I totally freaked at group T last night...

T responded that he filled my appt. Whew.

ACK. I am totally bombarding my T with emails all of a sudden. And I don't know what's driving it....

I just sent him a one-liner message asking, "Are you angry at me?".....

Blech. I feel awful right now. I just keep imagining that I deserve to be locked in a cage with that muzzle like a wild rabid animal.

MUE STOP THAT. You will find enough people in life to call you names and sell you short. Don't you fall for doing it yourself. you are a feeling, devoted mother who has been pushed hard and yes, some of the group (and group T) stuff was prettty darned harsh IMO, not that I know anything about group dynamics. Please be gentle with yourself.

((((((((((((( MUE )))))))))))))

Sounds like you are seeking reassurance that everything is OK between you two. You did have that instance where you said you were going to do something he didn't agree with and he threatened to terminate you, so perhaps your need for reassurance is related to that. I know you and he worked through that, but perhaps some insecurity remains? I am sure your T can handle your being angry in the group session. I don't think he would be angry at you for that. Even if he makes comments in the group blog that seem sympathetic to the group member who cried, it doesn't mean he is angry at you.

Thanks, SAWE.....

I'm just having trouble right now. I'd like to think that I am a kind, supportive, caring person....dedicated mother and hard worker.....but there's something so wrong here. Like there's this evil hate inside of me. I don't know what's real anymore or who I really am.....

Yes, that is what I need. Some reassurance. I'm not getting it though. *sigh*....T said he is not angry, just concerned. That he imagines that I have an awful lot going on inside but that he can't be of help to me unless I come in. I know that's true, but....UGH.

I feel a need to take a HUGE step away from it all....but that's running from it...I know. I am waiting for the notes to be posted on the weekly blog...and will wait to see if anyone posts....I know some of the group members are really angry, upset and disappointed with me....And I'm angry about that. Angry....yet disappointed and ashamed.

I really shouldn't be allowed on the streets in this world...

At my last session, I lost sight of this too. T reminded me of who I am and what I believe and who the person he knows me to be is. It was really helpful. Maybe your T could do that for you?

I am glad he responded and shared his concern and let you know he isn't angry. Isn't that a little reassuring? What do you need from T to be reassured?

I would love to see you be fierce about what you believe and your right to be angry. What if you went to the next group and didn't mention a thing about what happened? What if you were content with your expression of emotion at the last meeting? If they ask you about it, you could explain briefly that you were angry and why. If they can't accept it, whose problem is that? Be fierce. You have a right to your feelings. If other group members are angry, upset, or disappointed with you, that is their right. But you have a right to your feelings too.

Sending a lot of hearts....

Thanks, sunrise....

I don't really know what I need from my T to feel reassured. I just wonder if he feels one thing personally - but expresses something else professionally.

About being fierce and believing in my right to be angry....I feel uncomfortable with that idea. Especially since so many others were unhappy with how I was. I'm sure that if I attended the next group session and didn't say a thing about it, it would be really, really awkward - until someone addressed it....and it probably would end up being a ME-bashing session unless I apologized for my behavior. I don't even remember all of what I said.

I know you're right. Their feelings are theirs to own. And my feelings are mine to own. But, that doesn't mean that people aren't affected by what others feel.

Even though I believe I expressed my truth, I just want to run and hide.

Still waiting for the notes to be posted on the blog....I hate the waiting game....

((((((((((( mu ))))))))))))))))

((((((((((MUE))))))))))

I guess the trick is to be honest about your feelings but yet not damage others in the process. I'm not saying you did damage anyone, but I sense a desire to be authentic but not hurt people. Perhaps that is a puzzle you could pose to the group. How could you express your very legitimate feelings without hurting the woman who cried?

When hurt comes out it isn't pretty. All of you in this group are hurting. All of the hurts were coming out. This is what happens. There isn't a pretty way to do it. You are not a bad person because you have hurt inside of you. You have to let the hurt out.

You all can learn something about this, really, if you keep working it I swear it is guaranteed (when it is worked out in a healthy environment).

I guess you don't trust this process MUE because of what you have experienced? Growing up in your family you probably never saw anything worked out correctly? I know that this was the experience in my family. No one had the skills to work these things out. These skills can be learned and you are so capable of learning this.

Thanks, sunrise.....You're right. In retrospect, if I would've shared my feelings as I had them during the session instead of bottling them out until they exploded out, perhaps I would've behaved in a less attacking way. I know that her sarcasm was a big trigger for me...and it needs to be explored, as uncomfortable as that is.

Very good!

Thanks, Sannah...

Indeed, I grew up in a house where there was a lot of screaming and hitting....and then when I was married, the arguments consisted of a bunch of yelling as well. Although it's what I'm accustomed to, I should know better....

Maybe intellectually you know better but emotionally you have to go through all the work to get there.