talking about T and trauma

as some of you know, I went back to school this week. It has been a week full of new experiences, including making some new friends.

I met someone that I have a lot in common with and we are in the same program at school, we just really seemed to click. It's been great. We've seen a lot of each other this week and done a lot of talking, getting to know one another. I have found myself again and again talking about my T.

Things like, "My T said ____" or "one time T told me ____". I'm kind of worried that this new friend of mine might think I'm either obsessed with my T or just really, really screwed up. Or both.

And then it followed, after talking about T and therapy to her a lot, that she wondered what I'm in therapy for. She definitely gave me room to be as vague or noncommittal in my answer as I wanted to be, but I had told her that therapy can be really hard and we had spent some time discussing different types of therapy and other psych related topics.

So, I finally just told her about the CSA and the SA

I didn't go into any detail with her, I can barely even do that with my T, but I told her. And now ever since she left I just keep wondering, why did I tell her? Do I somehow think that makes me "special"? Or am I trying to push her away, to freak her out? I don't know my motivation, and I don't know what I expect to happen next. Maybe I wanted to tell her now in case she wants to get out of the friendship, better to do it now than later when we are more attached?

I don't now. Confused and a little triggered.

maybe your motivation was to be known. being close to someone means being open and honest with them, being vulnerable. maybe you didnt want this to be a huge wall up between the two of you...

wow. i can't even come close to imagining how hard that must have been, and the freakout afterward...yea, I can see that. i think you are pretty awesome for laying it out there like that. By you sharing that it gives her room to be honest with you about her own personal struggles. could make for a very valuable friendship!

((((((((((((zoo)))))))))))))

I just told two people IRL about the same things.

In some ways, I think it is a sign of healing. T says that part of healing is being able to integrate what happened into my life. To not have to push it away, to not have it constantly showing up in flashes in my mind, but to just have it be part of my story. It is part of your story. Your friend asked, you told her.

I know how scary it is to tell. I KNOW, believe me. It's such a vulnerable feeling. But it is what it is, and she asked, and you told. I think that if she didn't want to hear, she wouldn't have asked.

I wonder if it will feel better the next time you see her? Kind of like when we tell T something new and then worry until we see T again about whether things will be different now?

If you regret telling her, next time someone asks, you can say "childhood stuff" or whatever. That's my general fallback answer.

You are okay. Look at the amazing things you are doing...going to school, making friends, allowing yourself to be vulnerable. You are healing

(((((Zoo )))))))) It is strange how those of us with trauma often do feel bad for "telling" -- telling T, telling an authority figure when it happened, telling a friend about it

I wonder if it is because by stating our truth we admit our truth?
Or (as in my case) we were threatened if we spoke our truth...
Maybe we do really want to take a chance and open our hearts up to allow someone to come close and see our truth?

Sending big hugs!

I think it's all of those things, wepow. I know that I have struggled with telling because doing so made it REAL, and all those years I had denied it ever happened. Also I've learned that telling takes away my sense of control over the information. If you tell someone, they can tell whoever they want, and that is scary. Like what happened with my sister telling my mom about the SA. Didn't turn out so well.

I guess maybe I told this friend of mine for a lot of the reasons mentioned above. Also because maybe I hope she'll understand why certain things are hard for me. Like going out after dark. And why I said I'm arranging my schedule so I don't have T and class on the same day, stuff like that.

I definitely feel awkward now and in some ways I'm expecting to never hear from her again. I guess if that happens then that's not the kind of friends I want anyway.

hi zoo, i agree with what tree wrote about the reasons why you told her, and would add that maybe this was a way to try to connect "this world" (PC) with your life outside of here. it seems we all come here, share (some pretty deep stuff), and try to connect with each other. there is a lot of honesty, trust, and openness in this world, and perhaps you were trying to incorporate some of that into your real life. just a thought.

sometimes survivors of csa /sa have trouble with boundaries... struggling with what to share or not share, how much, etc You should def bring it up in therapy and talk about how to decide more strongly in the moment.

validation is another driving force at times... and the desire to make it not true or to undo it

Hi zoopropa,

I apologize for being absent on the forums for a while but I was here earlier & keep up with everyone

Just wanted to offer some support--I'm kind of proud of you...a new friend is GREAT!!!!!!!!!!! And connections are so important, i think it's amazing that you "went there" with someone you felt a bond with. I could totally see myself doing that, and it's important to reach out to people...without judging it...and if you felt a connection with this person and felt they are genuine, the natural thing is to want to open up, especially since you are having a hard time right now. It's just really hard to keep things that are SO HUGE to you, from someone important. And if you felt she was cool, she'll be cool about this situation. It would be surprising if she didn't respond with compassion, and maybe it's a step forward for you.

I think that learning to be open and trust people means taking the risk to do so, and waiting to see what happens. You're right, however she responds, it will help you learn about making friends more honestly in the future. When I started being more open about what I was facing, I did lose a few friends. And it was terribly hard, but the friends I have now don't treat my 'issues' as anything more than facts about who I am. Now I don't have to hide being triggered, I can just say, "I want to leave, I'm scared."

I think it sounds like you were very brave with your new friend. I am proud of you for taking this risk!

zoo, I think for you, this means you trusted this person enough to let her in. Sure, the explanation that maybe you were trying to shock her/push her away would hold true for some survivors of SA (like me) but you are a person who doesn't tell people these things and doesn't want to say them out loud -- so for you I think it is an indication that you trust the person.

I think it would be a problem if you told every new friend you came in contact with, to see if it made them run away. I do this. I don't see you doing this here, though. I see you opening up, sharing, and making a true friend.

(((((zoo))))

I just remembered something my T said to me when I disclosed my CSA to someone a few weeks ago.

She's only the second person (besides T) that I've really told IRL, and I told her because she had shared about her own CSA, and I know how unbelievably crappy it feels to feel alone with it.

T told me (repeatedly) that no matter how she reacts, it is HER issue. I know that he was proud of me for being able to tell...but I also know he was worried that she would have some kind of reaction (running away, whatever) that would make me feel bad about telling. He said her reaction is her reaction, and it is about her, not me.

I actually haven't seen her since I told her...twice when I was somewhere we would normally be together, she wasn't there. I'm not sure what that means, actually. But I know T is right. It was okay to tell, and no matter what she does or doesn't do now, *I* am okay.

I just wanted to share that with you

thanks for the replies, each and every one.

My friend had told me about her own CSA, although she minimized it and said it was "minor". So, maybe I felt that she had shown some vulnerability and I wanted to reciprocate? Also, the first time we met she asked me what I'm on SSI for and I told her PTSD, so I know she had to wonder what that was about.

It's been a couple days now since I told her and we have been texting back and forth a lot, I don't think it feels any different. I don't know if I'm going to tell my T about this. Right now I have a lot of concerns about letting my T know everything that's going on with me, because despite everything I still have a lot of fears that she's going to end my therapy if she sees me making too much progress. I know that sounds screwed up, but I can't help how I feel. It just feels safer to me to hold some things back.

I don't know. I'm having a lot of mixed feelings about T. I'm really looking forward to seeing her and wish I didn't have to wait until Tues (instead of our usual Mon) and at the same time I'm dreading starting trauma work again. It's been 3 weeks since we talked about anything big and it feels GOOD. I'm starting to dream about the trauma again and think about it during the day, I know this is because I'm trying to prepare in some way for ripping it all open again. But there's really no way to prepare for that kind of pain.