*trigger* for lots of sex talk.

Well, here's a huge, embarrassing thing I think I'll just throw anonymously out into pc-land....

I (obviously) have all kinds of issues around sex. CSA and a later SA definitely took their toll on me.

When I was in high school, I dated a gay guy. Everyone, including me, knew he was gay, and that was perfect for me. All of the fun, none of the fear.

Now I've been married for years, and sex is STILL an issue for me. I don't want H to *know* it's an issue, so I kind of roll with it, but inside, I really really really really struggle

Here's the thing. There are times when *I* want to have sex, but I can NOT allow myself to initiate. I've never known what that was about, but that's just how it is. Since I've started therapy, I've wondered about it more and more. I've always thought it's because it makes me seem vulnerable. This morning, because of where we got to in therapy this week, I started wondering if it's because it makes me seem BAD. When I realized that what was happening as a child was wrong, I immediately realized I was BAD, and that that's why my mom beat me and called me names and hated me. It feels true SO. DEEP. DOWN.

Here's the icky part. When I am with T, I have no attraction for him. The thought of anything sexual actually happening between us gives me the heebie jeebies. I have literally NO interest in anything ever actually happening, and I know nothing will, and I'm grateful for that trust and safety and those boundaries.

BUT. When I want to initiate sex with H, if I imagine he's T, I CAN MAKE MYSELF DO IT. WTF?!?!?! It feels so wrong, and I don't know what it's about. In my mind, it's more like I'm not me - I'm T's wife, he's T, and it's all okay. blah.

Is it because T is so so so so so safe? is it because I know T would never be married to someone bad so if i'm her, it's okay? or, is it because T is an older, male authority figure, and that's who I was "trained" to have sex with, so as creepy as it is, it feels "right"? Ugh.

UGH!

I feel gross. And this totally TOTALLY feels big and something I should talk about with T, because I know it points to something important. But how would I walk in there and open my mouth and say it?

i feel like the worst person in the world. Blah.

[WePow]

((((( Tree ))))))) I think you are having a very natural response right now. If it makes you feel any better, I am gay but have sex issues - but when my S/O wants to do anything since I started my therapy (the sex was only about once a year and only if I was drinking!) - well, I also found that the image of my T will enter my mind and I am suddenly "ok" to perform. I also thought WTF !!!! I thought I was VERY wrong for thinking that. But T said it is an emotional safety thing. I am very safe with my T. I do not feel safe with anyone else in the universe - even my S/O. So that image is my mind saying "I know you want to do this - but you do not feel safe - so here is someone to think about who IS safe to think about."

Talk with T about it if you can. I bet your T will say about the same thing mine did :-)

You're not the worst person in the world. You're NOT bad or anything like that. I think what you're describing is pretty normal for someone who has been through that stuff. Talking about it in therapy will help. Will be hard, but helpful.

Whoa. I don't know where my brain is going with this, but i am getting mad at T. Even though he is innocently off doing whatever it is he does on Sunday.

I keep wondering if he's ever been aroused by what we've talked about in session. And it makes me super super super super angry. My thoughts are getting REALLY twisted up about all of this.

I took 1 1/2 klonopin. I don't know what to do. I guess just sit with it and know it will change. Hopefully soon.

[rainbow8]

tree, I can't comment specifically about your situation, but I know how sexual issues get SO confused in therapy. I'm not gay, yet I get aroused by my Ts. I don't want sex with them!!! You'd think T was a guy the way I felt with that tapping on my hands/knees stuff. Talk about UGH!!!!!!

I do think it has to do with safety, and is normal--I mean your fantasizing. Because of everything that happened to you, it makes sense that you get confused. I don't think anything is WRONG or bad about any of the sexual feelings we get because of our therapy. It's inherent in the intimate relationship of therapy to get love and sex and safety and all those good feelings sort of mixed up in our minds, and that carries over, of course, to our life outside of therapy.

I'm not sure I know what I'm talking about, but it's the way I feel, and from past experiences and from what my Ts have told me, I think it's accurate. So, try not to worry about it. And, as with everything else, T will relieve you of your concerns if you can tell him.

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I took 1 1/2 klonopin. I don't know what to do. I guess just sit with it and know it will change. Hopefully soon.

Please share it with T. This looks very complex and worth exploring, and I know that he will deal with this like any other issue if you let him. Please relax those judgments and your mind will be free to look at it objectively and see what's underneath the surface. It could be something very important that your body and mind are trying to tell you.

[Melbadaze]

Oedipus comes to mind, what if your H plays the role of your mother to be "murdered" with fantasizes of the father "T" perhaps?

[WikidPissah]

Thanks for putting this out there Tree...I can't really comment other then to say that I have huge sex issues myself, and I know how freaky and complex this crap can get in your head. I want to say your NOT bad. Lots of women fantasize to get thru sex.

[googley]

((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))))

I don't really have anything to say. But I just wanted to say I am here and support you. You are okay.

Been there. Done that.

I also have a history of CSA. I often would have "fantasies" about T when intimate with H. I constantly worried about possibly saying T's name, and felt a tremendous amount of guilt and shame, as a result. There is much more, ALL of which I did discuss with my T.

I think you should discuss it with your T. From what you have written about him, I believe he will handle your conversation with great care, compassion and respect and help you understand the *true" meaning behind your thoughts.

In the meantime, don't be so hard on yourself.

i sent my post to t

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((((((((((((Treehouse))))))))))))))))))))))
You are very brave and I know that T will respond in a way that makes you feel better. Did you ask for a response?

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by treehouse

i sent my post to t

Hi treehouse,

Well done letting him know. But be prepared that he might want to wait discussing this with you until the next session. After all, you hold the key to this, and you can only solve this together. He can't figure it out alone. Be kind to yourself in the meantime. You did well flagging this up to him, as now you won't be able to run away from it and avoid it...

Take care,

I did ask him to reply, just so i know he's out there adn I don't spiral out, but i know that we wont discuss it over email. i just had to throw it out there and it was the only way i knew how. i am pretty good at bringing stuff up in session, but that just feels impossible.

i expect him to say "i got your e-mail. it's okay. you're okay. we can talk about it in session." and that is fine, really.

[Oceanwave]

Good job, Treehouse. You really ARE fine, you are okay. And he WILL be okay with it too. You must be intrigued to find out what the underlying issue is. How wonderful is that! That IS great progress, for you to be ready to explore this!

[WikidPissah]

wow....you are freakin amazing Tree. so brave...so, so brave.

(((((tree)))))

Sending your post to T took a lot of courage. I agree with Oceanwave, T will probably want to wait to discuss this in person. Please be patient with yourself, and T, until your next session.

[WePow]

Tree, you are doing GREAT !!!! Keep on being honest and just roll with this.

[BlackCanary]

WOW!!! You are amazing. Plus what you write about your T, I think he's amazing too and he's going to be so helpful around this.
NO WAY would he be feeling aroused. It might trigger intense feelings in the heart but not in the other parts.
You know you will have to post to tell us the response next session, it will be what we wish we could hear, we all need this advice!

I did find that originalT would be in my mind at certain times when I needed intimate inspiration and a flood of positive emotion I definitely pulled the emotion across and applied it appropriately. Other times I had to keep the image or name of T in my mind
NEVER EVER told him this, never told H. H knew about my feelings for originalT, but not THAT.
I had this intense kiss fantasy about T which also led to massive guilt and shame (SUPER FUN). Because wanting to use that "skill" on my T made me BAD, it was the BAD girl trying to get his attention.

So, I'm in "obsessively checking e-mail every few minutes" mode. I know when T reads it he will send SOMETHING. Even "I got your e-mail, we'll talk on Tuesday" would be fine. Just not....silence and emptiness.

I'm knitting and knitting and knitting.

[googley]

(((((((Tree))))))

I'm so sorry he hasn't responded back. Keep in mind he might be out doing something today. Keep breathing. I have always found knitting helpful. Keep it up and you will have enough gifts for the holidays.

his response:

Just sit with it, let it be, don't hook into it. It is information that is there to help you heal. It is here for a reason and the reason is for your healing, not your destruction. Keep swimming.

I see him on Tuesday.

[sunrise]

Ahh, yes, the old "keep swimming" response.

No, seriously, tree, that is a lovely and reassuring response. You were very brave and your T knew how important it was to give just the right response.

[WePow]

((((((Tree))))))) I hope that response gave you some encouragement. You have a good T - he reminds me of a good coach :-) Soon you will see him!

[BlackCanary]

Originally Posted by treehouse

...It is information that is there to help you heal. It is here for a reason and the reason is for your healing, not your destruction. ...

Oh my, this is actual incredibly wonderful for me.
...the reason is for your healing, not your destruction....

I have beat myself up so much over these feelings!
My exT never knew to say this, to encourage me to re-plant the feelings and emotions back into my other relationships.