[feary]

My therapist says I am the worst case she has seen in her 30 plus years, the only one she has not been able to help, saying I try the least (which is NOT true)

My psychiatrist said that I am the worst medicine case she has seen, unable to tolerate any medication, and doesn't know what to do

Now they are suggesting I go to another team

Do they know how much more hopeless they are making me feel?

They keep saying that they don't think I want to get better.

And I agree with them

but I don't understand why I feel this way and what I can do to change this

I have no idea

I live in extreme terror and panic each second with no relief at all

[gelfling]

i know how hard it is when you feel you are being given up on by the people who say they want to help you - in order to get better you have to want to work at it and you have to have people in whom you can trust so you can get better. as hard as it is to hear - maybe people with fresh eyes and perspectives would be better for you.

[Sannah]

The people who do the most healing are those who take it into their own hands to get better using their therapist as a resource to do so.

[ECHOES]

I don't know what orientation your T is but when you change T's, choose your own rather than be assigned. Choosing your own therapist is your first step toward taking ownership of the things that scare you and consume your thoughts.

My susggestion is to find a psychodynamic therapist who specializes in panic and in personality diagnoses. Someone who understands the value of time, of being a constant presence, of helping you look deeper at things your panic thoughts are trying to drown out.

Read all you can, online (www.guidetopsychology.com) and books.
Try relaxation techniques, guided imagery on your own or with a therapist who does those things.

Try very hard to listen and to hear just what it is your thoughts and fears are about, what they are keeping you from, what they are protecting you from.

[deliquesce]

hi feary,
i think it's great that you posted here. is this the sort of thing you would be comfortable telling your therapist at all?
just a few comments, if i may:

Originally Posted by feary

My therapist says I am the worst case she has seen in her 30 plus years, the only one she has not been able to help, saying I try the least (which is NOT true)

My psychiatrist said that I am the worst medicine case she has seen, unable to tolerate any medication, and doesn't know what to do

i think this seems really rather unfair of them. it sounds like they are putting the blame on you - which absolves them of responsibility. if your therapist isn't able to help you, then that's about 2 people (yourself - who knows, maybe your issues are the worst she's seen) but also her (why doesn't she have skills enough to help you out? and what is she doing to grow as a therapist so she CAN help you out?). it's not completely your "failing", it's about 2 people and your therapist isn't owning her part in where you are.
the medication thing is a little trickier, but something that can usually be worked around with also, imo. i've been through 15 meds now, there have been times where was have had to quarter tablets and split them again so that i could tolerate the dose.
either way, i think your therapist & pdoc aren't being fair to you. they're making it out that you're the problem, when in actual fact they're part of the problem in not being skilled enough to help you.
maybe you could see this as an opportunity to find someone better skilled to help you out?

They keep saying that they don't think I want to get better.

And I agree with them

so you don't want to get better? but earlier in your post you said you do try? i'm hoping you could clarify what you're trying towards, if it isn't getting better?

[mixedup_emotions]

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time. Have you told your therapist and psychiatrist how you feel as a result of the things they've said? I could see my T saying something as an attempt to push me towards making progress. I had no idea at all how hard therapy is - and how much work it is - changes take effort...and when you're feeling so badly, sometimes it just feels absolutely hopeless because the energy is just zapped away....gone....but somehow, there needs to be creation of more energy, to plug away towards better health.

I hope you are able to find a solution to help you...

Originally Posted by feary

My therapist says I am the worst case she has seen in her 30 plus years, the only one she has not been able to help, saying I try the least (which is NOT true)

My psychiatrist said that I am the worst medicine case she has seen, unable to tolerate any medication, and doesn't know what to do

Now they are suggesting I go to another team

I feel for u Feary cos I've been in the same situation. It sucks! The way I understand it (as a medical student) is that people go into the helping professions because they want to help people. When the people they treat don't get better, for whatever reason, frustration is natural (for the patient as well!). They may doubt their competency to help, and/or they may doubt their client. People generally feel less threatened if they can attribute failure to something outside of their control (in this case the client for not 'wanting' to get better or for not following their advice etc)

Understanding that doesnt make it any easier tho. Perhaps u could look at this as a way to get the more specialist care that you need from another team?

Originally Posted by feary

They keep saying that they don't think I want to get better.
And I agree with them
but I don't understand why I feel this way and what I can do to change this

Since u agree with them, I'll give u some of the reasons I came up with to stay depressed; perhaps they may be similar to u? I was told the same thing by many, many different people and, though I didn't agree, I did spend a lot of time thinking about it to see if there could be any truth in it, and I came up with a pros/cons list for being depressed.

Off the top of my head (and they may not apply for u at all so u'll need to think about it), some of the pros can be:
- excuse for me to have time off Uni and get away from the stress; if I don't try then I don't run the risk of failure
- excuse for me to get out of social & family responsibilities for a time
- excuse for me to stay in bed most of the day if I wanted to
- got paid (a pittance mind u!) and didnt have to work
- excuse for some attention eg Pdoc, T, family friends
- the longer u are 'ill' the more familiar it becomes; change (even if for the better) is scary & runs risk of failure

Anyway I'm sure there are more reasons if u think about it, and I don't even fully agree with the reasons I came up with (u have to play Devil's Advocate). Now I'm back in Uni so none of those reasons could possibly apply now, but I'm still made to feel like it's all my fault.

I hope this has helped! As to what u can do to change this, I think awareness of any possible 'benefits' of ur illness is the first step.

Take care Feary

*Willow*

[Perna]

Originally Posted by feary

My therapist says I am the worst case she has seen in her 30 plus years, the only one she has not been able to help, saying I try the least (which is NOT true)

They keep saying that they don't think I want to get better.

And I agree with them

Your therapist is not criticizing you, she's giving you information. Of all the clients she's ever had, you, in her opinion of her clients, tries the least. You can't deny that because it's about her opinion and her clients she's seen. But, it is an observation, not something negative.

What do you want to do with that information? Do you want to keep seeing this team? Have you asked, "What can I do that would indicate to you I am trying?"

No one else can "cure" you or make you feel better. How you feel is about you and only you are the expert on you! I have assumed that you feel so frightened and like the rug was pulled out from under you because you got out of a bad marriage and the rug was pulled out from under you.

So, that's "why" you feel like you do. However, feelings are neither here nor there; they're just information about how we're interacting with ourselves and the rest of the world. So can be reading a book. Information is just information it's not what one does with the information.

You are frightened. What are you going to do about that? Yes, you may die in 10 minutes but sitting and being terrified that you may die in 10 minutes doesn't make that go away. How about going out for a walk for the next 10 minutes while you wait to die? Sitting is less "useful" than taking a walk. You haven't taken enough walks to convince your therapist that you want to feel better that you're "trying" something different than just complaining about how rotten you feel.

Take how you feel as a given. Now work on living. To heck with if you "want" to or feel like it, etc. Remember that you "want" to get better and use that want to cancel out any negative "unwants". Whatever positive thing you think until you see your therapist again, "I think I should take a shower", go do that instead of talking yourself out of it. Then tell your therapist what you've done. Go for walks, make 3 course dinners, make and eat breakfast, take showers, vacuum your living room, get dressed and make your bed, sit and relax and read a book for a couple hours, then page through the yellow pages of the phone book and imagine yourself in different jobs. What would it be like to become a plumber? If you had your own company, what would you name it (notice the AAA people wanting to be listed first and then you have the AAAA people, etc. or those with number (which come before letters) ;-) How many "types" of therapists can you find in your yellow pages; where I use to live I didn't have "enough" psychologists but found lots of family therapists and marriage counselors and psychiatrists, and social workers. How many different listings can you find that mean "therapist" and how does each advertise? Which kind interests you and which seems lame or uninteresting?

Go rent a good "chick" flick like "Runaway Bride" with Julia Roberts and watch how she solves her problem. I love that movie for what she does with the eggs