seeing my own patterns

So, here I am with T in a "new stage" of therapy.

I know things happen when they happen in therapy for a reason, and the push of October is finally bringing up the stuff I've not only never talked about, but I've never even kind of CONSIDERED talking about. Stuff that I thought I could just keep tucked away.

I guess (for me) healing doesn't happen that way. I don't get to pick and choose. I can't heal this trauma and not that trauma, and come out on the other side whole and integrated.

I have done enough trauma work with T for me to start clearly seeing my patterns now. I already know that I tend to want to create ruptures with T in the middle of trauma stuff - not on purpose, but in kind of an unconscious way - to give me something to focus on besides the trauma stuff. Now that I'm aware of that pattern, I try really hard to not do it.

Today, T left me a message and in the message, I felt like he was keeping me at arm's length, and just sort of saying "therapist stuff" - not really talking to *me*. And I realized that the other times we've done hard core trauma YUCK stuff, I've felt like T was keeping me at a distance. Like he doesn't care about me anymore, like he wishes I would go away, like he feels impatient with how hard this is for me. And BETWEEN the trauma stuff I don't feel like that at all. So. Maybe T ISN'T keeping me at a distance. Maybe he DOESN'T wish i would go away. maybe this is just MY OWN REACTION to working on trauma stuff.

At least I hope that's true.

I see him again TOMORROW. This is stupidly hard.

((((Tree))))

-Far

I totally appreciate how hard it is Tree, but you are barreling thru it. You are communicating, and you're seeing your patterns!! That is so freakin cool!!!

it IS hard, and you are really doing well. To see your own patterns Tree - that is growth!!!! you have to come up from the bottom, you have to get onto at least a little hill, to see any distance all, and you're doing it!!

proud of you sorry it's hard hang in there

(((((((((Tree)))))))))

It is amazing that you are seeing your own patterns and able to stop yourself from spiraling out. That is so awesome.

I do think it is easier to push away when doing trauma work and not want to be close to Ts. And then we project our desires onto them. So it is them wanting to push us away. I know the first time I talked about trauma related stuff I totally created a whole big rupture and she said it was totally normal and she completely understood. I wish I could see when it was happening so I could stop it, or at least slow it down.