am running away. and maybe I AM, you know? but that can be okay, I think.[/quote]"

Dear T,

If your reaction is as strong as you say it is (and I have no reason whatsoever not to believe you), you're dealing with some very important issues with your T. Issues that ultimately can't be avoided if you want your therapy to be successful. I don't think there's anything wrong in taking a breather now, but please make sure you take up where you left off when T comes back from vacation. That thought probably revulses you as you're reading this, but in your heart I would think you know it's true. Nobody can force you into or through therapy, but so far as I know, it's the only way to deal with certain issues that some of us are troubled by. Do you REALLY want to permanently back burner that pot that's continually boiling over and burning you? It just WON'T go away by itself. Take your vacation. Have as good a time as you can, and come back reinvigorated to carry on the battle. It will NOT last forever, though it probably feels that way. And think of how much better you'll feel when all the demons are dissolved and blown away. It takes SO MUCH time and effort and suffering, I know, but in the end you get to live a life so much more worth living, so much more enjoyable, so much less miserable. I ran away too, for quite a while, but then I thought the thoughts I'm writing to you here, and I came back and finished the job. And it really was worth it. It made my marriage more worth it, it made my work more worth it, it made my family more worth it. I would regret it TERRIBLY if I had not gone back and done whatever needed to be done, WHATEVER needed to be done. Forget about the whole thing until your T comes back from vacation. Don't even think about it. Enjoy yourself. When he comes back, go back into warrior mode. I'm sure that all our hearts and feelings here at PC go with you both in vacation and on the attack.

Take care.

[Melbadaze]

Tree, I think its called "allowing yourself to regress further into the pain", yes its hard, but there more to be gained by pushing through it of course. But thats just my opinion. And I think we can only allow ourselfs to visit the pain if we truely believe that whats there to catch us, is good enought?? so I guess somewhere inside you know T is good enought and will catch you and you will work through it.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I REALLY think I need a break from therapy.

I'm trying to step back and look at what I'm doing..and I think what I'm doing is...giving myself a break.

I think sometimes we do need a break, and it is OK to take a break. No one is forcing us to do this (therapy) and we shouldn't feel obligated (like drinking castor oil). I know you have a strong impulse to want to heal, and if it turns out you need more healing, you will move in that direction, and maybe persevering in therapy will be that direction, and maybe it will not. Taking 10 days off is a little break and needn't be termination or forever. Sometimes we need more ego strength to pursue the trauma work, and maybe this is your self's way of saying, "I don't have the strength right now" and backing off in order to gather more strength." It's not a bad thing to listen to that voice. Maybe this is part of healing--to back off a bit right now.

As darkrunner suggested, one alternative to a break from therapy is a break from trauma work but continuing with therapy--this can help build ego strength for harder work later. My T pretty much lets me choose the pace. I think he knows I will not go too fast or too hard for myself and my current store of resources (of which, he is one!).

I did take an extended break from therapy with my first therapist. It was about 3 months long. It was such a relief to not be going to therapy. I could relax more, get out from under that sense of pressure to "fix things", and avoid going to sit in the chair across from the therapist and facing the fact that I was not making progress. That was very depressing in itself to be stuck in therapy and not moving forward with my problems. Taking a break helped me to be free from those negative feelings for a while. I returned after 3 months and had about 3 sessions, and then I terminated. I think the long break also allowed me to assess more objectively the value of my therapy and how it could (or could not) help me. I think this is different from your case, tree, in that we were not doing trauma work in therapy (we probably should have been but I don't think she knew what trauma was and she never mentioned it to me). I was not avoiding therapy because it was so painful and intense. I was avoiding therapy because it wasn't helping me and it had become depressing in and of itself and made me feel hopeless. So this is a different reason for taking a break, but perhaps some of the same benefits might accrue to you?

Treehouse, what I worry about is that you are so close to your therapist, and you won't have him for support. It seems like his presence is such a positive, such a strength in your life. I wonder is there a way to keep that but still take the break? Ten days is not that long.... Hopefully, you can have phone contact if you need him in that time.

I am having a very strange week.

I really did feel yesterday that I just needed a break. I was having such a hard time staying present in my day to day life, and kept finding myself standing around, totally confused. The work is just TOO MUCH right now. Maybe it will always be too much.

I have another thing going on outside of therapy that relates to all of the CSA stuff and I am really struggling with that, and I think the combination is just the recipe for a giant internal mess of confusion.

T left me a message last night asking me if I would consider coming in on Thursday so we can talk about the break in person rather than over voice mails or e-mails (which I appreciated, because he and I recently had a giant misunderstanding over voice mails). I left him a message and told him I really don't know. Because I am genuinely feeling just lost and confused.

So, last night, I sat down and wrote everything down in an e-mail and sent it to T. ALL of the words I haven't been able to say in session about this stuff, all the stuff I dissociate away from, all the reasons I want to just leave therapy for a while. I wrote down all the words. And I didn't proofread and I hit send. I don't think I've ever sent an e-mail like that to T before - our e-mails tend to be "are you there" "yes I'm here".

I didn't know how I'd feel after I sent it, but how I felt was relieved. Now I feel like T and I can work on how that trauma stuff affects my life without me having to open my mouth and tell the story. That's what will work for me right now.

So, T called today to ask about Thursday. We only talked for a couple of minutes. I told him sending the e-mail made me feel better (he hadn't read it yet), and that I would come on Thursday, but that I need a break from this stuff we've been doing. He said okay.

I do feel kind of a weird disconnect from T, but I know we'll get back to the connected place. Maybe even on Thursday.

I don't think a break was a bad idea, really, but I totally get what people here said about staying emotionally connected to T. That's probably key to my being "okay" in my day to day life.

so. That's where I'm at now.

[WePow]

(((( Treehouse )))) I think that is WONDERFUL that you wrote out your heart like that.
It is also excellent that you are doing exactly what you need to do to maintain wellness.