[MissCharlotte]

I had an awful session the other day. I was very ungrounded and couldn't find my center. I feel like I was shrieking or something (although I don't really think I was.) T asked a question and I started to cry because it felt like he was criticizing me. I think I was a young me who has been contained now for quite a while. I looked at him and told him I couldn't find myself. I called him after session and asked for a half-session on the phone which we had later. I cried more and told him I felt like he didn't "get it," and that I felt so alone. He just said yes. I know that he is going away in two weeks and I always get anxious before his vacation but I thought that I was really grown up about it now. I know he's coming back and I feel really safe in the relationship so it's not like it was when I first started going. But I am left with feelings of remorse and shame from my session and afterward behavior. And a part of me feels like canceling my sessions for the next two weeks and let him then go away and I'll see him in September if I feel like going back. I don't know where I am in my work with him--and I feel kind of numb about it all. Ugh. Yucky crappy feelings. I really wish I could disappear for a while.

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

I cried more and told him I felt like he didn't "get it," and that I felt so alone.

(((((((((((Miss))))))))))))

The WORST feeling in the world for me is how it feels when T doesn't get what's going on with me, and how I'm feeling. It's hard for me to feel "okay" until I can get him to understand what's going on...and sometimes it's hard for me to get him to understand, because I'm not even sure myself.

Vacations are still hard for me too. I was just going to come to PC and post tonight because my T is gone FOR THE WEEKEND and I'm feeling kind of unsure and alone. He's going to be gone most of the rest of the month, and maybe the way I feel this weekend is partly because I know what's coming.

It makes sense to me that Little Miss would show up and be scared and sad about him leaving. Our adult selves can know he's coming back, feel secure, etc while our little parts are crying "don't leave me". It can be both.

I hope you find some peace. And I hope you go to your appointments for the next couple of weeks. Give yourself (and your little self) a chance to find the connected place before the break.

It's good to see you, by the way

[ECHOES]

((MissC))

[MissCharlotte]

Thanks guys. It's nice to be here. But the problem is Tree that if I go back I just don't know if I CAN connect with him. When I think about him and the room I feel NOTHING.
It's really weird. Is it a defense? A self-protective mechanism? I dunno. I just do not know. I know intellectually that you are right about the fact that it can be both parts but it doesn't feel like that is true. I feel like a jerk --that's the only feeling I have. Ugh.

[Melbadaze]

oh Miss C, you know this is all happening on an emotional level? of course your adult and understand about breaks, but be patient with the emotional responses you used to survive when younger, there for a reason stil and letting you know it, they actually are showing you they trust you and T by their shrieking or else believe me they'd hard! Its hard though, sorry.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

Thanks guys. It's nice to be here. But the problem is Tree that if I go back I just don't know if I CAN connect with him. When I think about him and the room I feel NOTHING.
It's really weird. Is it a defense? A self-protective mechanism? I dunno. I just do not know. I know intellectually that you are right about the fact that it can be both parts but it doesn't feel like that is true. I feel like a jerk --that's the only feeling I have. Ugh.

I think we are in the same place. Nothingness is a self-protective defense, yes.

[WePow]

MissC - I sense you know that it is a form of self-protection. The closer you start to feel, the harder it is and the more you run. You are only doing subconsciously what you HAD to do in the past to stay safe.

Keep on being brave and moving through the feelings. Keep on showing up for a while and see where it takes you.

[mixedup_emotions]

I hope you are able to address these feelings with your T. I believe that it will help guide the way to a connected feeling with T. Feelings just are. They are not rational, or irrational. They are not good, bad, right, wrong. They just ARE. And there's a reason for them that's worth working through.

((( HUGS )))

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by MissCharlotte

Thanks guys. It's nice to be here. But the problem is Tree that if I go back I just don't know if I CAN connect with him. When I think about him and the room I feel NOTHING.

Do you believe there IS a connection, even though you might be afraid that there isn't? Would it help to think back and recall what it felt like to have the connection? Try to think about that connectedness, and the good things in your relationship with him. I hope you allow yourself to see him before he goes and remember that place in your session and also while he is away.

[MissCharlotte]

I think the empty nothing feeling is covering up fear. I don't want to go back because I don't want to feel the way I felt in session and afterward. I don't want to feel that again. It feels foreign and scary and I don't know who I am and I can't find myself.
I placed a call to T on Friday to try and muster up the courage to talk about this a bit and he left me a message this morning that I could call his cell this afternoon, what time, etc. I called back and said I was okay until session. I don't want to feel that way, and so I am really scared and avoiding. Oh blast it!

[WePow]

MissC, Fear is a tool. It is valid. Honor that fear for the gift it brings you. Fear is survival and what empowers us to fight or flee. It took me a long time to learn that the fear was not my enemy. It is YOU trying hard to keep YOU safe.

Now fear only happens as a result of past experience. Sometimes fear is of the unknown because a past experience taught us that the unknown can be very bad.
But a baby has no fear when they are born. They learn fear though from the first few moments in the world as they feel the physical separation from the mother for the first time. Change of temperature and environment = I am in a new place and have no idea what is going on!

As we grow up, we add to the fear collection. We see pictures of spider bites hurting people and we may add spider to our fear collection. The older we get, the more fear we tend to accumulate due to experience. Those who have had any type of abuse or trauma will become more fearful of their relationships. They also learn that being shown love or stability must be feared because "this" will happen to them if they trust in what is being shown to them at the time.

It is interesting but I think this is why people with lower levels of past trauma tend to be hurt more when their friends do something that causes emotional damage. They do not have the same fear of an abuse survivor - so the emotional punch can really hit them hard. Abuse survivors tend to say "Well, I expected THAT to happen one day!" So you see? The fear of eventually being hurt has placed that person in a protective bubble of sorts. And it works.

Honor the fear you have around this event. It is not a flaw.

Now the flip side of this is that the protective bubble can also prevent us from enjoying the good stuff that comes from healthy relationships. The relationship a client has with their T can be one of the most rewarding experiences in a person's life. And I believe with all my heart that if a client is just not able to get that relationship after trying hard to work towards that (if the cogs just don't fit), that the client should find a different T. My own T said he had to go through about 20 T's to find HIS T.

But that is not where it stops. Once a person has the T they feel they can grow with in a relationship, they have to learn how to do the work of allowing that relationship to bloom. And that can bring up that good ole tool of fear. But this time, a client can use the tool of fear with new wisdom and with some expert hands from the T to show them how a good relationship should work.

It is OK to be shut down to your T when fear starts to come into the picture. But allow your T the chance to help you use the fear as a tool - rather than just repeating the past cycle where the fear is telling YOU what to do. If you ever used one of those big commercial floor buffers, that is kinda how I describe fear that is untamed. It tends to just take you all over the place and you have no control of where you end up!

Big hugs to you!!

[MissCharlotte]

Originally Posted by WePow

MissC, Fear is a tool. It is valid. Honor that fear for the gift it brings you...It is not a flaw.

Thank you so much for this! It changes the perspective quite a bit.

It is interesting but I think this is why people with lower levels of past trauma tend to be hurt more when their friends do something that causes emotional damage. They do not have the same fear of an abuse survivor - so the emotional punch can really hit them hard. Abuse survivors tend to say "Well, I expected THAT to happen one day!" So you see? The fear of eventually being hurt has placed that person in a protective bubble of sorts. And it works.

Very interesting-and I agree wholeheartedly!

Now the flip side of this is that the protective bubble can also prevent us from enjoying the good stuff that comes from healthy relationships. The relationship a client has with their T can be one of the most rewarding experiences in a person's life. And I believe with all my heart that if a client is just not able to get that relationship after trying hard to work towards that (if the cogs just don't fit), that the client should find a different T. My own T said he had to go through about 20 T's to find HIS T.

I have been with T for four years. I have grown tremendously over that time but I feel stuck right now. I have a very deep regard for T. Just not sure where "we" are right now.

But allow your T the chance to help you use the fear as a tool - rather than just repeating the past cycle where the fear is telling YOU what to do.

This is the part I don't get.

If you ever used one of those big commercial floor buffers, that is kinda how I describe fear that is untamed. It tends to just take you all over the place and you have no control of where you end up!

LOL--I picture me flying around the room behind the buffer!

Many thanks WePow!

Big hugs to you!!

Right back at 'ya!