[feary]

I went to the psych ER and they sent me home saying that I have the option of being inpatient if I choose (which I should have done but they said they will MAKE me take medication and medication hates me and ruins me further), or they said I need to continue therapy and do yoga/meditation.

I have been very frantically terrified and panicky so sending my T desperate emails sayig I will never recover and she wrote me this:

"We will talk tomorrow. You are going to have to make some hard choices to help yourself. I know some of them were discussed yesterday at the hospital. Please do not talk about being saved. No one can help you unless you cooperate."

She scares me, everything scares me, I cannot live this life

no one understands that I just cannot cope with being divorced and shared custody even though I mention it a million times

and I CANNOT help myself anymore because I am terrified of dying and aging and I KNOW I will never be able to live normally because my kids were separated from me half the time

I REALLY am TOO weak and terrified to move to try anything to help myself

[jexa]

feary I don't know what to say. This is really. really. really. hard. All I can do is say I'm listening, I'm here, and you can do this. You're at this point where you're so afraid of dying, you're not living. There is hope to get you out of this place.

[darkrunner]

Hi Feary,

Your T's email did sound stern, but it also sounds like you need some 'stern-ness' right now, like maybe you are so scared and overwhelmed that you can't think quite clearly and may need someone to help you make decisions that are in your best interest, for your well-being.

Sometimes we get to the point at which are problems are too big for our coping skills (I know it's happened to me) - and IP can be a good place to get back on the right track.
Take care of yourself, ok?

[feary]

I cannot go inpatient

my kids need me

I have to get better fast miraculously

they don't deserve me to be this way

I do try soo hard I do

I do

I haven't missed a single activity or anything for the kids

I do take care of them but I am horribly mentally

Originally Posted by feary

I have to get better fast miraculously

I do try soo hard I do

I do

((((((((((((feary))))))))))))))

I wish that there was a way to get better as quickly as we want to. Sometimes it feels like the process takes sooooooooooooo long, and it can be so frustrating.

Sometimes we do have to make some really hard choices. Choosing to go to therapy was a really difficult choice for me. I needed to ask friends to babysit my kids, I needed to spend money we really don't have, I needed to talk about things from my past that I'd never talked about before. Trying hard wasn't working anymore, and I had to do something different.

This winter, even with therapy, I was stuck in such a dark place, and nothing was helping. I really really really tried, but I couldn't pull myself out. I finally had to make the choice to take a medication. I HATED the idea of doing it, and it really really scared me to do it, but I did it because I had to. Taking it helped me get to a point where I could start moving forward again.

I'm sorry you're in such a hard, hard place. I hope everything goes well with T tomorrow. Can you try to stay open to the things she suggests? Sometimes when we're in such a hard place, it's hard to see clearly what our next step should be, and we need a little help figuring it out.

to you

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by feary

I REALLY am TOO weak and terrified to move to try anything to help myself

I do so understand how you feel right then when you wrote that statement. It is unfortunate for both of us to know that place.

I'm going to tell you something - you may chose to ignore it if you wish.

Others have walked the path you are on right now. Trust me when I say "this will pass". Your situation may not, but the way you feel will pass. All will be well.

Others have trod this path and left lightposts along the way. You are at one. Look at it.

When you feel like you can't help yourself, it is time to let others help you and walk with you.

And remember, this will pass. You will right yourself. There is ground under your feet. Reach down and touch it.

Go for help tomorrow. Reach out for it and look for those lightposts. They light the way out of grief, sorrow and hoplessness.

You can walk that path, you do not have to do it alone. You can save yourself.

[WePow]

(((((Feary)))))

It sounds like you keep pushing the fear down inside - trying to make it go away.
But that is just making it worse...
Have you tried to give yourself permission to feel that fear?
It has a right to be there. You have the right to feel what you feel.
You know you have been there for your children, and you will do what is right.
So why not honor those feelings rather than keep fighting with them?

Maybe you can set aside 30 min or 1 hour of time and go into a private place and just BE with those emotions? Experience them fully! Let them flood you. Let your mind race and your heart race and just let them be. Do not fight them at all! Just let them be what they are. And you - just watch silently how move like waves over you?

The only reason I suggest this is because that was the ONLY way I was able to process my heavy trauma work. The harder I fought, the more the emotions won and interfered with the time I had for work or family. So by allowing them some time of their own, something very special happened. I can't describe it. I can only say that if you are brave enough to allow them to be very real, that something does change inside. And something healthy does come out of it as a result.

[feary]

Thank you so much everyone.

I don't understand why such amazing people on here who are so caring and helpful to others are going through difficult times. It isn't right.

I know T is going to get mad at me. She always does. and tell me that I need to stop being a baby and I need to go inpatient and I need to force myself to do more, etc.

I wish I could find another T because although she does care about me, she makes me feel awful and she knows so much about me that to find someone else at this point would be starting over

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by feary

I cannot go inpatient

my kids need me

I have to get better fast miraculously

they don't deserve me to be this way

I do try soo hard I do

I do

I haven't missed a single activity or anything for the kids

I do take care of them but I am horribly mentally

Activities are not important. Your kids need a sturdy, emotionally healthy parent. You do what you have to, to make that happen.

Your "cannot" statements sound like "will not" statements. I think it is because you don't yet see that you do have what it takes to make the changes you want in your life. It takes openning up to the idea and to the idea of letting others in to help you because you are stuck where you are and you see nowhere to go that might be better or helpful. It is time to open up to the idea that others do know, that while they are not you and do not share your exact experience because we are all separate people with separate internal experiences, we do share commonalities. You have opportunities at hand, by way of the hospital treatment and outpatient treatment. Take advantage of them with an open mind and an open heart. Your fear is keeping you locked up and stuck. Go forward in spite of your fear, in spite of the fact that it seems to make no sense to trust and try. Do it so your kids have a healthy parent who can be there emotionally for them. Do it because you have contacted the places and people for help, knowing they have expertise and experience, and even if your fear says no, you can do it anyway. It is up to only you. And you have what it takes to do it. The fierceness of your fear is great, and that same fierceness can be called upon to help you in your commitment to accepting the help that is right there before you.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by feary

"...You are going to have to make some hard choices to help yourself."

and I CANNOT help myself anymore because I am terrified of dying and aging and I KNOW I will never be able to live normally because my kids were separated from me half the time

I REALLY am TOO weak and terrified to move to try anything to help myself

Feary, it is up to you to get better. No one can do it for you. You seem so convinced of your powerlessness. You are not powerless.

[mixedup_emotions]

Feary, how are you? (( HUGS ))