[bpd mess]

Is it typical to want to quit t every other week or so? I always cave and end up going back, but it gets to be so much sometimes that I really want to quit.

[ECHOES]

It has been for me because I want to run from things that scare me or make me uncomfortable or angry or ...
It's something to learn from, this wanting to run away, to be someplace else, to not have to think about and feel certain things. But the more it happens with me, the more I learn about my knee-jerk reaction to bolt and the things that trigger that in me. Not that it is always a knee-jerk reaction, because sometimes it is a building up of things. Either way it is something to learn from and .. well, not run from

Sometimes something happens in therapy that scares me and makes me wonder if I am being foolish to trust. Sometimes I am finding things to be dissatisfied about that work as a defense against fully participating. Sometimes I am angry and feel like I can't acknowledge that, so the only solution seems to be to never go back.

I'm really glad that you can feel like quitting but not let it happen. It's hard because not only do you really want to, but also because going back can feel like self-betrayal and submissiveness.

When I began therapy, and I struggled and melted down so much, my T asked me if I could trust the process. So that's what I try to do, although sometimes I need help remembering that.

I also have such a history of quitting that *this* time around, I promised myself I would not do that. I sometimes need help remembering that, too, and several times the wonderful people here on this forum have helped me remember.

Do you talk about wanting to quit with your T?

[bpd mess]

Echoes,
There is so much that you wrote that applies. My t keeps telling me to wait until my knee-jerk reactions subside before making decisions and to trust the process. It's so hard to trust the process. It's so hard to trust period. It's so much easier to run.

I usually email or text her that I quit, so she knows. She tells me that's fine for today. I can quit for that day, but tomorrow is another day.

[ECHOES]

I usually email or text her that I quit, so she knows. She tells me that's fine for today. I can quit for that day, but tomorrow is another day.

I love this!

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by bpd mess

Is it typical to want to quit t every other week or so? I always cave and end up going back, but it gets to be so much sometimes that I really want to quit.

Are you comfortable with your T? What feelings are you having around the idea of quitting - or staying? Perhaps you could give it a go and be off therapy for a few weeks, and see what comes up.

[bpd mess]

Originally Posted by Oceanwave

Are you comfortable with your T? What feelings are you having around the idea of quitting - or staying?

I'm very comfortable with her. So comfortable that it terrifies me that she might leave or abandon me. I think some of the times I want to quit are when I share something with her that I've never shared before. That scares me, makes me panic. It seems like it would be better to leave her than to learn to trust her more and then her leave me. Not being able to trust and fear of abandonment are big ones for me.

[googley]

My T told me once after I shared something new and created a huge rupture that it was not unusual to want to pull back and create space after sharing new info. That it feels vulnerable. And it isn't unusual to want to pull back. I think you should talk about this with your T.

[treeclimber]

I feel a lot of what you are feeling. I quit my T about once every few weeks - simply because I'm afraid of losing him. In my mind, I think....if I quit him NOW, he won't abandon me later. The sooner I feel the pain of leaving him, the sooner I'll get it over with. Once I do quit, though, the pain is too much and I end up going back to him. I can't really quit, which scares me. How will I ever be able to handle termination?!?!

For me, it's a trust thing, too. I can't quite trust him completely because I know he will, eventually, leave me - and hurt me as a result. I don't want to feel that!

I guess we need to get to the point where we trust them enough to believe that they know what they are doing. If we trust them, they will get us beyond this fear of abandonment? This fear of trust? Funny, huh? We have to trust them so that they can help us learn to trust?!

[bpd mess]

Originally Posted by treeclimber

I feel a lot of what you are feeling. I quit my T about once every few weeks - simply because I'm afraid of losing him. In my mind, I think....if I quit him NOW, he won't abandon me later. The sooner I feel the pain of leaving him, the sooner I'll get it over with. Once I do quit, though, the pain is too much and I end up going back to him. I can't really quit, which scares me. How will I ever be able to handle termination?!?!

For me, it's a trust thing, too. I can't quite trust him completely because I know he will, eventually, leave me - and hurt me as a result. I don't want to feel that!

I guess we need to get to the point where we trust them enough to believe that they know what they are doing. If we trust them, they will get us beyond this fear of abandonment? This fear of trust? Funny, huh? We have to trust them so that they can help us learn to trust?!

Treeclimber,
I think that's exactly it. I want to quit so I won't get hurt, but then I can't quit because it hurts. I don't know how to trust, but I need to trust so I can learn to trust. It's all so confusing and frustrating!

[zooropa]

Oh man, yes. Especially in the beginning, I wanted to quit ALL THE TIME. I quit so many times, in my head. I always came back around by the time the week was up, though. Even now I still think about quitting at least one a month.

I agree with googley (and her T). I eventually saw a real pattern where I would want to quit when I was feeling especially vulnerable, either because of a big disclosure or some rupture or whatever. I also often created ruptures to sort of give myself an "excuse" to quit, and it was a process to get to where I could recognize that and work through it and see that I was trying to push my T away because the closer I got to her, the more vulnerable I was, the bigger the chance of me getting hurt.

[bpd mess]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I eventually saw a real pattern where I would want to quit when I was feeling especially vulnerable, either because of a big disclosure or some rupture or whatever. I also often created ruptures to sort of give myself an "excuse" to quit, and it was a process to get to where I could recognize that and work through it and see that I was trying to push my T away because the closer I got to her, the more vulnerable I was, the bigger the chance of me getting hurt.

I think that's what I'm doing! How did you get to where you could recognize it? I'm getting really tired of this roller coaster.

Throughout my therapy, I've had a big pattern of creating ruptures when things get too scary. I did it for a LONG time (years?) without realizing I was doing it...the conflict with T felt SO REAL. And T really HAS made some mistakes (because he's not perfect, darn it! lol), and so there have been "real" ruptures as well. It's hard (for me) to tell the difference between a "real" rupture (a real conflict with T) and something I'm creating because I'm scared.

Just recognizing that it was a pattern for me was a REALLY BIG first step. Now that I'm aware of it, it almost never happens. When I feel angry, or abandoned, or some other negative thing with T, I know I have to check in with myself to see if I'm scared or if T really did something hurtful, or something with bad intentions. I doubt T has EVER done anything with bad intentions, and the self-awareness has made our ruptures nearly non-existent.

It was a learning process to get here, and it wasn't easy. It took a LOT of trust in T - that T really does care, really won't hurt me, etc. And it took a lot of honesty with myself. Two things that didn't happen overnight!

T and I worked through EVERY rupture by talking and talking and talking. I think part of our closeness now is a direct result of have to work so hard together to keep our relationship intact.

It IS tiring. But you can learn to do it differently

[bpd mess]

Originally Posted by treehouse

It was a learning process to get here, and it wasn't easy. It took a LOT of trust in T - that T really does care, really won't hurt me, etc. And it took a lot of honesty with myself. Two things that didn't happen overnight!

Thanks Treehouse. I can say I trust my T, but maybe I don't really trust her as much as I think. I still doubt that she won't hurt me or leave me sometimes. That kind of keeps me on guard and trying to run. Maybe since I kind of know my pattern now, I can start to work on changing it. Maybe.....

[ECHOES]

Even trust is a process, and has many levels to it.

[rainbow8]

The problem for me is that I completely trust that my T won't DELIBERATELY hurt me or leave me, but it could happen anyway. She could move away or die. So, even though it wouldn't be her fault, I could get hurt by being so close to her. I've never wanted to quit for that reason, though. It makes me wish I could see my T more often and get more from therapy before it ends.

[bpd mess]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Even trust is a process, and has many levels to it.

I don't think I realized how much I don't trust until I had to start learning to trust my T. I'm not there yet, but like you said, it's a process.

Thanks everyone for replying. I think I understand a little better what's going on.

[Kacey2]

Originally Posted by bpd mess

She tells me that's fine for today. I can quit for that day, but tomorrow is another day.

I love this too.

BPDmess
I can so relate to all that this thread is about and since we both have the same diagnosis I think we may be able to put our heads together and first understand where this is coming from and secondly what we can do about it. I struggle with this constantly. In fact today I was in tears about this very same problem. I struggle with trusting my t, with extreme fears of abandonment and how painful the t ending will be. It is so unbearable to think about yet we do it all the time. I also struggle with how can he care about me? And surely if he does care a little about me it just isn't enough. Am I just 2 5o min slots to fill in his work week? And how frusterated with me is he about my always having the urge to quit and not wanting to talk about important things because I don't want .................... well this is getting a little too in depth but I could talk to you about this for hours. PM if you would like I know we each have a lot to say about this or start another on the BPD forum because there is less traffic there. Thanks for this post.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by bpd mess

I think that's what I'm doing! How did you get to where you could recognize it? I'm getting really tired of this roller coaster.

I think you're already on the path toward recognizing it, bpd. It was through talking about it here and with friends that I figured it out. Reading other people's experiences here gave me a better insight into my own behaviors and thought patterns.

Unlike treehouse, I haven't spent much time talking about this with my T. Which just goes to show that Ts can be very, very different and still very effective. My T doesn't seem to like talking about our relationship and we have probably spent less than 10 minutes total doing that in the 2 years I've been seeing her.

Originally Posted by zooropa

Unlike treehouse, I haven't spent much time talking about this with my T. Which just goes to show that Ts can be very, very different and still very effective. My T doesn't seem to like talking about our relationship and we have probably spent less than 10 minutes total doing that in the 2 years I've been seeing her.

We have talked about my tendency to create ruptures, once I realized it...but mainly, I mean we've talked through every "conflict" that we've had. I've told him why I'm angry, afraid, etc. and we've worked through it. I don't think I could have learned to trust him otherwise.

Therapy is hard! And you are SO right - it can be really different and still really effective. But still just ridiculously hard sometimes

[granite1]

lately i am always feeling like i should quit.i tried to tell T i didnt want to come anymore but she called and asked me to come in so she could help me and i was to much of a whimp to say i was scared or didnt want to so i just said ok.that was it.i still went and always do.its ok to want to quit but you should go and just talk about it

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

The problem for me is that I completely trust that my T won't DELIBERATELY hurt me or leave me, but it could happen anyway. She could move away or die.

For me, one of my thoughts is that if the T does not know enough, is not careful enough, maybe without "intending" to, he or she can make a mistake that can cost me my life, or my "soul". It takes a certain amount of health, maturity, to think that I can survive in spite of T mistakes. I certainly did not have that maturity to begin with.

[bpd mess]

i sent an email to my t about all this. that way i have no choice but to talk to her about it. i usually go in intending to talk about something, but clam up and never even mention it. should be an interesting session tomorrow.

[ECHOES]

You're all set!

[bpd mess]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

You're all set!

All set and quakin' in my boots! This is not a discussion i'm looking forward to. But then, what discussions do I ever look forward to in therapy?!

[ECHOES]

I can understand quaking' in your boots! Putting something out there, then waiting...
Have there been other times when you've not looked forward to talking about something in therapy, then in reality it was a good discussion? Could you draw on that memory to calm the quakin'?