Power

T and I have been getting into some really deep, hard stuff. It's starting to feel like too much, so I went to session today ready to totally take control, steal the power, whatever. I told him I wanted to be the therapist, so we switched chairs. I told him I was going to just sit and stare at him. I said I was the "Angry Therapist".

T said that we could do that, but that he wanted to put a time limit on it, because there was something else that HE wanted to do. My younger parts have been asking a lot to draw or color, and he wanted us to do that today. He said that he wanted me to have some relief before the weekend.

Somehow, that kind of took the wind out of my sails. We sat there for a while, and then I said I would come over to the couch and color with him. He pulled out a box of mandalas and a bunch of different art supplies.

As I colored, I could feel the angry me fading away. I told him about some of the slides in the yucky slide show in my head, but not a lot. He told me that he used to have a slide show in his head too. I told him I was scared that I would tell him about a slide and a new, yuckier one would slide in to take it's place. It was easier to talk while I colored.

Then I felt mad again, and pulled out what I thought was a REALLY "yucky" mandala. I really really really didn't like it and found it super triggering because of some of the things drawn on it. I took a big black crayon and scribbled out all of the yucky parts. I pushed HARD, I made it ALL GO AWAY.

And when I was done....what was left was a SUN. The sun is a huge symbol for me, and inside of the sun was another thing that is very symbolic for me. I couldn't BELIEVE IT. I didn't see the sun at all until I blacked out all of the yuck.

T and I smiled a lot. He said he was smiling inside and outside. We talked about how powerful I am. I made the yucky stuff go away, and what was left were two powerful symbols of hope and joy and life.

It feels like something DEEP DOWN was healed a little bit. I think a younger part of me, the one who colors, found HER power. SHE made the bad stuff go away.

I don't even know if this makes any sense, but it was so hugely powerful.

I didn't have to try to steal T's power by taking his chair and being the therapist. I found my own power right there inside of me.

Congratulations {{{{{Treehouse}}}}} Well Done! ( and let that be a lesson to ya!) Keeping the Good Thought for your continuing progress. Gus

Wow! That is beyond awesome!!!! Wayto go!!

>>> I told him I was going to just sit and stare at him. I said I was the "Angry Therapist".
LOL

>>> T said that we could do that, but that he wanted to put a time limit on it, because there was something else that HE wanted to do. My younger parts have been asking a lot to draw or color, and he wanted us to do that today. He said that he wanted me to have some relief before the weekend.
sneeeeky therapists..........

>>> Somehow, that kind of took the wind out of my sails.
uh-huh. Yup, like I said.....

>>> And when I was done....what was left was a SUN. ....I made the yucky stuff go away, and what was left were two powerful symbols of hope and joy and life.

way to go Treehouse!!

((((((((Tree))))))))

That is sooooooooooo awesome.

I'm so happy for you.

(((Tree))) That is great!

that is so awsome tree i love art therapy

I love that. What a great surprise to see the SUN revealed there when you were done scribbling out the bad parts. How amazing and cool!

T, in his phone message, said he could clearly SEE a big shift take place inside during session. I know I felt it.

During session, I remember him talking about the fact that when clients come in, he can usually tell pretty quickly how much they will be able to access their "inner wisdom". He pointed out my "wisdom" in choosing that mandala. I said I thought I just got lucky, and he said "I don't think so".

On my message, he said we make a great team...that I trust his wisdom and he trusts mine, and that is why it works.

I like having T on my team

((((((((Tree))))))))) I love that msg your T left you!!! That is so awesome!

YES!!!

((((Treehouse)))))

So THAT subject, you know which: why you were feeling like the "angry therapist". Did that subject ever come up?

No.

I had left him a message saying basically "you're the therapist, you have to talk about things even if they're uncomfortable for you" but I also said "I don't know if I'm bringing this up right now because I *need* to talk about it, or because I'm trying to avoid other stuff". I *know* that I have a big, big tendency to find something else to focus on when trauma stuff comes up that feels too big and yucky to deal with. It's really hard for me to tell if I'm trying to avoid, or if the thing that has come up really IS what I need to talk about.

T left me a message back saying that he knows that there is a lot of stuff "rolling around" in my head, and that we can trust that whatever is most important will "fall out". (or something like that).

So, I went to session prepared to do battle...but T admitted he had his own agenda, and wanted me to have some relief before the weekend. I think I realized that he was right...at that moment, I needed to get a little of the trauma crap OUT, even though in a lot of ways that was pretty much the last thing in the world I wanted to do.

I think that's what T meant about trusting each other's wisdom. I let him take the lead (usually I get to lead) and it paid off. The "other stuff" feels really unimportant now, which tells me that I probably WAS using it to avoid.

That doesn't mean it never will be important, or that we'll never have to address it again (although who knows?), but for right now, it's okay.

thanks for asking, ocean