[suzzie]

Got an email from T yesterday and a part of it is bugging me. It says: Part of what your are experiencing............is perfectly reasonable. But it doesnt mention anything about what the other part would be. What does it mean. That the other part is not reasonable. That is what I get from it. That I am not thinking reasonably. Now Im not sure about going to the next appointment. It might not be good. Im worried what this email is implying and if something is going to be addressed then. I am really afraid of discussing feelings in T. I dont want to do it. I shouldnt have emailed to T, but it was part of some journaling homework and T would have seen it eventually anyway I guess.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by suzzie

What does it mean.

You could guess all day and not really know for sure. The way to know what your T meant is to go to therapy and ask him. It could be what you are thinking he meant is worse than what he really meant. I hope you will go to therapy.

It's interesting that you are afraid of discussing your feelings in therapy but yet you share your journal. I think you are very brave to share your journal! I could never do that with my T, even though we get along very well. My journal is full of private stuff with no censoring. When my T and I discuss my feelings, it may be hard, but he still doesn't get to know every thought that may flit through my brain, whereas my journal may contain those. I think you are very brave indeed....

[suzzie]

hi sunrise, I guess I didnt explain it well enough. The journaling is fairly new. My T has not yet actually seen it. The last time, which was the first time I was asked to journal and we would share it. I sent part of it by email to see if I was doing it right. And at the next appointments it was never asked for so threw it out. Now this time I was asked to journal again and share. Im not sure if Ill get out of it this time or not. But that wasnt why I emailed it. I just wanted to try and do what the T wanted and to do it right. Also I wanted to sort of ease into the idea of sharing the journal by emailing a part of it first. Now I am not comfortable at all with what I sent and I dont want to discuss it. It is so easy to make this wrong choice with email. It doesnt seem as real when I am doing it, until I get an email back and realize what I have done. As for the journal it self I do sensor it alot because I know someone else will see it. But I think I even sensor from myself too. It is a wonder I write anything in it. It is so hard. I have to research the internet and stuff before I can attempt it. I am not the type that can just sit down and write. I need to see examples, explanations, visuals, etc. To be honest I dont like to journal I just do it for T. So I guess Im not really brave or sharing anything too private like you thought. Sorry for misleading you.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by suzzie

As for the journal it self I do sensor it alot because I know someone else will see it.

Thanks for explaining. I understand better now about your journaling. I think I might censor some too if I knew what I wrote wasn't going to be private.

Originally Posted by suzzie

It is a wonder I write anything in it. It is so hard. I have to research the internet and stuff before I can attempt it. I am not the type that can just sit down and write.

With practice, maybe it will get easier. It's OK to do some research first if it helps you make progress. Keep going with it! I have found journaling really helpful. If it turns out you write something too personal to share with your T, you can keep that part for yourself.

Good luck at your next appointment--hope you get the answer to your question.

(((((((((((suzzie))))))))))))

Sometimes my T will tell me how normal what I'm feeling is...that the way I react to touch makes sense for someone with my history, that it makes sense that fears about the T relationship would come up as we increase the time between appointments, etc. It's helpful to me, because all I know is what is in my own head, and all I know is my own experience, so I tend to think "oh my gosh, I'm so crazy" when really, anyone would be having the same reactions, and I'm actually "so sane".

I wonder if your T was trying to do that for you? To be reassuring, by letting you know that your feelings make sense. Can you hang on to that, and ask about the other part in session?

I e-mail with my T too, and while I appreciate it and think it can be really helpful, sometimes it does create stress, since I might be left hanging with a question (like you are right now). I'm sorry you're in that place!

[Perna]

All of what you are experiencing is your experience and valid as that. However, not all of one's experience is understandable, at first glance, by another. I would say that your T is saying that part of what you have said corresponds to what she sees as making sense in light of what she knows of you and your background/experience.

In other words, if I were to tell you, "I feel horrible because my mother says she loves me but feel better when I write about it in my journal," you could say, "part of what your are experiencing............is perfectly reasonable." because you know, from your experience (or education) that writing in a journal can often make what is going on a situation more clear and understandable to the journal writer but you'd be hard pressed to say that feeling horrible because my mother said she loves me is "reasonable" at this time, until I explain it better to you.

However, it may also be that feeling horrible because my mother said she loves me -- there's nothing I have said or done that I can remember that may have displeased my mother so feeling horrible is not "reasonable" (like laughing at a funeral) in the situation. It's not a "flaw", I feel what I feel, but how I have learned what "horrible" feels like and when/what to associate it to might be off or I might have learned the wrong word, etc. YOU and what you feel are terrific! But what you have learned through your experiences might not be "correct"/"reasonable" (you associate the sky's color with fuchsia, for example :-)

[suzzie]

Thanks treehouse, I think you might be right that T was trying to be reassuring. I think my T allows the emails because I dont talk much at all in session.

Perna, you make a good point too. Thank you.

I am feeling better about the appointment now. I think I way over reacted and read too much into it.

[mixedup_emotions]

I'm glad you're feeling better about it, Suzzie....It's hard not to be critical of emails that we get from T, because there's a chance that we can misinterpret it....which is why my T doesn't like to do therapy by email. I try to keep that in mind when he does respond to my emails in writing.