[granite1]

so i didnt do art yesterday.i guess i hve to speak when she asks if i want to do that now. but i couldnt i couldnt move .gee what a stinking surprise.so i couldnt do art i just sat thare.and it didnt really feel like my T was with me at all either she just didnt seem all that invested in staying with me at all.right now i am just so hopeless and feeling like whatever it is what it is and so be it.why should anyone give a crap anyway.i guess im having a good enough pitty party for myself today but i just so badly wanted my T back and it just didnt happen.i wanted to feel great and it just didnt happen .i wanted to do art and it just didnt happen,i wanted to feel cared about and it just didnt happen,i dont know what to do i really feel like she hates me and do i really want to keep going .i'mnever going to talk to her i know it and i feel today that as miserable as i am this is who i am and i'm never going to be anything else.just broken.

[Sannah]

Granite, I'm sorry that you didn't get what you needed. Getting what you need is in your hands granite. Your T can't help you unless you interact with her. You wanted to connect with her but without you doing any connecting?

I have to agree with Sannah here. Granite, your therapy is in your hands. You are going to have to interact with your t if you are ever going to get anything you need out of therapy. I know that seems like an overwhelming order right now, but without interacting, you are laying the whole responsibility for your therapy on your t, and personally, I've always found that therapy is a two-way street. Give and take, so to speak. If you just sit there and don't interact, your t is at a huge disadvantage in trying to interact and connect with you. She's taken the 1st, 5th, and 100th steps; you're going to have to take steps towards her now.

[granite1]

i tried to connect with her sannah i really did my head was so screaming everything going on so out of controle the whole time i was so frustrated and angry for not saying the simple things like YES.I just cant do it

[Sannah]

Granite, I know you so wanted to connect with her and I know you didn't connect with her because you weren't trying. I really believe this.

Do you want to talk more about what was being screamed in your head? If you talk about it, it might help you make sense of it all and possibly clear some of it.

[granite1]

when she would ask me something like how i was feeling on a scale from1-10 10 being best how did i think i was doing.i couldnt answer.the thing is i didnt know, i was spinning with a bunch of thngs in my head like why dont i know ?i should know, i suck, i am forever broken she hates me i cant let her know that.why would she care time to get out of here,she doesnt want to work with me,i cant do this.god i;m pathetic,just dont say a word,what was the question anyway i hope she dont ask me to answer it and to tell her what the question is.etc..... get the idea and through all this i cant open my mouth.

You are doing a lot of mind reading here, saying she doesn't like you, she doesn't want to work with you. Don't do that to yourself.

[granite1]

at one point she asked me what i am feeling right at this point(i guess a frowned)i was able to say" not much"it didnt even sound like my voice at all and that really scared me and didnt want to say anymore.she brought out this board with differnt feeling faces on it and asked me about each one if that may be something i was feeling.i was totally overwelmed with this and i wanted to tell her to just stop but i just checked out more.untill she finely said i guess we have run out of answers.

[granite1]

in the end all i really wanted to do was art .but i wonder if that is even good for me .i wonder if if just doing it as a new way and easier way to avoid interacting with her.she does just let me draw without asking me to much.it is only the things that she does that bother me like her pictures and words.i kind of dont like that at the end of the sesson.

[Sannah]

No wonder you can't talk to your T granite, there isn't time with all that conversation going on in your head.

[deliquesce]

oh gosh, granite, i wish i could give you a hug (or whatever else would help you feel that you're ok, just as you are). i relate SOOOOO much to having so many thoughts that you lose them and get worked up and all the while feeling paralysed to even open your mouth. gosh, i've had a fair few sessions like that. and then hating yourself afterwards because you feel like you're wasting everyone's time....

i think the art thing is a wonderful idea. a place for you to just be with T and let things get a little bit safe. pdoc often tells me stories when i get into that headspace and it's nice to just be able to interact without feeling so much pressure to perform. i just get to sit back and listen to him and he doesn't mind if i don't reply. i think the art thing could be really important in helping you build some safety with T, just like the stories help me feel safe with pdoc. it took me such a long, long time before i was able to start telling pdoc stuff (over 2 years!) - until then we just did yes/no questions, and maybe talked about uni deadlines and stuff. nothing really "important".

i think you're being so brave by just continuing to see this T. i can only imagine how difficult it is for you to put pressure on yourself each week and feel all of those thoughts rushing through your head and feeling like you just can't talk. it's overwhelming, and exhausting.

do you do art between sessions? maybe next time you could bring in something you've already started and then keeping working on it during the session? i don't really know how the art thing works because i've never done it, but i'm just trying to figure out how you can do something which feels safe with T where you don't need to push yourself to initiate it. something easy you can slide into...? do you have any ideas on something a bit easier you feel could work?

[granite1]

i want to ask her if she feels i even belong thare but i'm scared of the answer.i dont want her to tell me she cant help me.so i still go every week when she is around and wate for maybe some time ill just feel ok enough to talk to her.but am getting pritty discurraged that thay day will come and i dont want her to agree with that

[granite1]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

oh gosh, granite, i wish i could give you a hug (or whatever else would help you feel that you're ok, just as you are). i relate SOOOOO much to having so many thoughts that you lose them and get worked up and all the while feeling paralysed to even open your mouth. gosh, i've had a fair few sessions like that. and then hating yourself afterwards because you feel like you're wasting everyone's time....

i think the art thing is a wonderful idea. a place for you to just be with T and let things get a little bit safe. pdoc often tells me stories when i get into that headspace and it's nice to just be able to interact without feeling so much pressure to perform. i just get to sit back and listen to him and he doesn't mind if i don't reply. i think the art thing could be really important in helping you build some safety with T, just like the stories help me feel safe with pdoc. it took me such a long, long time before i was able to start telling pdoc stuff (over 2 years!) - until then we just did yes/no questions, and maybe talked about uni deadlines and stuff. nothing really "important".

i think you're being so brave by just continuing to see this T. i can only imagine how difficult it is for you to put pressure on yourself each week and feel all of those thoughts rushing through your head and feeling like you just can't talk. it's overwhelming, and exhausting.

do you do art between sessions? maybe next time you could bring in something you've already started and then keeping working on it during the session? i don't really know how the art thing works because i've never done it, but i'm just trying to figure out how you can do something which feels safe with T where you don't need to push yourself to initiate it. something easy you can slide into...? do you have any ideas on something a bit easier you feel could work?

my T has done art with me a few times and we were supose to do it yesterday but i couldnt answer her when she asked me if i wanted to.i do love doing the art with her though

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by granite1

i want to ask her if she feels i even belong thare

but i'm scared of the answer.

i dont want her to tell me she cant help me.

What is the likelihood that she is going to tell you that you don't belong there and that she can't help you (if you ask her these things)? If you asked her these things should would probably be hopeful that you are opening up to her.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

What is the likelihood that she is going to tell you that you don't belong there and that she can't help you (if you ask her these things)? If you asked her these things should would probably be hopeful that you are opening up to her.

i think it is a huge possibility that she would say that she feels i could work better with someone else.not sure if she get it that i think it would be the same with any T and has been in the past.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by granite1

i think it is a huge possibility that she would say that she feels i could work better with someone else.

not sure if she get it that i think it would be the same with any T and has been in the past.

Maybe this is your thought then and you are projecting it onto her?

[deliquesce]

can you let yourself trust your T to bring it up if she thinks it's necessary?
in the meantime you're doing hard work just by showing up, and i think that's a huge achievement you should give yourself credit for.

next time she asks if you want to do art, do you think you could just nod your head? would that be easier than having to speak?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Maybe this is your thought then and you are projecting it onto her?

do you think maybe it is time to try someone else?.i saw a T for three months before i started seeing this T.it was the same thing.he gave me what seemed to be a choice i needed to make.he said i could keep comming here and talk and maybe get some help or i could come here and not talk if that was what i needed to do,or i could decide to not come back.i decided to not go back and started seeing this T.i fear it would be the same.maybe i should try again but atleast this T hasnt told me to leave yet.but i havnt asked he yet either

[Sannah]

What are the odds that the same thing would happen again with another T?

[WikidPissah]

(((granite))) It's so damn hard, I know. Not being able to talk is debilitating. The noise and screaming in your head, the "checking out", the numbness. It all feels freakin uncontrollable. I wish I knew how to help you...what to say to make it better.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

can you let yourself trust your T to bring it up if she thinks it's necessary?
in the meantime you're doing hard work just by showing up, and i think that's a huge achievement you should give yourself credit for.

next time she asks if you want to do art, do you think you could just nod your head? would that be easier than having to speak?

the funny thing is i thought i did nod my head but i guess i didnt or she didnt see me.or wanted me to say yes.in the past i have really been trying to atleast be able to say yes or no but it dont always work and i guess yesterday was a day it wasnt going to happen.god the word yes just seems like it should be so simple dont it?

[deliquesce]

hey, next session is another day. yesterday is in the past now - if you've been able to do it (nod/say yes/talk) before then you'll be able to do it again.

just one step at a time, granite. 3 months is only 12hrs of therapy sessions, you know. it took me two years before i could really tell pdoc what was going on. i'm so glad he stuck with me all that time, because i'd gone to so many (maybe 6?) psychologists before and had the same problem opening up with them.

i've been seeing pdoc for 5yrs now and sometimes i still have one of those days where saying 'yes' is just the most difficult, impossible thing to do. but now it'll happen only for one session maybe, and we can have really good sessions in between.

just give yourself the gift of time, granite. it sounds like this T is prepared to go with you at your pace. you're doing all the hard work that you can possibly do right now. just stick with it and keep soldiering on. it takes a lot of effort to keep going back like you're doing, and i'm proud of you at least .

[rainbow8]

I'm so sorry, granite, that your session wasn't good. Can you write a note that you want to do art therapy and give it to T? I understand that she wants you to talk, but she is not a mind reader. I think the more she's pushing you, or just waiting, the more you're pulling away. It almost seems like a power struggle. If the art would be good for you, just tell her in any way you can. Won't she accept that?

Maybe a different t would be better. Someone who didn't wait for you to talk, but went ahead and did things anyway. Or who let you write what you can't say.

I just wish you could feel better about therapy and not be disappointed because I know how hard it is to talk, and how frustrated you are, and how you seem to be stuck. Maybe someone else would have a different approach with you????

[geez]

(((granite))) is part of the problem 1) You have a lot of thoughts that you can't grab and send through your vocal cords - mind is racing 2) You are testing your T by being consistent in pushing T away - seeing what T's breaking point is before rejecting you - you don't trust T 3) You don't feel deserving of T's attention 4) You want your T to value you unconditionally - something you have had missing in your life. - your testing to see if the unconditional part really exists with T?

Can you share any of what you wrote on PC with your T? - just print and bring a copy with you to your appt. and hand to T.

Hope this isn't coming across with a harsh tone. Just trying to help.

[skeksi]

granite, I have those horrible conversations in my head, too. I find that when I start working on something new and hard with T, I spend WEEKS in that silent "I want to talk/I am terrified to talk" state. Working through that with T is painful, and it usually goes one sentence per session at a time initially, but you can get through this. The only way out is through.