Friday and Fear.

2nd session back after summer break..its good to have someone to talk with and have help one with issues! I think I'm only starting to applicate that, before it was partly me going to get love and caring I never got growing up and not really touching on the issues alone if that makes sense, almost like an ulterior motive, not that I ever made stuff up, but always was more interested on engaging T on an emotional level rather than just talking through and working on the issue, not sure if that makes sense either, but today before I went I sat in my armchair and admitted to myself that I hoped when I begun therapy that therapy would take everything away, I realized today that thats not whats going to happen and its more about learning to live with the memory's, perhaps a gut level acceptance finally on my part which actually is the ignition to want to get to grips with the issues and not just engage T on the emotional level and be more concentrated on her response to me than for actual solutions, not sure if that makes sense either, I guess it was more the adult me that went to T today wanting to talk rather than the child me wanting to be soothed??

So fear, I feel I've lived with paralyzing fear all of my life and strange after reading some posts this week about T's forgetting stuff today I felt actually bombarded with T's remember stuff.

I begun telling her when I started sch I always felt everyone else was more powerful than me and getting through sch was like walking across an open field that was being shelled accept it was going on in my head, T then said was this before you met "s" (my childhood abuser) and I said I'm not sure I wasn't really scared of him I knew he was dangerous and T said yes like your mother, so you were drawn to what was familiar, then she said but when things that have happened that were scary you dealt with them like when the boiler in your home exploded and you managed to get to the front door through the boiling water and get help, I looked at her suddenly she'd mentioned "s" who I haven't talked about in a couple of yrs and the explosion which I hadn't talked about in even longer, then I said about the yr our home was mis targeted by friends of a guy in prison, they had the green door basement flat right but wrong one, there was another one in our street and this went on for a yr, bricks through my windows, life threatening mail and phone call and I said I get flashbacks to days when suddenly something new happened but don't remember feeling fear, T said no you split it off like you split it off with "s", and she said its not the fear that paralysis you, its the events and I think you struggle to sit with anticipation, these are events that would cause fear in anybody, I said but I dont remember my mother showing fear, and T said no because she wouldn't allow it in herself or you and you were told to take care of her when this stuff was going. I said I feel like a guard dog that was bought to protect my adoptive mother and i lived on full alert looking for incoming attacks that might harm her and live me completely alone, T said but actually you were already alone with this.

Plenty to think about today, I'm glad I brought the subject back up with her again, anger and fear I find are everending and always feel she must be bored or frustrated with me but today she said I think its your own frustration you are feeling.

I'm still not sure how I feel yet about this, surprised that she brought up so much stuff thats not been talked about for a long time, I guess I liked that, its good to know someone takes you seriously, perhaps she was waiting for me to bring my fear to her before she brought it up? I dunno, but I was ready to talk about it more today, and in a more adult mind mode rather than the me falling to pieces mode.

Hopefully this will begin to sink in and my fear will become or feel at least more manageable.

((((((Melba )))))))))