[bachir]

i'm seriously feeling like i'm on overload now. i was before i went to meet with my t, but now it's exceptionally bad. it went well i think. there's just far tooooo many thoughts going through my mind now i'm having a terrible time handling it all. i feel like i'm about to burst from all the thoughts and feelings i have rushing through me. i can't handle it all. it's really beginning to make me terribly depressed.

she was very helpful, and i had anticipated that she would just try to change t's on me (pass me off to someone else). she didn't do that exactly. the door is still open to meet with her. we're meeting again next week (cause she had a cancelation), but she would like me to get into the new extended reach program. it will make therapy more avaliable like on an as needed basis. this however would mean trying to talk to someone new. it's hard for me at first to do this. i'm thinking this might be fine to help with general everyday sorts of things, but i strongly feel there are a few things i'm trying to resolve within myself.

she expressed to me that when we were meeting in the town i live in she was more avaliable to meet more frequently, but since they closed that office (due to budget cuts) she is now dealing with more people who are court ordered to be in therapy once a week. i'm court ordered to continue therapy, but it is not as specifically defined as it is for those she's helping. i understand her position i really do. we are meeting next week, but she won't be avaliable again for another two or three weeks after that. i was under the impression that after this next week we will be working more on an on-call sort of deal. maybe i could come to terms with this on some level, but to call and set an appt will more often than not mean i'll have to wait another two to three weeks before being able to get in to see her.

she shared a lot of info with me today. i'm glad she shared what she did. it was good. at one point though she felt like i wasn't listening to her. i assured her i was. it's simply a case of more info being crowded into this already over-active head of mine. i cried aloud "I NEED THE THINKING TO STOP!!!" she heard me. she's going to get a hold of the nurse practitioner to try and get me on a stimulant. she said (for the first time) i have ADD. she's not going through my regular dr cause she believes he'll only end up putting me on things that i really don't need to be on. i don't know. just so many things going through my mind like i said before, and i'm just really beginning to feel lost and confused.

thanks for listening. i could literally go on and on atm. the thoughts are toooooooo numerous and overwhelming, but this is a little of how it went. i'm sorry if this doesn't make any sense. i'm just trying to process all this and find some peace with it. take care

[El-ahrairah]

You t seems very very nice for the information and finding you a dr that won't overload you on pills you don't need... I'm sorry you're feeling this way some... I wish there was someway I can help you out <33333333

Try to take things one step at a time... <33 maybe you can use the reach program for those desperate moments, ya know?

[bachir]

i feel like this new thing she is wanting me to do is fine, but not with these deeper issues that have surfaced. i feel it could be useful for everyday sorts of things, but i need for this to continue right now. a couple of months ago my ptsd kicked in like never before and has been raging ever since. i am ready and now willing to tackle this. unfortunately today she told me she no longer feels that therapy is benefiting me.

she is keeping the door open sort of an on-call sort of thing, and normally this would be fine. right now however it isn't. i need some guidance through these times. i walked through them alone as i experienced them, and we can see how well that turned out. if i ever needed therapy it's now! i've been a pain in the ***** and uncooperative in our relationship, but things are so so so different now. honestly i feel like i'm on an operating table. i've been cut open to get the cancer out, and the surgeon has walked out on the surgery leaving me wide open. what am i suppose to do now?!

looks like i am beyond hope. i'm very, very sad atm. i need to go. thanks for listening.

[mixedup_emotions]

((((( somewhere )))))

I'm sorry you're struggling and going through so much. Can you reach out to T and let T know how much you need her in a stable, consistent way? Maybe if she knows where you are emotionally, she'll be able to somehow make it work?

I wish it weren't so hard for you....(( HUGS ))

[bachir]

i've been trying to reach out to her, but it's appearing as though she has made up her mind. i guess i don't blame her. i've been a real pain to deal with. it's just so hard, because now i'm genuinely ready to sort through these things. i've probably pushed her away. she has every reason to give up on this. i don't blame her. i did this to myself. thanks for reaching out right now mue. i've only got myself to blame. i'm terribly disappointed in myself. i'm starting to cry. i need to go. thanks again for listening and caring.