[JustWannaDisappear]

I have my T appointment tomorrow evening and for days now I've been trying to decide if I'm going to tell her about some of my struggles. I know I need to be honest with her, but I guess I'm scared of being honest with myself. Does that make any sense?

I don't want to tell her (or anyone) face to face that I've been wanting to gulp down my entire bottle of ADs or that I am really fighting the urge to SI again after 7yrs of not, or that I went through 8yrs of SA. Saying any of that out loud and especially face to face, makes me want to vomit. My stomach has been in knots for days, my anxiety is constant and I feel like I'm sinking again. I don't want to be around my kids right now because I'm so consumed with this.

I want to just walk in and spill it, but I'm afraid I won't be able to hold myself together if I do, and while I know it's part of the process, I'm not sure how I can stop plastering on my fake smile and responding with "I'm doing good, no really I am, things are great" while inside I'm begging her to see through it.

Sorry, their is no real point to this, I'm just having a really bad night.

[zooropa]

I know so well that feeling of wanting to vomit when you think about telling. It took me a long time to even be able to figure out how to put some of my experiences into words because it had gone unspoken for so long. I got some great advice here which was to write it down. I think my plan was to write it down and hand it to T at the beginning of my next session. I never did actually give it to her but the act of writing it down in a narrative like that really released some of the emotion and made me able to talk about it. I ended up reading it out loud to her. It was really helpful.

[3velniai]

I know how hard it is to just go and tell T this stuff. Writing about it is good idea, this is what I did. My T allows me to email, so I just wrote down stuff and clicked on send before I changed up my mind. You can do it, you can tell her. If it's too hard, you could tell one thing at a time. T will help you survive through it.

[Melbadaze]

wanna, I think a good T always looks underneath the smiles...it might not all happen in one theraputic hour, but is an ongoing process and how we handle our fears either through smiles or anger is all part of it.

[Oceanwave]

Hi there. It's important that you tell, at least some of it. But remember you don't have to do it all at once. Take it one step at a time and start with something that's not too hard; you could mention how you are feeling right now for starters, vaguely, and then move on to some of the reasons behind that. Don't tell him you are doing fine - that just won't help you break the ice.