[Xtree]

I am resisting all efforts from my T to help me end therapy in a productive way. I am not doing it on purpose, I just cant give in and I do not know why. She wants to review all my accomplishments and celebrate me in the growth I have made. She wants to refer me to another T to finish my work but I am so hurt I cannot imagine ever doing this again. I do not know what to do!

Here is just one paragraph of an email I sent her.

"Yes, it was distressful but this is worse. You are “terminating” therapy when I am not ready stirs up a whole host of feelings, it is not healthy. I am very sad that the journey I have been on is over without an ending. This ending contradicts everything you taught me regarding trust and safety. I feel I lost all the ground I have gained. I am left with an overwhelming sense of loss, betrayal, and feelings of abandonment. It has been very difficult grieving the loss and I am searching to find a way to forgive myself. Termination of therapy in this way is enough for me to not venture into therapy again."

[purple_fins]

Im so sorry, this must be so difficult.

my heart is with you

(wish I had some wise words.... sorry bout that too)

fins

[sunrise]

I am very, very sorry, Xtree. I think she is expecting a lot of you to be able to review your accomplishments like that. You are still grieving her loss and need time. When you are so hurt, how can you sit back and rehash the good memories? Can you and your T slow down the termination process to allow you the time you need to grieve and process this?

Originally Posted by Xtree

I am left with an overwhelming sense of loss, betrayal, and feelings of abandonment. It has been very difficult grieving the loss and I am searching to find a way to forgive myself.

And to forgive her? I don't understand about forgiving yourself.... Are you blaming yourself for this? If it were me, I would be very hurt and very angry. It is hard to do nicey nice termination work with those big emotions present and unresolved.

Originally Posted by Xtree

"This ending contradicts everything you taught me regarding trust and safety. I feel I lost all the ground I have gained. I am left with an overwhelming sense of loss, betrayal, and feelings of abandonment.... Termination of therapy in this way is enough for me to not venture into therapy again."

I am glad you are telling her how it is. Her termination seems very unfair to me. It has sounded like she is uncomfortable with how close you have become and she hasn't felt able to maintain her boundaries with you at the distance she would like. That has sounded to me like she needs supervision on this, so she can learn to manage herself. It sounds like it is her issue and she has not had the courage to work on it. Sorry to be so critical--I know she has been a good T to you. I just feel a bit of outrage on your behalf.

[gelfling]

Xtree - I don't know the circumstances of your therapists desire to shift you to another therapist - but I am struggling with a similar situation where T referred me to an "intensive" (ha) day program for individual and group therapy which has ended and now can not say he will be able to continue our therapy and wants to "shift" me to his new associate who was brought on to deal with adolescents (which I most definitely am not!) I feel like I am being dumped onto someone else, feel my trust in him has been severed - and have been left hanging with no continuation of treatment at an extremely vulnerable time. I feel like I have just wasted the entire last 4 months - financial and temporal resources I cannot get back or afford to re-spend - I wish there were some way to help these T understand the deep impact some of these decisions have on us, especially when we are in a fragile state.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Xtree

I am very sad that the journey I have been on is over without an ending.

Tree, would it help to think of it like a trip to a farther destination where you have to change planes/trains inbetween? Your journey is not over, just this "stage" of it. Do you want to be stuck in the boon docks, no good hotel room or restaurant or do you want to trade your previous information and have it upgraded to new tickets and continue to where you want to end up? Yes the first leg of the journey was great; comfortable, good companionship and an overall A+ trip and sure, the next portion might be in a prop plane with the seats too small, a snoring companion on your right blocking your view out the window and a talking, squirming kid on your left when all you want to do is relax and read the good book you just bought in this airport but you're going where you want to go, where you want to end up! That's what you keep your eyes on.

[Xtree]

Originally Posted by Perna

Tree, would it help to think of it like a trip to a farther destination where you have to change planes/trains inbetween? Your journey is not over, just this "stage" of it. Do you want to be stuck in the boon docks, no good hotel room or restaurant or do you want to trade your previous information and have it upgraded to new tickets and continue to where you want to end up? Yes the first leg of the journey was great; comfortable, good companionship and an overall A+ trip and sure, the next portion might be in a prop plane with the seats too small, a snoring companion on your right blocking your view out the window and a talking, squirming kid on your right when all you want to do is relax and read the good book you just bought in this airport but you're going where you want to go, where you want to end up! That's what you keep your eyes on.

I love your way of thinking Perna!! Thanks! :-)

[Oceanwave]

I don't know if my stoical take on the subject helps you, but I have had several Ts in the past and have always learnt something new and interesting from each new T. I also found that, because I am the common denominator, my therapy itself is not so very different when working with a new therapist. It is the same old me, and some of the same old problems, but there is also always a new spark with every different person. So, if you can look at it as an opportunity for an exciting new relationship that might help you move forward.

[Xtree]

Originally Posted by sunrise

How can you sit back and rehash the good memories?

It has sounded like she is uncomfortable with how close you have become and she hasn't felt able to maintain her boundaries with you at the distance she would like. That has sounded to me like she needs supervision on this, so she can learn to manage herself.

Thanks Sunrise, as always you have great points!

I cannot rehash good memories just yet, she doesnt understand that.

She stretched her boundaries with the hopes that it would help me. She did not realize the implications it was going to have and of course I didnt. She is a very good T and has been practicing for over 30 years. I know her intentions were good and would never do anything to hurt me on purpose, but knowing that doesn’t help. It is like when a close friend dies, you understand why they are gone. You do not blame them but it still hurts.

Xtree, I am sorry. You are not alone. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I don't. I understand your struggle regarding the termination, and all the painful feelings this experience brings.

What struck me by your post, was your written comments to T. You did a great job sharing how you are experiencing it! The similarities in the the way I experienced it and you are experiencing it now are striking, and yet our circumstances may be very different. I found my old letter and re-read. One comment, in particular, was almost written verbatim...."This ending contradicts everything you ever taught me about trust and safety." I wrote, "Your choice to terminate me contradicted everything you ever taught me, every email you sent, and everything that you said." For me, the struggle is in the contradiction.

Therapy really does seem quite unfair, at times. As clients we are asked to take a leap of faith and *trust* the process. However, when a T can't (or won't) continue, for whatever reason, the client is left alone to pick up the pieces. I understand many terminations (i.e. moving, illness, etc...) even though they are just as difficult. It is the "unexplained" ones that I can't comprehend. Those which leave the client with a huge void, self-blaming, and questioning if they can ever forgive themselves? It just seems cruel and wrong.

My T terminated me without cause. I wish I had the opportunity to have processed it with him, prior to the termination. My hope for you is that you use this time to share with your T, the good and bad feelings, you are experiencing as a result. In the meantime....((((((((((((((((((Xtree))))))))))))))))))))).

This was not your fault.

[peaches100]

Xtree,

I understand how badly you feel about this, and the feeling of being abandoned. It's too bad that you and your t weren't able to discuss the boundary violations and then agree together to have some tighter boundaries around the therapy relationship, rather than having to terminate. Is that completely out of the question? If termination is to occur, it sounds like you need time to process all of the feelings it is bringing up for you. You won't want to end feeling so sad, angry, and betrayed. Can your t help you slowly transition rather than making such a quick switch to a different therapist?

Originally Posted by peaches100

It's too bad that you and your t weren't able to discuss the boundary violations and then agree together to have some tighter boundaries around the therapy relationship, rather than having to terminate. Is that completely out of the question?

This is a good question. Have you talked to T about this, xtree? Is the problem that the friendship is going to continue so the therapy can't? Or, can the boundaries be redrawn so the therapy can continue?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it's so painful