[JustWannaDisappear]

Okay, to give a little background.

I've been on (and occasionally off) meds since I was 18. I went off during both pregnancies, and after I had my son 21mos ago I went back on due to PPD. I stayed on them until April when I had gained so much weight I was more than when I delivered my son. I figured it had to be either my birth control (IUD) or Celexa. So I took myself off the Celexa in hopes to lose some weight. I ended up going to see my PCP in May. We had just switched clinics so I had never seen him before. I asked about my weight gain and he ended up putting me on Meridia (weight loss meds).

After starting therapy in June and being off meds I hit an all time low. I have really bad anger and my moods go from high to low pretty fast. My highs are a normal happy self, my lows are extremely low. My T wants me back on meds. Finally after one day of feeling very low I called my T and asked her if she could help me find a psychiatrist for meds. She told me to go to my PCP and get a referral since it's really hard to get an appt with psych.

I went in and did my Meridia checkup and told my Dr about the depression and how I've been trying to work on it in therapy but I'm at the point where I cannot be off meds. Well, Meridia doesn't mix well with anti depressants. SSRIs to be specific. So he put me on Wellbutrin. I also told him my fear of weight gain. At this point I had lost 12lbs since starting the Meridia 2mos before. I was thrilled, but 10days into the Wellbutrin I had what I think is an allergic reaction. I never called my PCP about it, but told my T at the next session. She said she would try to get me in to see a psych. Well, she's on vacation and I don't have a session until next Wednesday.

I've been going on and off the Wellbutrin since my reaction. I know that's bad to do, but I NEED something and want to continue the Meridia. At least until I finish the bottle. I am at the point where I need to go back to my PCP for a check up unless I've been able to get in to see a psych. I haven't been able to, and I don't want to see my PCP because I feel like I'm this new patient and all I do is run is complaining about something. Yeah yeah, that's what he's for, right? I know this, but the irrational part of me is telling me to suck it up and deal with the depression.

I'm at the point (again)where I'm thinking about packing my bags and walking away from my family. I know when I get this low that I need to do something, and now. I just want someone to push me and tell me this is what I *HAVE* to do. I don't want to admit to myself that I will probably need meds for the rest of my life, and that makes me feel defective. I hate being so mean and angry all the time. I have done nothing but yell & scream at my kids today, and picked a fight with my parents. My mom actually hung up on me because of how awful I was to her.

There's no real point to this. More of a vent I guess.

[zooropa]

(((((JWD)))))

I'm really sorry you're so low right now. I can feel the pain and depression in your words. I think if it were possible to just 'suck it up' we would have done that a long time ago. The idea of being on meds "forever" used to really bother me, too. I think it's ok to not look that far down the road. Take the meds now, because you need it and it helps. Don't worry about whether you will always need them.

[Perna]

I think you are running around seeing too many doctors and then also getting in the mix and doctoring yourself by taking yourself off meds! Go back to the new PCP and tell him the WHOLE story of what you've been on and what/when you took yourself off and the weight gain thing and have him find you something that will help and not cause you to gain weight and give him back the rest of the Meridia and lose the rest of the weight the healthy way! You want mental health? You aren't going to get it mucking about with the meds on your own like you're doing.