Why is it that I need support for T?!

Continuing on from my previous post on confidentiality issues and whether or not my T told his wife (my Big Boss) whether I am his client-

So I brought it up right away and he was mostly clinical about it. Of course, he said he didn't tell her. But his idea of reassurance is kind of a mild denial and then repeating, "I'm not sure what I could say for you to believe me."

I told him, I wanted him to say, "I didn't. I won't. I would never." Break my confidentiality that is. Where I said it with urgency, he repeated it like an adolescent would repeat a promise that their parent is forcing upon them! Though I will give him credit-he made sure to bring it up before time was up and reiterate that he's hasn't said anything.

Honestly, now it is less about the confidentiality issue and more about this underlying feeling like my T doesn't respect me. He kept saying about how he's has all sorts of multiple relationships with lots of clients since we are in a small town. But I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this is about me and my conflict." I understand it is no big deal FOR HIM.

I don't think he likes me. I think he finds me trying. I don't think he sees what I am doing to handle the situation maturely and to show respect to him. For instance, I purposefully avoided him at a party we saw each other at. Was it for my comfort? Sure, but I was fully aware of his comfort, too. I don't feel like it is reciprocated. He doesn't care.

In other words, I'm pissy right now.

I wonder why it is that I feel like I need support (from you guys ) when I'm in freakin' therapy!

Hey we all need support! That's why this site is so HUGE!!

Yikes...trust is a big deal, isn't it? All I know is that you can't second guess everything your T does and says...you will drive yourself crazy.

dear Symbiosis,,, Trust your gut, heads can be messed with, but all those little signals that might escape your notice are captured by that part of us called "unconscious",, it's not Unconscious, we are just usually unaware of it,, but if it's screaming at you constantly,,, Listen~! Therapists are just people,, you know. They take money from clients they don't like, too. They drop hints to their wives; they avoid clients in public, too,, for reasons of "confidentiality". Personally, whenever i hear someone say,, i don't trust my therapist,,, i tend to wonder about the therapist,, not the client's judgement. so that's my bias. But do listen to that inner voice. If you are putting out the effort to get well,, you want a Partner, not an audience. Best Wishes,, Gus

Eileen >>> Hey we all need support! That's why this site is so HUGE!!

Eileen >>> trust is a big deal, isn't it? All I know is that you can't second guess everything your T does and says...you will drive yourself crazy

Wooo, she's right.
Eileen... too late! where were you when I needed you...?

I got another appt. I hope it isn't a waste of money.

good job. Hope it goes very well. (((((((((((((((( symbiosis )))))))))))))))

I've hesitated to share my story, because it isn't exactly the same situation as yours, but every time I read one of your posts, it hits so close to home I can't help but think I need to share.

I started seeing my T last year. Earlier this year, my husband, who works in mental health ended us hiring my T's husband to work for him. So, my husband is my T's husband's boss. It was REALLY weird for me, because I could not believe that my T would not tell her husband that I was her client - that he was working for a client's husband. I just couldn't believe that behind closed doors - no matter what privacy statements she has - that she wouldn't tell him. That is, until I asked her point blank. When I asked her, I knew she had not told him. She wasn't defensive, she was flat out honest about it and said that she would not break my confidentiality - not even to her husband. We have had our issues about trust on other things, but I do not believe that he knows. I do not believe that she has told him. My husband believes the same thing. He has given my husband no indication at all that he has a clue that I see his wife as a client.

I guess I say all this to say that I understand the "stickiness" of this situation, even though it isn't exactly the same. If you are uncomfortable. If you do not feel like you can trust your T on this issue, how do you expect to trust him to help you on other issues? I don't mean to sound harsh at all, but this was the exact question I had to ask myself. I was already invested in therapy with my T, but if I thought I couldn't believe her to tell me the truth about telling/not telling her husband....well, I certainly couldn't trust her to help me with the other things I go to talk with her about.

Doogie

Thanks for sharing Doogie. I thought my situation was about as bad as it gets, but yours would be extremely anxiety provoking! The reverse power differential...yikes! So it all worked-out okay? How long ago was this?

I know I will have to let it go. I feel like I keep giving him all these chances to be reassuring and he's just not. I emailed him yesterday (even though I hate being that needy). It seems like he refuses to actually put the emotions behind the words. You can keep saying, "I haven't said anything," but without the proper emphasis/urgency/tone it seems hollow.

Even if I get over that part, I guess I'm just questioning his commitment to my therapy. It's like he doesn't care. My best friend is a therapist and I can't imagine her being this way with her clients. In fact, she tells me that she always likes to tell a client when she thinking about them outside of work because when she was in therapy it felt very powerful to her when her therapist said that. I could never imagine my T saying that or maybe even thinking about me over his long flippin' weekends. I don't know that he is invested.

I don't want to start all over again with someone new either. I mean, I do like him. I just don't know if the feeling is mutual.

Yes, it has been ok, but we (my t and I) have had several several conversations about it. Its just weird having her husband work for my husband!! It just comes down to the fact that I trust her. I trust her that if this weird situation ever becomes an issue, that we will talk about it. I know this because she tols me so. We have had to be very "on the table" with everything-feelings-about it. I don't know your T or your particular situation, but I think i would keep talking with him about this issue until you get a resolution you are comfortable with. This isn't about making HIM comfortable with the situation, but YOU being comfortable. Good luck. I know it is hard.

My old T was actually the friend/crush of my husband's friend.

When we went to dinner with my husband's friend, he'd talk about T the whole time and what they did together in their private time, his attempts to woo her, the details of her private life, etc. It was super awkward.

When I was with T, she would talk about hubby's friend because she knew that we both knew him. She even tried to hang out with me at a party he threw, but I sort of ignored her until she went away.

That T was not very good about confidentiality because she would tell me about other people's issues during session. They were people who she knew I was acquainted with and she referred to them by name. It made it hard to trust her with anything because I could never be sure if she was using me for an example with other people.

All of that, coupled with other issues, led me to stop seeing her.

wow, that must have been incredibly awkward!! i cant say i blame you for having difficulty trusting someone who was telling you about other clients...i would always wonder what she was saying about ME to her other clients!