oddness

Well wonderful PC support peeps
The past several days has been rough due to truama processing.
And work was just over the top with the stress today. I got in this AM and we were way too short staffed. Boss ended up making it OK but I had already threatened to vanish in an Email to T. I wanted to let him know what happened. ugggg. Anyway, he wanted me to come in and see him - so I did. VERY glad I saw him today and he told me some stuff because I still get my Wed session and I doubt I could be OK with six days between sessions if he told me WED what he told me today.

I know I trust T and all. I can't even think of how to word this post.
Bottom line is I am sure I didn't hear correctly whatever T was trying to tell me. But before I went to see him he said I wasn't a victim anymore. That is true but it touched a strange part of my defense system which triggered very high protection mode. In session he was explaining this and all about how I have power now to make choices and stuff. Nothing he was saying was wrong and it made sense. But he also was talking about how with my level of childhood abuse and the dissociation that I had a very young and immature me inside that was just now learning how to grow up and manage the world. And he was telling me that I now had to focus on the good things of life and the past.

I understood and appriciated what he was saying. But my spirit left with hearing and feeling "You are a baby" "You need to grow up" "Think about the good things in life now" - aka what my S/O said "Get over it" which he said nothing at all about when I mentioned it. He looked away in a way that I read as "Well, she is right"

Oh and I sent him the email about trust and T emails and how I had learned to trust his process. He brought up THAT email and told me that he thought I was way overthinking the email thing. That he didn't think that much on what to send me back the way I though - or that he wasn't doing any stratagy at all.

Even typing all this makes my blood hurt inside my skin but I will not cry about it. Might do so tonight but need to figure out how to get back into my safe place inside. LOL. He told me what I felt and I did say "I want to shut all the doors, toss up all the walls, turn off all the lights, and paint the windows black." He said that was me going down my rabit hole.

I know he is right about all that stuff.
I also know I got to find out how to have invisable walls or something.. IDK.

He always gives me a hug at the end of session now - one of the things I thought was most precious in all the world and acted to solidify the trust I had in T and that he cared. But today when I left, I felt so icky about that hug like I wanted to wash it way.

No clue what I will do with all this. I think I need to talk with T about it because I am sure it is my junk. But there is something inside that shifted a bit. And I don't feel I will ever say anything about any of this because it just proves he is right about everything.

Anyway, I suppose this post may count as being immature about it too - IDK. But there it all is. And yeah... there is no way now in heck I will ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever send him another email after that smackdown!! And I do hope I can trust my own logic enough to trust he won't read this post EVER either. I got to go get a new mask now which defeats the purpose of thereapy ... or figure out what I am going to do. No clue. But that level of trust again will never ever happen. I was right about that for all those years.

(((((wepow)))))
I hate those times where you don't know if what you heard was what the other person was saying. I'm glad you have another session on Wed so you can talk about everything this has brought up for you.

I don't think you're immature, at all. You are a strong, smart, articulate and deeply caring person. I'm betting your T feels the same way. I can't wait until you and he can iron this out, because I know it is hurting you right now.

(((WePow))) My T said something similar to me about growing up and getting over it. There's a part of me that doesn't like that either. Right now I'm kind of like a teenager of sorts when it comes to my feelings. I too am 'growing up' even though I'm 38 .

I hope you feel better soon and thank you for sharing.

Peace.

(((((WePow)))))

I don't know what to say. But I wanted you to know that I am here.

weepow i'm sending a bunch of hugs.it sounds like a lot of confusing stuff for your T to be saying to you.i was hurting and confused just reading this post had to read it twice.scary stuff for you.i hope he is willing to clarify more what road he sems to be heading down.i dont think i would like it if someone was telling me it is time to let things go and grow up etc...

Wepow- I can relate, my T has said similar things in the past that sound too much like "hurry up and get better, or you aren't a kid anymore and you can cope more than you think." I think it is meant in the kindest way, but delivered clumsily on their part. My T was just trying to reassure me that things in the past can't "get me" anymore and that things will get better. I told my T that I felt like he was asking me not to be so dependent on him. He then corrected-course by saying feeling dependent is ok and part of the process. That helped me.
I hope you find a way to let him know that his words were hurtful, even if given with the best intentions.

Oh BLAH, WePow. I'm sorry

I remember once my T told me when we were JUST getting into the CSA stuff - last summer - that I could CHOOSE when to think about it and when not to think about it. I was feeling SO overwhelmed and like there was NO WAY I could choose at that point. I was soooooooooooo angry. SO angry. I think I left session early.

At my next session, we talked about it. He explained what he meant when he said it, and I tried to open my mind and my heart to hear him and not put my own spin on it. And it did turn out being okay, but it wouldn't have if we didn't talk about it.

I really really hope you will talk to him about it, WePow. Tell him just what you heard, and just how it made you feel. It can't make things worse, and maybe it will make things better.

to you

Ouch.

Yeah, thanks T, it will be nice when work stress and personal history do not intersect and then magnify and multiply and make one feel intensely worse than the situation might warrant.
But it takes time.
And sometimes a different job.
Bad experiences at work can very easily trigger every inadequate feeling in my system.
Wishing you strength as you go through. Survive each day.

Oh yuck, one of those sessions. Sounds like one misattunement after another. Sometimes it is just like that. What I like is we can go back the next time and it is rarely that bad again.

Please don't make your your invisible walls. I hope you will go back and keep talking to your T. Maybe you can talk about the misunderstandings. Or maybe you can just enjoy being together.

Oh (((wepow))) I hate sessions like this! I'm so sorry you came out of it feeling as though he saw you as a baby or that you should get over it. If you could simply get over it...you would! I honestly don't think he meant it that way , though, but I understand your thinking.
Please talk to him. You are such a strong person; you've been through really rough sessions with him and you've grown from them. Please don't put up your wall.

WePow, you must continue to talk to T about this!

(((((((((( PC pocket riders :-) )))))))))))))))

Thank you very much for your replies. I feel better this AM about things.
Suppose I just read and felt too much into things because I was in pain.
About to go back into work for another round. Something shifted though will everything and it does feel better - like therapy stuff is all way in the back. Maybe that is how life moves forward. Maybe I needed to be kicked out of the nest like a baby bird! LOL

WePow

You go girl!!!

glad you are feeling better today-- keep us posted!

fins

Well if anyone is actually interesting in how today went for me, I put it in the SI group. But long story short = I will be ok because I always am anyway.

((((((((((((((WePow)))))))))))))))

Be gentle with you

((((( Tree )))))) T was right with all he said. I just am too much like a kid and I suppose I will never grow up. It is like I finally saw myself the way T sees me I suppose. Oh well.

This was a big topic in my session today. I feel like I don't know how to be a grown up. Everyone around me sees me as really young, even though I am here being a mom and homeschooling my boys.

I asked T and he started to say a bunch of things, but finally just said "this is just who you ARE".

It's hard to grow up after we're grown ups

(((((wepow))))) I know this is how you feel, but I think you need to do some fact checking on that. You are looking at yourself through the prism of what you THOUGHT your T was saying yesterday. It's worth checking in with him and having him explain it more, and better, before you take it to heart.

I just wanted to add, because I forgot, that that part ^ would really bother me too. It feels kind of like a slap in the face, to be told you're overthinking it. I just wanted to validate that for you, wepow. Keep working on this, you are worth it and the bond you have built with your T is worth it.

I can really relate to this. I'm always trying to figure out how to feel with other people the safety I feel when I am completely alone.

It really hurts to be at an odd intersection with T. I can relate to that too.
But I do think these are the places where growth happens. As Sunrise's quote so aptly puts it, "therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships." From my own perspective, I have a difficult time with the "you've reached this point so you need to pull yourself up and push harder" viewpoint. So far it simply has not worked for me. The main reason that no one pushes me harder than I push myself. And in essence, it is not shear force that is needed. It is clearly and simply that I don't yet know how to replace my old, unhelpful thoughts with the new better ones. So I would feel inclined to take as much of the anger as I could and let T know about it. Showing anger has been one of my toughest obstacles, don't know if it has been similar for you... but it is an oportunity to tell your T just how you feel about what he said.

WePow

I agree with what zooropa said here: You may be misunderstanding what your T. meant. I took what you wrote that he said as-- "You have more power than you realize WePow(grown-ups have more power than children) and that focusing mostly on the upsetting things can keep one down to a very low level." not that you shouldn't work through the bad stuff--oh no, we must work on it-- just not allow it to consume oneself. (not that YOU are doing that... I dont' know if you are or not... just meant in general, that it's not a good idea to let upsetting memories be all that encompasses ones mind...I believe it's about "balance"... between the good and the bad)
To see the value in oneself and the good stuff too--that's what can keep up the progress (IMO)... it's like it's something to hold onto, I guess... to keep one going.....

I could be way off here of what your T. meant-- just thought I'd chime in to show how someone else understood his meaning...

thinking of you

fins

I know what it's like to get sent into a tailspin by a T's offhand comment. But as everyone said, it can be so helpful to endure those feelings and take them in to T to discuss. It gives us practice in resolving conflict and expressing our feelings. It will be worth it to tell T how you feel hurt and to hear his response.

Went to session today but didn't talk about all this. Mainly I didn't want to talk about anything and even wanted to cancel the session but knew I needed to do what I advise others to do with making yourself go. urrrrrrrrrr

He knew I was depressed but we talked about some stuff he didn't know about that wasn't trauma junk. So that gave him an insight on me a bit I think. Who knows.

My big thing though isn't what he said... It is more that I was feeling too trusting of him and it scared the dooodooo out of me!!! I don't do trust well at all!!!

I was glad I wasn't emotionally close to him though because he told me that he wasn't going to accept insurance next year.

That would have hit me bad if I thought about it and was in my "i heart my T" mode.
Thankfully I was in a "fine" mode. But when I left I thought how I really am willing to pay out of pocket to get his help. So maybe I trust T more than I allow myself to believe I trust him.

Thank you all again for standing by me and your words of wisdom.

wow, wepow.

I so understand the fear of trusting too much, and how scary that is. It scares me so bad sometimes! I think I'm in a really good place with my T right now, but as I sat here and read your post and then thought about my own trust issues, I realized that underneath the trust I have built with her, even within the knowing that she is there for me, is this thought of "yes, and now it will end. It feels good now, and you trust her, and so look out, the big hurt is coming". I don't know if I can get over that, honestly.

But, you did the right thing, not cancelling your session. It sounds like it wasn't the most connected of sessions for you, but going there is a huge step. Going even when you don't feel like going.

Your Ts news about insurance would have hit me hard, too. Trigger abandonment/rejection, big time. I almost feel a little triggered just thinking about it.
I think it's a good sign that you are willing to consider paying out of pocket to see him, that is huge! If you didn't trust him at all, you wouldn't bother, you wouldn't think about it because you'd be saying "oh, next year, who cares about next year, I won't be seeing T then anyway".

hang in there, wepow. You can get through this.

I find your strength amazing, WePow...and I can relate so much to what you're going through with T.

Trust is a big thing with me....and my feelings are immature - as much as I hate to admit that. But it wasn't my fault...and it's not yours...It feels shameful to me, because I'm a grown woman and want to feel strong and powerful...yet I also feel like I'm a needy, pitiful crybaby inside...And I do my very best to hide that needy child.

But due to unfortunate circumstances in my childhood, I was not able to develop the skills that were essential for me to grow up....yet, it still feels shameful and yucky.

This is a tremendous insight, WePow. I'm really proud of you for going to the session, even though it wasn't what you hoped. You maintained the connection, which I know was not easy for you.