[Fartraveler]

I feel like my T is having something going on in her life. Some kind of personal problem or issue.

I think this because:

1. she extended her vacation by a day. (I think she was home by then, but just came back to work a day late.) (She has never done that before.)
2. last time she cut my time short by 10 minutes because she had an appointment. In nearly 10 years, she has only once ever done anything like that, and the other time it was because of a medical emergency. This time, though, she didn't say.

I have no way to know, but my guess is that maybe her husband, who is 84, is maybe having some medical stuff. Of course I don't really know.

I am really worried about this. Should I ask her? I know it's not my business. But also I do care about her, if she has some serious problem to deal with in her real life, then I want to know.

So should I ask?

-Far

[sittingatwatersedge]

Far (hi there, we haven't "spoken" in a while),

you & yr T have a special relationship
and I bet the two of you have shared all kinds of "weather"... T has given you a lot, and you care, what would be wrong with saying, is everything OK?

I've done this, on more than one occasion (T is over 70) and the responses vary. Sometimes I get little reply; sometimes she shares some with me; in no case would she reject me for caring, for asking.

that's my $0.02, anyway. Hugs to you
SAWE

[floatingaround]

I went through a similar situation with my T. While he was going through it I didn't ask him about it but a month or so later when he seemed back to what felt like more of his normal self we discussed it.I brought up to conversation by saying it seemed like you were going though some things a few months ago. It seemed as though it was affecting you and I went on to talk about what I had guessed was going on with him. His response was that I'm really in tune with him and that I can trust my instincts. He asked a lot of questions about it and I did not ask what was going on or in fact if anything was going on. I simply shared my experience of him with him. Thinking back on it now I believe it helped me to feel closer, more connected.So I say tell her YOUR experience and concerns but I'm not so sure about asking her to tell you what's going on with her (not that you specifically say you'd do that) I hope this is useful to you.

[Fartraveler]

Hi SAWE,

Thanks for your thoughts. Yes, you are right. I can ask, and just try to make sure it comes across as caring rather than intrusive. She hasn't changed her phone message from her vacation yet either, and that's unlike her. (She's been back a week now.) Also, she wrote July rather than August on my appointment card. So I feel like there's definitely something on her mind. I will see her Wednesday, and I will ask then. (She won't tell me anything that she doesn't want me to know.)

Thanks again,
-Far

[mixedup_emotions]

It certainly is concerning to feel as though something is going on with T...I know that my T does not want to disclose too much because he doesn't want his clients worrying about him. But there have been times when I knew something was wrong, and I addressed it with him...and we talked about it briefly...I like the idea of addressing it out of concern, because if it is something that is troubling you, then it is worth addressing.

[Fartraveler]

Floating Around -- Thanks, that's probably exactly how my T would want me to do it -- share my experience of her with her. She may limit it to that. (If I say that I think her husband's got medical issues, she actually will probably want to go into that, because I have at times been very reactive to the idea of her husband.) I want to know what's really going on, too, though. I guess I'll see.

MUE, yes, it's hard when one thinks something's going on with one's T. I really hate these therapy boundaries. My T acts like she discloses a lot. But in fact she only discloses stuff if it's close to something she wants me to be thinking about. Which I suppose is what she's supposed to do. I think when we took a break from therapy and were just doing supportive therapy, she was more open. Now that we're back to doing real therapy, I can feel the difference in her. Oh well. I hope I actually do bring it up, as vs. just deciding not to bother.

[mobius]

It sounds like it might get in the way of your therapy if you *didn't* ask, given that it's been causing you concern. Seems the worst she could do would be to acknowledge your concern and then not answer...*

*Says she who hems and haws about asking her therapist anything...

[Perna]

I would not ask my T but might say I have been concerned about her and tell her what you have picked up. It doesn't matter what is going on in her life; everyone has things going on in their lives more or less and my T probably would not tell me what it was, only confirm that yes, something was going on. What is important is that you are concerned. I would tell her just that and not accent your curiosity about her life (or she theoretically would want you to talk about that curiosity (the "what"), when in fact, you want to express your concern. I would tell my T I was concerned and expect a "thank you" (for my concern).

It may be that just expressing your concern and telling her what you have seen will help her because she'll know she's not "hiding" that she is having a problem in case she is trying to minimize/hide it so it doesn't intrude on your therapy. That you are noticing "anyway" could give her "permission" to use some of the energy she's using to minimize it on whatever she is working on, knowing you see despite her efforts and your concern shows you care/understand.

[rainbow8]

Good luck tomorrow, Far. If it were me, I'd ask even if I was being intrusive because it would "get in my way." I'd probably obsess about it, so it would be better to ask. I would do it out of caring, but for me, the boundaries would blur a little because it's a "chance" to blur them. I don't know if that makes sense, but I know you know where I'm coming from because you've been there.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Perna

I would not ask ... but might say I have been concerned about her and tell her what you have picked up. It doesn't matter what is going on in her life... I would tell my T I was concerned and expect a "thank you" (for my concern). .... she'll know she's not "hiding" that she is having a problem in case she is trying to minimize/hide it so it doesn't intrude on your therapy.

interesting comments, Perna,and I think it probably varies A LOT from one T to the next.
My T hardly takes a breath between clients, in order to give us a full 60 minutes, and sometimes she gets very overbooked.
Once I commented that I'd thought about bringing her one of those non-refrigerated, heatable noodle lunches to keep around, in case some day she overbooks to the point that she can't even go out for lunch - I said I had considered it, but hadn't done it, because I imagined her refusing it saying, "Oh no thanks, I have my own support system" and she burst out laughing. There was no "why do you think you might need to take care of me" stuff; we can be "friends" at least to this extent. And T is still the T , and I am still messed-up me

reading this whole thread I was thinking ... if I was concerned that T had upsetting life stuff going on to the point that I needed to ask her if all was OK, approaching it from an "it's getting in the way here" standpoint and not an "I care about you" standpoint would afterward cause me to obsess that I had put guilt on her for letting her "screen" lose some of its "blankness". My particular T is not so very blank as that, I guess.

Or ... maybe ... part of healing lies in developing an ability to move one's focus from oneself to others, and have concerns about them...

[Fartraveler]

Thanks, everyone, yes, I'm starting to obsess a little. The thing is, I sent her an email reminding her that she hadn't changed her phone message and she still hasn't changed it.

And the weird place my mind has gone is not that something has happened to her, but that she has refrained from changing it on purpose, in order to upset me or teach me something or whatever.

Now this is not as strange as it sounds, because I have always had this very strange and intimate relationship with her phone messages. I feel like I can tell how she feels about me from the sound of her voice on the phone message, and the words she uses. It's not always about me (like, one time she changed her phone message to say something about 'you need to cancel 24 hours in advance' and that one was for someone else, because I do not cancel appointments.) But a lot of the time she is thinking about me when she changes her phone messages. I feel convinced of this. They are messages to me, personally.

(Even though she says, with some exasperation: "That phone message is for everyone, it is not just for you.")

So why hasn't she changed it yet? It's because I relate so strongly to her phone messages -- and also because I send her too many emails, and she is getting sick of it.

Last time she said it was not appropriate for me to send her so many emails, even though last year she encouraged me to send her emails and she said she didn't have any email rules.

OK, I pushed the boundaries a little, and now she wants to set up some guidelines. I get that.

So she is trying to tell me that she isn't reading my emails, and she is doing that by not changing her phone message. That is what I think is going on.

And I also don't think she'll admit it.

OK, craziness has clearly set in. I know that I am not the most important thing in her life. But I also think that this email/phone message scenario has plausibility.

And now I'm all furious at her. (Which by tomorrow will morph into a sullen silence.)

Rainbow, yes, I know you get where this is coming from. Recovery/reasonableness is such a fragile thing!

In an obnoxious and pissed-off mood,
-Far

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Fartraveler

........she has refrained from changing it on purpose, in order to upset me or teach me something or whatever.... also don't think she'll admit it.

LOL... my T of left her voice message unchanged for four days after vacation and I accused her of leaving it there just so she could call herself up and listen to those lovely words, I am going to be out of the office for TEN DAYS (ten days, ten lovely wonderful days off...) I made her laugh. Then again, she seems to laugh at a lot of the stuff I say. Hmmmm

Far, craziness has NOT set in. All of what you say is perfectly plausible.

Sneeeeeky therapists.............