[mixedup_emotions]

Sorry I've been so disconnected from PC....when I got back from vacation, I then had another neck procedure done - so I've been recovering.

I see T today....

During group T the other night, the topic of disappointment and choices was discussed...and it really stirred up a lot for me, mostly in my sleep. Since my procedure, I've been mostly sleeping - and all this crud is swirling around in my mind....blech.

I don't know how to make peace with it....about what happened on New Year's 1-1/2 years ago when I was caught in a situation where my then-husband cornered me into having a sexual experience with him and another man who lives across the street from me - and this guy happens to be an adult son of a good friend of mine. UGH....

When T talked about this a few weeks ago, he felt that I HAD to confront my friend about it...to tell her what happened. And I don't want to do that....NEVER. It would just create all kinds of awfulness, and I do believe that my safety and the safety of my daughter would be compromised....It would be awful.

I asked my T at that time for a plan B....He said that there is no compromise for honesty....

Well, I don't believe that I have to spill my dirty laundry to them in order to heal.....And I KNOW....I KNOWWWW....that it would lead to even more unpleasantness in the here-and-now versus only being about "back then"....

Yet, the situation is haunting me at the moment....I keep reliving all the choices that I had back then - but it all came down to, I did what I felt I had to do in order to keep my daughter safe. She was in the house, asleep in her bed....and in order to get away and keep her safe, I would've had to drag her out of bed which would've been traumatizing to her...or if I locked myself in her room, they could've gone after me there which would've affected her....

Why is this still bothering me? My T would say that it's because it's still unfinished....But how do I "finish it" without compromising my safety and my daughter's safety now? I KNOW what my T will say...and I just don't think it would be a worthwhile discussion with him because he has one answer, and one answer only - which is not something I would do.

UGH. I feel as though I can't deal with this with T, because all he will do is push me....and I'm sorry, but if being dishonest with my friend and not addressing this with her - or with her alcoholic, anger-filled timebomb of a son who is confined to the house because of his own issues - for the safety of my daughter and myself....then I will continue to be dishonest....

BLECH!

[mixedup_emotions]

...And I just remembered that this topic is what led T to ultimately threaten to terminate therapy with me....My session with T is in an hour, and I don't know what to do.....ACK....

[Perna]

Oh, mixedup, I'm so sorry you're caught in such a place. I had a T pushing me to do something I did not believe was possible/necessary/what I wanted to do and threatening to not seem me anymore if I didn't do it. I was so upset it came out in group and my more senior, wiser group leader called my T and told him he was wrong and to back off. Do you have one of your group T's you could confide in who might help you see things "differently" (in case they have another way of explaining your T's point of view so you might agree with it more or would be willing to talk to your T about how you are caught like my T did).

I believe your T is wrong to push so hard and uni-dimentionally in this situation. I wholly agree with you that you don't necessarily have to confront/tell your friend what happened. I think that is tangential to the problems confronting you with the situation you were in, the experiences you had 1-1/2 years ago.

I think you have several things bothering you about what happened? Feeling cornered in order to protect your daughter is one and how (I feel) you doubt your choice there and may think of it as an "excuse" for your behavior?

For me, I would try to help myself using my creativity. I would maybe write a letter to my friend, address and stamp it with several stamps and put it in a safety deposit box with a note to have it mailed after my death (and/or give it to a law firm to do that). Or, I would write a novel :-) with similar people/scenarios, but not exact and an ending that would be to my liking, in other words, I'd pretend it was like a dream story and that I could think up my own twists and endings, try them on for size. Thinking of the experience and its aftermath as a "story" might help you see other alternatives or other possibilities of what would happen given different outcomes. What if the son marries and has a daughter your daughter babysits and the son dies leaving your daughter a letter about the incident? The two daughters are grown and friends. What would the son say in such a letter, after having a wife and daughter of his own? That sort of story.

For myself, I would remind myself that it is literally in my past and not now, that I'm not with that husband and decisions and actions, especially in my past are not "me", especially in the present. I would see if I couldn't work with my T in some other way, think of a Plan B that I liked and wanted to try and if I couldn't get him to explore it with me and, if not, I'd have to decide how important this whole piece of my life was to me now and maybe have to go get another T in order to start with the story and explore other paths to healing?

I believe there is rarely only one way to get to healing; yes you have to go "through" the experience and face the pain and fear to see all of what is there but I don't believe one necessarily has to involve any of the other people who were in, what is in essence, "our" experience. How you experienced the night is not how anyone else would have and telling another of the people involved's mother. . . I don't see how that would help you (or her); it would, I think, wreck whatever friendship you now are able to still have (it is hard to have the knowledge you do and not share it) but, it was her son involved, not her so I don't see how wrecking her life is germane?

[Perna]

If you want to keep trying to work with this T, tell him you are not going to talk to your friend now, that you don't agree that there is only one path to healing on this issue but that you won't discard the possibility of ever talking to her. Let T know that the argument on this subject is "closed" for the moment and work on some thing or some "where" else in your life.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, Perna, for your thoughtful and detailed response....

I'm sorry you experienced something similar with your T - but glad that you had another T address it with your T.

I am getting ready to leave for my session and have a lot to think about, to figure out how best to address this. What's pressing at me is being honest with him....telling T that I am struggling with this, but that I am frustrated that I don't feel I can share or work through this with him because of him pushing me to do what I won't do and don't agree with....and how he is not being open to helping me in other ways to heal from this.

Better to address this with him now before investing any more time/effort down a useless path.....If I have to find another T to help me, then so be it....as much as it hurts to know that I would have to leave my T who I know cares about me and has been so helpful to me in many other ways.

*sigh*

[Sannah]

I'm not so sure why you need to tell your friend? Her son is an adult.

[Fartraveler]

Hi MUE,

I agree with the others -- your T shouldn't push you into a situation that you feel (with good reason) will make you and your daughter physically unsafe. It's weird that he's doing that. Does he have some issue of his own around it? Does he not believe you when you say it's unsafe? Guys don't always get that, I think.

Anyway, definitely trust your instincts on this one.

-Far

[granite1]

MUE i know this whole situation must be so hard for you and i dont really have any answers to how to deal with you T over this issue.this is your experiance to deal with in the way that you feel comfortable with.i understand whare your T is comming from with wanting you to tell your friend but that cant be rushed and needs to be on your time if at all.
i just want to share a somewhat simmilar situation although all are differnt.
my brother and i were SA for years by the mothers BF son and when the mother found out she refused to confront this boys mother because it was her friend and she didnt want to ddestroy her friendship i guess.IDK but i do know that this woman was invited to my wedding by the mother and is also still forced into my life here and thare b ythe mother.i am forced to confront what happened to me everytime she is around me knowing i cant say anything.so i can see why your T thinks this may be the way to go but at the same time i soo know and feel all the issues surrounding this situation and it needs to be you who works through it in your way and timehowever this works out you are in my thoughts

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks everyone!!

It seems as though my T took a step back...and now we are at the assessing stage of what is keeping me from feeling at peace. I am wondering if once we get through this stage, whether or not I will feel differently about how to handle it. We'll see. I hope that we don't butt heads again on this, with T trying to force me to handle it only one way.

Granite - Thanks for sharing this. I'm sorry you can relate so well, and I am sure that this is exactly why T is pushing for me to confront this - because ultimately, I am affected by it with my continued relationship with my friend. Many times, I don't even think about it - and when I do, I make excuses in my mind to make it not such a big deal - defense mechanisms, self-protection, etc. I guess....Nothing new to me. *sigh*...I can see why T would feel that it is unhealthy....but I also know that he can't possibly understand the dynamic well enough to get the gist of the dangers...

[Oceanwave]

"Oh, mixedup, I'm so sorry you're caught in such a place. I had a T pushing me to do something I did not believe was possible/necessary/what I wanted to do and threatening to not seem me anymore if I didn't do it. I was so upset it came out in group and my more senior, wiser group leader called my T and told him he was wrong and to back off. Do you have one of your group T's you could confide in who might help you see things "differently" (in case they have another way of explaining your T's point of view so you might agree with it more or would be willing to talk to your T about how you are caught like my T did)."

On the other hand, bear in mind that what your friend's son did, if i understand it correctly (forcing you to have sex with him, right?) is a legally punishable offence. That guy should be in gaol and not continue living next door to you happily ever after. Perhaps the best thing to do for the sake of your own and your daughter's safety really is to put this guy where he belongs. How do you know, he will be doing the same thing to your daughter, or other women in the neighbourhood, in a few years' time. How do you know if right now you are the only victim or he's done this to others too? That guy should not be at large, because he is a criminal. I see the rationale in what your T is trying to achieve.