The adult wants it too!

When T held my hand, I was in "child" mode so it seemed okay to do it. I didn't feel it was weird or anything because she was holding "little Rainbow's hand". But, adult Rainbow wants it too! I'm thinking about therapy because I am missing next week's session. What will it be like when I go back? Would it be crazy to ask her to hold my hand again, but as an adult, with my eyes open? That scares me immensely. I think I mentioned it at the end of the session, and she said because "your wires might get crossed." It is something to discuss next time. I don't want to start obsessing about it, if I haven't already. I want to keep it nice, comforting and nurturing--the adult wants that too! Holding hands is more like a child to Mommy connection, or a romantic connection, but to me it just feels like a "connection" connection.

(((((((((((rainbow)))))))))))))))

It's okay for the adult to have needs, just like it's okay for the child to have needs. It really is.

I think I would want to ask her to clarify what "your wires might get crossed" means?

For me, letting T comfort both the little parts and the adult me has been part of the path to becoming more integrated. I don't have to split off the need for caring, affection, connection...it's okay for it to be a part of who I am. Allowing the adult part of me to have needs has helped me to allow more connection with people in my life besides T. I don't have to be the independent, walled-off person I was when I walked into therapy. I can be strong, AND interdependent, AND connected. It feels so much more authentic, for me anyway.

It sounds like this might be a really good place to go in therapy. Is it okay for Adult Rainbow to need things? What does that look like? How can those needs get met?

Sometimes I have to hold my own hand. The child me and adult me both need it - and so I hold my hand.

Thank you, tree. Yes, it will be productive for me to talk about my needs in therapy, and how to get them met in RL. T did tell me that adults have the same needs as children. I knew that, but somehow I was surprised because I thought I was supposed to be "grown up". The fact that she did want I wanted may be just as healing as the touching itself. You're right. It's something about her meeting my needs that touched my heart.

I was the one who brought up the "wires crossed" at a previous session. It's because the caring from a T sometimes feels sexual and that's embarrassing. I'm afraid of how it would feel to hold her hand in adult mode, but I want to experience it for the healing connection and comfort. I don't want "crossed wires."

WePow, I'm glad that you can hold your own hand. I'm hoping that I will be able to do that too because I know T doing it is a stepping stone, but not the end goal.

I keep the comfort for the child and adult separate in my therapy. What i mean is if i'm talking about past abuse or neglect and am feeling small and in pain, and i want t to speak consolingly or pat my back, then i will experience this as the child part of me receiving the comfort. On the other hand, say, the session is ending and i'm about to walk out the door. A hug at that time would be for the adult part of me, a way of saying, Thanks for the help and the good session. But this may be because i'm not as integrated as i need to be. . .

You only have one hand to be held but all of you from birth to now live in that one hand. That's what therapy is, in part, learning to recognize "where" you are and how to get what you need "now".

I'm still wondering why my last session felt so good and thinking about what that means. I'm getting scared about it, and about wanting more. I don't know why it's so important to me. I get a headache thinking about wanting T to hold my hand again.

Rainbow,

I will be curious how it feels to you if the adult Rainbow holds t's hand? I wouldn't be surprised if, as the adult, you don't feel the "wires crossed."

But how canI justify wanting to hold her hand? I don't have a reason. I just WANT to.

Why do you have to justify it? Just ask. If you t wants a justification, I'm sure she'll help you figure that out in therapy. Isn't that what happens in therapy so much of the time anyway? You don't have to overthink this right now.

farmergirl,

It's hard to think that way. I've never really wanted my Ts to touch me before. It's always been a fantasy but I never thought it would happen, and I'm kind of in disbelief about the whole thing. Not in a bad way, but in a "this is so important to me, but seems wrong" kind of way.