[elliemay]

I used to be tougher - a lot tougher. Thick skinned and ready. Angry, but not hostile.

Now, I'm just consumed it seems with feelings and emotions and all that crap.

Instead of being more centered in self, is it possible that I feel less that way? More freefalling, dispersed in "effective communication"?

Is mindfullness really all its cracked up to be? Or is it just a load of crap too? "The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self-awareness". Boy do I agree with that.

I need to get that toughness back. I need to reclaim who I was before the great melting.

I need to return to my native state.

[Melbadaze]

\elliemay, yes mindfulness is all its cracked up to be, its when we stuck in our old ways of thinking that we get confused and think whose talking is the new self when infact its the ego tricking us again. when the ego senses change it fights back, mindfulness can help us in seeing this for what it is and sitting back and just watching where the voices and thoughts are going??

[Perna]

You use to be iron; iron melted and alloys added makes steel.

[jexa]

I hear you, ellie. It's true -- therapy softens you. It doesn't make you tougher. But in the softness it gives you, there is a different kind of strength.

I lived in FL through the hurricanes in 2004 that ravaged our state. Three of the four hurricanes in FL that year passed through my town. My parents own three beautiful acres of land, and that land had so many beautiful trees: live oaks, pines, palm trees.. And so many of them fell after those three hurricanes. But none of the trees that fell were palm trees.

Palm trees are well-suited for storms. You might not think it at first. When you look at a big, powerful oak tree and a puny palm tree, you'd think the big, tough oak tree would be more likely to weather the storm. But the inflexible, powerful trees are the first to fall. The ones that are left standing are the ones who can bend to the wind. Palm trees survive because of their flexibility.

It's very uncomfortable to learn to be flexible. At first you feel weak and puny and you think, why am I giving up my defenses? But this is why: your defenses break when the storms rage in your life. Learning this flexibility will prepare you to bend with the wind.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by elliemay

"The world is made for people who aren't cursed with self-awareness".

Well... depends on how much you want to be a part of that "world"...

[elliemay]

There's got to be some kind of medium ground here. I do miss who I was. I think perhaps I have been "over therapized".

[pegasus]

((((((( elliemay ))))))))

Well, I don't know how long you have been in therapy for but I would say it is part of the process. Ultimately you will be much stronger at the end of it.

[Melbadaze]

Perhaps your in mourning for who you use to be? Im curious as I dont miss who I use to be one bit..though I grief as each coping mechinism dies away, I dont want it back. I would have wondered if one could be over "therapized" too until last week when we discussed in therapy how I've got that sort of mind, I've always been questioning myself and interested in self discovery even before I got to therapy and theres no switching that of, so yes to a degree I wear myself out over analysing but I dont think one can be over therapised unless they are in a working partnership? Its not something one can have forced on them our minds just wouldnt go along with it. Do you have specific reasons you went into therapy? do you feel you've reached that goal? Perhaps for some there is a diffinate cut of point at certain times? Idk

[Fartraveler]

Do you know, in a wierd way, I feel as if my mindfulness practice is making me tougher -- well, not tougher, but more resilient, and less likely to be thrown.

I think this might be because my teacher has emphasized the importance of being mindful about oneself, and about being respectful of all aspects of self -- physical, emotional, etc. And also, there's the whole bit about being compassionate to oneself, as well as being compassionate to others. For me, that was important -- to 'have permission' to be good to myself. And to have permission to be happy. (I still kind of struggle with that.)

-Far

[Fartraveler]

Also, Elliemay:

are you thinking of mindfulness and therapy as the same thing? if so, why?

(for me they are different, because my therapist doesn't do mindfulness, and my mindfulness teacher(s) are former Buddhist monks.)

[elliemay]

Well, I went in basically lambasted my T over what a puddle of vulnerability I've become. We talked awhile, and I gotta admit, I was mad. At first he didn't know what to make of my new "realization" but was careful not to just dismiss it outright.

He did admit that I was one tough cookie when I entered therapy, but he also thought I was lonely. Very very lonely. He was right, therapy has helped that.

Like a turtle, I will now poke my head out every now and then and experience the world in a whole new way. Sometimes I stay out and move around for some time.

I'm sure if a turtle lost its shell, it would feel really weird without it.

I'm likely in that weirdness.