ok that wasn't to bad

my T copied out the e-mail i sent her and i knew i was in big trouble.BUTafter a short lecture again about how she doesnt want me sending e-mails or letters because she is still convinced that i will replace them with talking to her she said this time it was ok .after anothr small lecture about how concerned about what i'm not telling her and how scary that is.we talked about what i said in the letter.she told me that my husband insisting i go to my sesson las week was not him getting tired of dealing with me but probibly him worring and not knowing how to help.she talked to me about how she is worried about my farther not being able to get my step mom to go to hosp.she talked about how i think about myself and how that needs to change and how i cant even complain about anything.she said she gets it about my mother and why i went to care for her and also my farther.but how it is ok to be angry because they were never parents to me and she would be the last person to judge me for that.she also said about how she gets it about my not being able to talk.how maybe that makes things to real right now.and also she doesnt think i'm a bad person for feeling nothing about what is going on .that she thinks i shut down a lot more then i even am aware of didnt think she knew anything about hididng in my head..the big problem i see is this.i know i talked to her but i really cant remember a word i said i know what she said but not what i said.i'm afraid to ask he what i said.she will think i'm nutz.but i want to know what i said to her.usually i can remember what i.said

(((((( Granite ))))) I think you did a wonderful job of going in bravely and looking into this head-on with your T. Way to go!!!

(((((((granite))))))) this is great, good for you!

Granite that's great work!

Yah!!!!! She won't think that you are nuts for not remembering what you said. She will see it as dissociating/being fearful, etc.

Granite sounds like a very productive session! and it seems that yr T really is on your wavelength and she gets so much of how things are for you. (if it were me, I could take some confidence from that). And even if email is not the preferred option, it sounds like you both made something very positive out of it, aren't you glad you sent it?

Listen about telling her that you remember things she said but not things you said - please don't hesitate to go back into them so you can hear it again - I'm on the opposite end of that, I remember questions I ask T but sometimes can't remember her answer - she wasn't too happy to hear that, i think all T's want us to engrave their profound statements on stone and keep them forever lol.... but anyway, she won't think you're "nuts", in a whole hour a lot of conversation flows past and it's difficult to keep it all in mind. Just ask and see what she says.

Good job

i think most of the time i was hididng,so dont know if the word brave exactally fits but i was more open then i ever have to what she said.its just so hard.it was nice to hear again that she gets it even without me having to tell her much

thanks zoo!!! are you going to sesson today?

sannah i'm not so sure i want my T knowing i dissapear i never told her i do that and it scares me that she does.she knows other things also.like some of the reasons i have a hard time talking and i know i have never spoken about that at all.exsept to say it is hard in a letter.maybe she is reading here or something i dont know but it scares me a lot .i wish she never said anything to me about it.

i think as i calm down i am remembering some of the stuff i said
"she wouldnt go"
"thats my mother"
"i took her to hosp"
"she will be ok"
"i had to show him how to deposit a check"
"i dont want to argue"
"i'm sorry"
i also did a lot of nodding for things i couldnt use words for.god as i look at my list it dont seem like a lot to fill up an hour.it seemed like all i was doing was talking talking and talking.like the hour would never end

that;s a lot you said!!!! good work!!

Nice work granite!!!! Way to go!

granite, I think your session went very well! You did great!! T understands you, she didn't get angry about the email, and you did talk! Remember, "Rome wasn't built in a day". As far as her knowing things about you that you didn't tell her, I think it's because Ts are trained to be very observant and they notice a lot we don't tell them. It's their job! She sounds like a very good T.

It is important to tell the T when you are dissociating. She might have been able to see that you were.

I doubt very much that your T reads here. She is trained to be able to understand a lot about her clients without them telling her. Why does this scare you?

i have been wating for the fall out from all this but i seem to be ok.maybe that is because i havnt stopped yet to think. maybe im scared to.today i went to work untill 3 left and went to hosp untill 5 and back to work untill 9 long busy non thinking day.i worry about tomorrow i am thinking of asking if i can work i just dont want to think right now at all.if i keep moving i hope the freight train of thoughts wont catch up.i wonder if my T only dosent allow me to write letters or anything or if it is a policy she has for everyone.i have never had a T that doesnt want me to write stuff.kind of strange.i mean i understand it and i'm trying to work with it i really am but she is so insistant that i use words.her exact words about my e-mail was "as you know i would perfer you talk and use words but i feel what is in this e-mail is important so i want to talk about it.so this time it is ok"

sannah i really dont know why my T knowing more about me scares me so much i worry about what she can do with that information.not that she has ever done anything to cause me to be worried.she really is a good T i just am having huge trust issues i guess.

(((((((Granite))))))

Dissociating in session is okay. Your T will be able to understand what is happening. It wont be too much for her. I have lots of times in T when I can't remember what happened. At first I was terrified to tell my T what was happening. I thought that it meant I was beyond help. But when I shared it with my T she said it did not mean that. She said that it was okay. She was really calm. And it still happens sometimes. Usually when talking about stressful/scary topics.

This makes sense. Just keep in mind that she hasn't done anything with any of the info.