[Xtree]

My T decided to leave a group we were both members of. She was a member of the group before I was and when I was invited to become a member we talked about it. I told her I would not join if she thought it was going to be a problem. In the end she said she was okay and for about 6 months everything seemed fine. She recently quit so being the paranoid client that I am I asked her if she quit in an attempt to manage our boundaries. She said, she thought about it last winter and it was a small factor but not her main motivation at all. Sounds harmless, doesn’t it?? Then why do I feel so awful!!

The sad part is I believe her but I am going through that devastated feeling where I feel rejected and I want to cancel my next appointment. I encourage myself to resist the urge until the day before my appointment. If I still feel the same way then I give my permission the cancel. I tend to a little feel better by then. Well I still feel awful and I still want to cancel. I know I should go and talk to her about it but I am afraid I will not be able to bring it up and then what?

Xtree

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Xtree

My T decided to leave a group we were both members of. She was a member of the group before I was and when I was invited to become a member we talked about it. I told her I would not join if she thought it was going to be a problem. In the end she said she was okay and for about 6 months everything seemed fine. She recently quit so being the paranoid client that I am I asked her if she quit in an attempt to manage our boundaries. She said, she thought about it last winter and it was a small factor but not her main motivation at all. Sounds harmless, doesn’t it?? Then why do I feel so awful!!

The sad part is I believe her but I am going through that devastated feeling where I feel rejected and I want to cancel my next appointment. I encourage myself to resist the urge until the day before my appointment. If I still feel the same way then I give my permission the cancel. I tend to a little feel better by then. Well I still feel awful and I still want to cancel. I know I should go and talk to her about it but I am afraid I will not be able to bring it up and then what?

Xtree

xtree did you ask her what the small factor was?maybe she felt she could help you better bye giving up the group.i would give T at least one more chance to explain before you throw in the towel.i think i would like it if T thought of me at all and it doesnt sound like it was in a negative light at all

[purple_fins]

Sorry you are feeling bad about her leaving the group

It sounds to me that she has YOUR best interest at heart, in addition to her "main motivation". .... which could be a schedule conflict, too much going on in her life at this time, or who knows what.... but it doesn't sound like rejection at all to me.
Sounds to me that you have a thoughtful T. since she would consider how things are between you and her -- over her attending some group.

I hope you go and don't cancel....... it might be very worth it.

best to you

fins

[mixedup_emotions]

I'm sorry you're feeling rejected. I know how hard it is to have these kinds of feelings crop up and help you want to avoid going to T.

I also know how hard it is to face T and delve into it. But I hope you have the strength to discuss it, because I believe it may help ease your concerns and prove to be valuable information. Whenever we feel anything strongly, it's an opportunity to learn something important about ourselves.

It would be worthwhile to know what your T felt as far as you are concerned about her decision to quit the group therapy. It may end up making perfect sense. You won't know unless you create the opportunity.

((( HUGS )))

[WePow]

Xtree, that would certainly sting to have heard. It can be such a lopsided relationship with a t. But if you are hurting from it, it is good practice to confront the issue head-on with T.
And you have every right to feel as you do. Just use it as another chance to learn and grow as a person. Make it worth the pain.

[Xtree]

Originally Posted by WePow

Just use it as another chance to learn and grow as a person. Make it worth the pain.

Wow! I love this line! Thanks!

[Baaku]

If I can offer a different angle, it may help in understanding her better. Therapy is very much like the Rorschack-- clients project onto it their perceptions, anxieties, attitudes, moods, and deeper meanings from their unconscious. There have been too many times when clients will express hurt or frustration regarding the inequality of therapy (no matter how hard we try to level the field) and our relationship-- because we are their only therapist and they are one of many clients, we loom larger in their life than they seem to in ours. This is never intentional, it it what it is much like our mechanic or electrician or dentist who knows many clients while we may only know them.

While this may seem a bit unfair, in reality, we sometimes do want to "loom large", not b/c we are driven by power or "ego" but because it is in this "size" differential that we are often most able to influence how the client grows, heals and becomes more whole in the way they want to be.

To get to your point though, I may get 30-50 voice messages and 20-30 e-mails per day sometimes (I serve a very difficult to treat population, have several consulting contracts and oversee an practice), and it's hard to respond to everyone, so I try to let clients know that I received their message, as both a professional courtesy and b/c I do care, and respect and appreciate their time and effort. At some point I try to get back to them, but it doesn't always happen and I'm always very quick to sincerely apologize.

My hope is that you will have this conversation with your therapist and that they will be honest with you (and the realities may be that it had absolutely nothing to do with you)--- only good can come from this and it may very well further deepen your relationship and increase your trust and faith in her.

Good luck and I hope this helps,
Baaku

[Gus1234U]

I find Baaku's insights to be so obvious and so profound. One of the hardest things for me has been to learn that I cannot control other people's thoughts or actions, or feelings, and often barely control my own. Yes, I would say: the best therapist is a Mirror, whether flesh or glass.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by WePow

It can be such a lopsided relationship with a t. But if you are hurting from it, it is good practice to confront the issue head-on with T.

I found this one of the most difficult parts of therapy: to confront the issue, or the therapist, with my dissatisfaction with what he was doing. It often required me to spend days working up my self-confidence to the point where I could say to myself that I would do it regardless of the possible consequences to me. It could take days where I could even think straight (relatively) about it -- and maintain my position in spite of questioning. This is because of my childhood history, in which confronting my mother in any regard whatsoever meant (it seemed) taking my life into my own (childish) hands. She was the kind of person who brooked no criticism, or anything she anticipated was any kind of criticism. I dare say I am not alone in this kind of experience.

Xtree, I can relate. Often times, when I would consider canceling an appointment, it was fear driven.

I hope you overcome your fears and discuss this with your therapist.

[Baaku]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

...This is because of my childhood history, in which confronting my mother in any regard whatsoever meant (it seemed) taking my life into my own (childish) hands. She was the kind of person who brooked no criticism, or anything she anticipated was any kind of criticism. I dare say I am not alone in this kind of experience.

Hi Pachyderm, I grew up under an incredibly brutal dictatorship (for 14 years), one where questioning often resulted in death, torture or severe beatings, and I do recognize how ingrained fear and intimidation can be, even now over 1/2 century later. Migrating to the US was of little help then (in the 1960's) as the level of open discrimination and hate crimes against minorities almost equaled that of my childhood.

I remember one of my therapists saying to me: "Shame on the Federales for what they did to you and your family!" At which point I felt a deep satisfaction as if I was finally being heard and known. Then there was a brief silence (20 seconds) and then he said with the same level of vigilance: "And you, Baaku,... shame on you for holding on to that memory and using it as a rationale for not stepping forward!" And that was my 1st of many powerful lessons in life from him. Since then, I've said the same thing to hundreds of my patients, understanding more now that at times language allows or enables us to struggle with our very painful and very private experiences in a manner that maintains and cultivates our own suffering/misery/pain.

I do not want to be dismissive here (and I apologize if what I say is hurtful in any way, as that is not my intent) and suggest that you did not and don't struggle still, but I thought to challenge just a little as I was then in hopes that you will hear my words as I did his.

With great understanding,
Baaku

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Baaku

shame on you for holding on to that memory and using it as a rationale for not stepping forward!

I don't think "shame" is a good motivator towards doing anything helpful.

[Baaku]

I think the idea is not to shame anyone into behaving and thinking differently (although shame is likely one of the most powerful "motivators" around, even tho it is a negative motivator) as much as it is to create a sort of startle response and jolt one away from circular and ruminative thinking as it did for me and has for many I've worked with.

Personally, I think there is only so far back I can go to look for reasons for my less than best behavior and thinking, the rest I have to own.

My apologies, it seems I didn't express myself well. mea culpa

[Brightheart]

Baaku is a good friend of mine so I hope that we can welcome him here.

Pachy, undoubtedly the old demons are always there lurking in the background. I know about my old demons well now, but still catch myself doing the same darn things at times. It's a struggle and one that we can hopefully move past. That's the great thing about the therapeutic relationship. It gives us some really great "in the moment" interactions that might help us to move through the struggle behind changing our responses.

[Baaku]

Hi Xtree,

Just doing a quick loop around to see what had happened or where your mind was following the various views/posts here?

Baaku