[Melbadaze]

Lately this is been hanging around in my mind. Talked about it today in session, talked about how when I grew up thinking about my adoption, the whole thing left me feeling powerless, accept I didn't know it as a word, it was just a feeling and to combat that I had to be all powerful. Didn't know the word for that either, it was just a defence that came about because of the other word, you know, powerless.

It helped talking about it because powerlessness means different things to different people, what happened to them in their lifes, the actual events are different perhaps, but the feeling is the same.

But as I say, lately I've been playing around with just sitting with that feeling, powerlessness, not sure why sitting with it seemed the next right thing, but as we talked today I said to T, that when I'm feeling all powerful its driven by a fear that I will fall apart if I am not all powerful, if I dont take some action, if I don't "do", but sitting with this has shown me that nothing awful happens if I do nothing and just "be", that I dont fall apart. T said yes, I think as a baby no one held you "together", thats why adults hold babies, they in a sense hold them together until the baby grows and internalises that and learns to hold themselves together, but you didnt get enought of that. I said yes but whats the worse that could have happened? T said you could have become pyschotic, its that fear that lies in your subconsious.

So I said that recently I have sat with the feeling of powerlessness and nothing awful happens, infact it actually empowers me and not disempowers me as my mind has come to believe. But I do need to keep on practising this.

When I left session I wondered if anything had been achieved, it was just a calm session, no big "drama" but as I sat here this afternoon and thought about the session, I understood how talking about this stuff with someone else, putting words to experiences that sometimes seem no big deal really do help grease the wheels and take the power out of what the ego has always believed.

More to be done on this yet, but feel as if we're in the middle of a muddy field with this and as T and I help each other to get across the muddy field theres real movement going on.

[Sannah]

Very Good Work Melba!

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

but as I sat here this afternoon and thought about the session, I understood how talking about this stuff with someone else, putting words to experiences

l think of and experience powerlessness as helplessness and use my anger to re-energize myself when I get stalled in that state. I loved therapy for the new words and ability to talk about this stuff too.

[Melbadaze]

perna yes anger was a biggy for me....funny yesterday as I was driving to T a car wasn't indicating it wanted to turn right at the roundabout so I continued across only to have him drive aggressively toward me and I looked at him and said through the window, "you need to signal"...he was giving me the curled lip look lol and as I continued on I realised something had changed, I wasn't moved to extreme anger by him nor drawn into the flip the finger drama, I,d responded appropriately to a sponTaneous incident....ID wondered why? And I guess its because I am not living with that Constant deep feeling of powerlessness, where everyday irritants triggered it. Before I would me like a raving lunatic, I understand it better now, its not all some mystery that I am powerless over.