[rainbow8]

I keep making up excuses for threads. But the bottom line is that I miss my T and want to be there with her. She says not to try to figure it out. So the truth is I just want to be with her. She said "don't fight it." I'm not sure what IT is. I just want to sit there and feel safe with her for a while. It hurts so much to want that, to write the words, to experience it. I don't know if I'm being overly dramatic, or it really IS the big deal I'm making it out to be. Words don't explain my feelings. Does anyone "get" what I mean?

[WePow]

Rainbow, yes. I do understand what you say and feel. I get it.
It is so hard to feel understood and not be with the ONE person on earth who "gets" you... to feel safe like we feel around T 24/7. I miss my T too - greatly. You are not being overly dramatic. You are being honest.

[Oceanwave]

Get it, yes. It is good to be just there and be held.

[Fartraveler]

Yes, I get it. Writing about her is a way to feel a little bit closer to her, so that's one reason that you write about her a lot. I do that too. (It's probably one of the least destructive ways to act on that feeling or need, at least that's what I've always felt.)(So, just go with it.)

-Far

[rainbow8]

It stirs up feelings that are inappropriate to the situation. T says "don't think about what I think she thinks" but it's so hard.

[BlackCanary]

I do get what you mean, esp. about the feelings inappropriate to the situation.
I have no idea what to do with it. It's been 2 mo since I saw that T, he got a new job. Still think of him every day and wish I could see him again. In an appointment.
It's a super powerful feeling, and because I'm ashamed about it, it makes me feel like being self-destructive (like staying up to midnight).

[rainbow8]

One more day until my session.....

[sunrise]

I have felt that way too, that I miss my T. It was very powerful when I allowed myself to think that. It was like it was a forbidden thought or something, but when I allowed myself to think "I miss him", it helped. And when I first told T that "I missed him" after he had been away, this felt good too. I think there's something healing about finally letting these "forbidden" feelings out. I don't know why I had forbade myself to miss him. It seemed essential back then, but now I just recognize I miss him and say that and it is less of a big deal.

Last time I saw my T, which was a couple of weeks ago for only a few minutes due to a scheduling misunderstanding, he said, "I miss you." That was nice to have him say that and not be afraid to admit it. The feeling of missing someone and expressing it can be healthy.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

One more day until my session.....

Hope the day passes quickly!

[doogie]

Yes, I get it. No, I don't understand it. Yes, it scares me. Should it scare me? I don't know that, either. Part of it, for me, is the power differential - I don't think she would ever hurt me, but because there is so much "feeling" there, she could. I don't like that I've given her that much power over me.

I think for me, the "missing" is part of the healing.

Part of therapy for me is learning to be open and trusting enough to love and be loved. if all of my walls were up, I wouldn't care that T wasn't around, and I wouldn't miss him.

I love him. I miss him. It's bittersweet, but it's right, and good. and hard.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

One more day until my session.....

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((rainbow))))))))))))))))))))))))))

not meaning to start anything but... can i ride with you?

[rainbow8]

Of course!!!!! Thank you. I'd be glad to have others, just so I can be brave and tell my T everything.

(((((((rainbow)))))))))

I get it so so so much. I miss my T and it hurts.

[WePow]

(((((((( Rainbow )))))))) you got it. Very soon you will be with T. It is funny because now when with T I find myself being more still - so I can absorb his presence. Like it is food for my soul. Like I want to remember it and how good I feel and how safe - so I can take it with me. Hope you get to slow time down when you are with your T and you can enjoy each single second!

[rainbow8]

Thanks, WePow. I hope I can slow time down too. I'm getting scared/excited about my session. Trying to talk myself OUT of telling her how I feel. It's easy to feel so much during the week, but when I get there I'll try to deny my feelings for her. It gets me wondering if I am making it up or if I am just panicking. I don't know!! I've got 4 hours to go, but I'm leaving my house in about 2 hours to go somewhere before my session. I'm glad T does breathing exercises before we start if I'm anxious; that usually helps me. Is it going to be productive to tell her how much I've missed her this week? I feel so stupid about it all.

[geez]

Rainbow as I am typing this you are in your session with T right now. I hope you are doing ok. I too can relate about missing T and feeling a sense of comfort being in T's presence. My next T appt isn't until Friday of next week and I miss her so much. I'm journaling and doing lots of reading on PC I have been seeing her once a week and it will have been 2 1/2 weeks between sessions. Not sure what I was thinking when I scheduled my next appt that far out

Hope your appointment went well today.