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#1
Sep 21, 2010, 06:48 PM
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Well, this morning at work I was trying hard to be OK. Ended up with one incident a bit with a customer that should not have happened. Then the guys were telling me I was just like Calamity Jane in the Deadwood series. ((See how that makes you feel as a human knowing the world sees you like that.)) I was at lunch and trying to process the stuff along with flashback bits that were from integration of the alters - stuff they knew that I didn't know. I was not doing well inside and a part of my step is to email T. So I had to go back to my desk to do that. I had just finished emailing T and I was crying and think I was trying to split a little. One of the new guys who is a real jerk and a half decided to go run to HR and tattle on me. My manager is out of town and my T has been out of town. The lady in HR that was taking up for me pointed at me in the bathroom then walked out (she was on her cell - no doubt talking to my boss) and then I could not leave the bathroom at all - was locked inside (I do that in stress times). She came back after a few min and her face was hard with her hands on her hips and I felt yet once again "There goes another person turning against me that I thought I could trust - not even wanting to hear my side of the story." She finally listened to me and her face changed a little bit to be more kind - but she was still telling me I had to go home and blah blah that I couldn't disturb the workplace that way.
SORRY I HAD A FLASHBACK THAT MADE ME CRY AND NOT HAPPY DUDES! UUURRRRR !!! Anyway, I went home and finished my work day from home. My boss never called to check on me which means he is ticked - not that I care any longer anyway. But I did call T and left a msg only because HR told me I had to do so. So I did. T was not supposed to call back people until tonight but he called me. He will be back in town tonight for his group mtg. But he said he would see me tommorow and I told him we moved me to Thursday for the other client. He told me he would let me keep up with that. He just listened a bit to me and then said I sounded like I was safe. So that was it. Not sure why I am posting this. Anyway, that is my day. Thank you for listening. |
 gelfling
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#2
Sep 21, 2010, 07:03 PM
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(((we pow))) Thankfully you have your T. I remember having flashbacks at work...so hard. Hope you have a peaceful night, and a brighter day tomorrow.
__________________
never mind... |
| WePow
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#3
Sep 21, 2010, 09:03 PM
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wow, I'm so sorry, wepow.
 You are going through so much, just the process of healing is itself a daunting task, without having to deal with negative people in your life like that co-worker and the HR person, etc. That just makes the work you are doing that much harder. I wonder what they meant by you being like Calamity Jane? I love Deadwood, and Jane is one of my favorite characters on the show. She seems tough and rough but is a very deeply caring and generous person. She is also drunk a lot, lol. I just wonder which part they were referring to, or what came up for you when you heard that? I don't think of it as an insult at all to be compared to that character, for what it's worth.
__________________
She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went.
"It's easier to feel the sunlight without them," she said. ~Brian Andreas |
| WePow
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#4
Sep 21, 2010, 09:22 PM
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((((((WePow)))))))))) sounds like you handled things the best way you could, better than i would have! - thanks for posting this, i'm glad you decided to - from zoo's description of Jane seems like she is a deep and caring person - if a bit flawed
 but arent we all - sometimes the flaws are what gives us our beautyI have been struck by your honesty and your creativity WePow - you are amazing! |
| WePow
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#5
Sep 21, 2010, 10:28 PM
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(((((((((((WePow))))))))))
I'm so sorry you had such a hard day today. I'm sorry that persons felt he had to go and report to HR that you were having a hard time. I wish I could be there to give you a hug in person. But this will just have to do for now: I hope the regular HR person gets back so that you can have someone at work who supports you. I'm sorry your T has been gone. I know that makes it so much harder. You are so strong. Don't forget that!
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| WePow
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#6
Sep 22, 2010, 03:57 AM
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Sounds like you handled it really well WePow. Good work!
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| WePow
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#7
Sep 22, 2010, 06:03 AM
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I'm almost ready to go back into the office. I slept well last night - thanks to a pill though. When I woke up, I felt very calm and cold inside. Now my heart is starting to race a little. I have no clue what punishment I will have now when I go back into the office. If they fire me, what will I think? How will I feel? Another injustice in my life? Or would it be the kick I need to get me out of that situation?
All I can do is just take this one step at a time, but I am shaking in my boots. How do I protect myself and do what I need to do in this situation - when it really is out of my hands. I couldn't help it that I was in flashback mode... so it isn't like I could have done anything differently at the time. I was doing all my steps. I was not even upset about work stuff. It was trauma related. IDK. Well, it is off to see what life will be like for today anyway. |
| pachyderm
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#8
Sep 22, 2010, 06:07 AM
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good wishes We Pow!
__________________
never mind... |
| WePow
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#9
Sep 22, 2010, 06:36 AM
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I hope today goes well for you, ((((((((((wepow))))))))))))
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| WePow
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#10
Sep 22, 2010, 06:54 AM
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really wishing i could be with you wepow i hope today goes well.hugs and i hope thew have also had a goodnights sleep and will be able to also see things in a better light
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT  Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
| WePow
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#11
Sep 22, 2010, 02:18 PM
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(((((WePow)))))
So how are things now? Keep well,
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| WePow
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#12
Sep 22, 2010, 03:05 PM
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I am at work and everyone is acting all normal. I am doing fine.
My manager does not get back into the office until Thursday though ... hummmmm |
| zooropa
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#13
Sep 22, 2010, 03:09 PM
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((((((((((((((((((((((( WePow ))))))))))))))))))))))))
 thank you
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#14
Sep 22, 2010, 03:44 PM
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You'll see your T tomorrow, and your manager. You will get through this! Don't forget that there are people on your side who love you and care about you!
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| WePow
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#15
Sep 22, 2010, 06:41 PM
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((((((((((((Oceanwave)))))))))))))) (((((((((sitting )))))))))) *((((((((((all))))))))))
Man, I was totally numb this AM about everything. Just in the I don't care mode. Stayed that way most of the day. Then the manager called in and talked with one of the other team mates (the one he left in charge)... But I didn't talk to him. My manger didn't send me a single email or a call to check on me. I can't figure out if he just will let it blow over ((I seriously doubt that since it is not his style at all)) or if he is going to fire me and is trying to emotionally distance himself from me before he does so. A part of me really doesn't care because I am so exhausted with that job but I can't quit. So I wonder if subconsciously I want them to fire me so I can just be done with things. Urrrrrrrr..... The other part of me is still angry that a supposed "team member" ran to HR over nothing at all when it didn't even impact him. I was crying at my own desk. That room is too small with no privacy at all between desks. He was acting like everything was just fine today and like I didn't know he said anything. blah blah blah ... I am just rambling now. Sorry. I can't tell T the truth of how low I was last night because it was SI.... and I put myself on his 24 hour no contact after that because I know the rule anyway. So I didn't send him any emails today at all. He told me I was safe in his call to me yesterday (while I was bawling) rather than ask me. So that is kinda the last straw with him for now. Trying to not care about that right now either. I was thinking about if I do get fired tommorow what I would do when I see him for session at 5PM. I think I would give him back his Hope stone he gave me that I carry all the time for grounding. First of all, without insurance and without a job, I can't afford to see him anyway. Secondly... Well I can't go into that. But if I did give T back his hope stone and he knew the real reason why I would do that - well he would have to make calls and I would run. I know me. I would just get in the car and bolt. So I can't tell him how I am really thinking even though I want to... urrrr. IDK. I just have to take it for whatever it is. And then to add to things, I have to face my abuser yet again on Friday night as they go back home. I am sitting here laughing thinking of the flat out irony of what the next two days could actually be like - loose my job, loose my T, and loose my mind !!! Well guys, that is where I am right now. |
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#16
Sep 22, 2010, 07:04 PM
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Do you ever watch the television show "Office"? Talk about dysfunction...
__________________
Now if thou would'st When all have given him o'er From death to life Thou might'st him yet recover -- Michael Drayton 1562 - 1631 |
| WePow
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#17
Sep 22, 2010, 07:19 PM
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Quote:
weepow i'm worried about what is going through your head i know it is hard but please take it one day or evenone moment at a time
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
| WePow
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#18
Sep 22, 2010, 07:38 PM
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Quote:
Turn it around. Take a deep breath. Have you ever gone into a church/meditation area to just sit and let it all go? Even a meditation area at a hospital. Sometimes the brave thing to do is... take no action. That is why I thought simply sitting might help. Sometimes the best thing to do is sit with the pain and the discomfort. To let it flow over and through you. Let it go without trying to control it. I hope you keep your Hope stone. Think of it as yours. It is not your T's anymore. It is yours because he gave it to you. Maybe take it with you and just sit with it. Would it ever be possible to simply not be there on Friday night? The stone is yours. Your life is yours. You do not owe anything. You deserve to feel loved and at peace. If you don't want to be there Friday you don't have to be. I hope you won't give up on therapy. Maybe take a break. Re-group. Trust yourself. Many hugs and good wishes. Elana |
| pachyderm, WePow
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#19
Sep 22, 2010, 07:44 PM
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Breath ((Weepow)). Wishing you some peace of mind.
__________________
"Be careful how you speak to your children. One day it will become their inner voice." - Peggy O'Mara Don't ever mistake MY SILENCE for ignorance, MY CALMNESS for acceptance, MY KINDNESS for weakness. - unknown |
| WePow
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#20
Sep 22, 2010, 09:13 PM
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((((((((((WePow)))))))))))))
I'm sorry this is so hard right now. This really sucks. Please take care of yourself!
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| WePow
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#21
Sep 23, 2010, 02:51 AM
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WePow, you have a whole scenario built up on something that probably won't happen (you will lose your job). Wouldn't this be covered under the disability laws anyway?
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
| WePow
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#22
Sep 23, 2010, 02:53 AM
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((((((WePow)))))))
Your T asked you to tell him how you feel and to reach out. Did he ever say you can't contact him if it's SI? And is it really? He has to know how you are feeling and he will respond as soon as he is able to. I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. But you don't have to lose your job and lose your T. Someone was a jerk in your office but you are fine. He is the problem and he is the one who needs to worry. Please tell your manager that they have been rude and inappropriate and he/ she will sort it out professionally. It will all be fine. You can do this WePow. Your T is there for you and he supports you, just tell him everything so he understands. There IS hope!
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| WePow
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#23
Sep 23, 2010, 05:48 AM
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(((((((((( All ))))))))) Thank you all for the hope and things to consider. I woke up peaceful - just moving but still on the inside. Need to stay this way for today until I see what happens... and even then afterward. Life can only be lived one day at a time. I forget that basic thing at times. No matter what happens or does not happen, I need to start seeing that each day is an open door for me. And only I can take the steps through those doors into whatever the next journey is. But to do that, I can't deplete all my energy trying to look through the doors to the future while my NOW is in this time and place.
Hope I do not forget the simple things I remember from time to time. |
| Elana05, Sannah, sittingatwatersedge
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#24
Sep 23, 2010, 06:20 AM
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please let us know how it goes today
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
| WePow
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#25
Sep 23, 2010, 09:56 AM
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((((((((((WePow)))))))))
Wanted to send my hugs.
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| WePow
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| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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