[Abby]

My therapist has been away on holiday for a few weeks. She has just got back and i've seen her once. I wasn't too happy about her going away but now she is back i'm not bothered. To be honest it is just an added stress as i've gotten used to being on my own again and then she comes back and i have to suddenly talk to her.

I don't even feel I know her anymore, she is a stranger to me. Okay so she still looks the same and her gestures are the same but she is not who she was. She has become ?? irrelevant. I can't even believe I was so upset before she left because right now if I never saw her again I don't think i'd blink an eye. It feels absurd that i got as upset as I did....I'm crazy.

I know that it can be hard to reconnect. But i'm not sure I even want to. I can't tell how I feel. When i sat in the room the other day I just felt ?? empty. There was nothing there anymore. I have nothing to say to her. I don't even want to tell her any of this, because it would seem bizarre, like having a confidential in depth conversation with someone i've just met.

I think I am angry inside maybe? I don't think i'm angry at her, i don't care about her, but i feel ?? destructive towards myself. I think i'm sad inside or maybe lost? The thing is, i don't want to tell her about it....i just don't trust her anymore. What's the point?

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by Abby

I think I am angry inside maybe? I don't think i'm angry at her, i don't care about her, but i feel ?? destructive towards myself. I think i'm sad inside or maybe lost? The thing is, i don't want to tell her about it....i just don't trust her anymore. What's the point?

It does sound like you might be angry with her, maybe you are shutting her out because she left you, and you don't want to feel that way again, so you're protecting yourself from her. I don't know, it's just a wild guess, I can be completely wrong. But if you're feeling sad and self destructive, you need to talk to someone about it...and it might as well be her, since she's available...right?

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Abby

but now she is back i'm not bothered. To be honest it is just an added stress

If you weren't bothered, you wouldn't be stressed either. I would talk with her about how strange/contradictory/confused you feel about the situation, there's obviously something there that needs understanding?

How did you feel on the way to the appointment? Were you looking forward to seeing her? Curious? Anxious? Or did your confusion develop from the session?

[WePow]

((((Abby)))) I can understand this emotions. It is sometimes easier to finally just see T as a total stranger - again. They were before we hire them. Then we almost forget that they were a stranger.

"How did I not realize this wonderful human was in my world and in my city this whole time!! "

And then something happens and we think "If T were a stranger again, I would not miss T so much. T could not reach me inside. I would not care if T didn't call me back or email me back. " So then we again find a way to make T into a stranger.

Safer that way. But then we miss what we had.

[Luce]

When a therapist goes away for any reason (ill health, vacation etc) it can trigger a lot of emotions and fears in the client. One of the most common ways of dealing with those 'abandonment' triggers is by emtionally detaching, and it sounds like this is what you have done. I used to do it a lot too. It's just easier to not feel anything at all about the therapist than to suffer through all those difficult emotions alone.
It is often hard to reconnect with the the t again when he or she returns. It just takes a little while to come out of that protective detachment phase and trust that the T is 'there' again.
It is okay and 'normal' for you to feel how you are feeling right now. You are simply protecting yourself. It probably won't take long for that switch to flip again, though, and you'll be glad again to have T there.

[Melbadaze]

Abbey, I agree with what perna said. Looks to me that you are self protective mode and within a couple of weeks it will hit you...I use to feel I had no strong emotions about T having gone away, but then found I was bEing impatient with myaelf in my outside life and doing things like stubbing my toe or dropping things and feeling irritated with how clumsy I suddenly felt.

[Sannah]

You got a lot of good replies here Abby. How are you doing today with this?

[Abby]

Thanks for your support and replies!

I think I am emotional detached. I feel quite 'spaced out' and blank. I saw my therapist again, and I didn't like it. I told her she was acting too over-familiar and I found that rude. I tried to tell her that I couldn't remember how it was before she left and that I couldn't understand why I've been in therapy at all.

I can understand the explanation of self protection. But that still leaves me feeling confused about how to be with her because I am obviously quite justifiably cautious of trusting her again! It is awkward. I am really quite tired inside and I feel I'm 'off balance'. I don't have the words to explain any better.

Before my first appt I felt anxious but I didn't know how I felt other than that. For this session I felt nothing at all - numb. Wierdly though I have noticed my tolerance levels has been really low recently. In fact I have been semi convinced recently that someone has it in for me because all the traffic lights turn red the minute I drive anywhere near them!! It is a strange mix I feel as though i'm on auto-pilot but also snap over the tiniest event/non-event.

I hate this. It might be normal but I hate that she has done this to me.

[Sannah]

Are you angry with her?

[Abby]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Are you angry with her?

I wish I knew how I felt towards her. I hate not knowing.

I know i'm not being healthy...I can see myself being self destructive and getting further and further to that place where I just don't care anymore.

I don't know what to say. I know it is my fault. It is as though i'm watching a car crash in slow motion and completely unable to stop it happening... I want so much to be good so why on earth is that so unbelievably hard for me?! I should just accept her and try and reconnect but....I don't know, I thought I wasn't doing a silent protest, I thought I wasn't....but maybe I am? All I know right now is that I don't want to try, I'm so damn tired of trying! But why bother turning up if I'm not able to even try? So I have created this situation, I am to blame. I should cope because I've caused it all, if i'd have talked that first session I wouldn't feel so lost now....but I couldn't talk.....

Sorry, messed up in my head, as usual!

[Sannah]

Abby, your feelings are involved and we cannot ignore our feelings and do what we think is best (unless we want a lot of struggle). If you go to therapy and talk about how you honestly feel you will be able to work through your feelings and this is a much better way to progress.

[alcira]

Abby, I totally get how you are feeling. I had a similar experience myself once. The first time I saw my T after a long break (a couple of months or so), we completely failed to connect. It was very discouraging but then I gathered the courage to talk about how I felt and tried to figure out what had gone wrong. It really helped to move forward and reconnect again.

So give your T a chance. Try to talk to her about how you are feeling. She is there to help you.

[Abby]

I'm going to go back and continue to try. I still have nothing to say and I still don't believe that there is anything worthwhile there anymore and I still feel really lonely/detached but I'm willing to try. I had a bad nightmare last night so I'm going to start there. That is easier than talking about 'real' life.

Thanks for the support.

[Sannah]

I'm so happy!

[Abby]

Originally Posted by Sannah

I'm so happy!

There is something still not right. I haven't discussed any of this with her again as I'm sure how to and I can't tell if it is important or not. When I've tried to practice in my head what I could say the best I can come up with is - 'something isn't right, i don't know what, or if it is even not right. I can't tell if it is important, or how it is making me feel, or if it is even related to you (therapist), but something is loose inside me and i can't tell what'. <<-- not exactly a helpful explanation is it?!

Apologies for re-posting on this thread, it is rather dull now I agree! I've been trying to just forget about it, and to tell myself that if I don't know what the problem is then it is hardly a problem! But i dunno, ever felt physically under the weather but not know why/how you feel that way? That is kinda what it is like but emotionally, not physically. Sorry again.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

- 'something isn't right, i don't know what, or if it is even not right. I can't tell if it is important, or how it is making me feel, or if it is even related to you (therapist), but something is loose inside me and i can't tell what'.

Abby this ^ is excellent!! If you already understood everything why would you need therapy? This is exactly what therapy is for, for you to take your questions there and have the therapist help you to explore. Please keep me posted.

[alcira]

Originally Posted by Abby

'something isn't right, i don't know what, or if it is even not right. I can't tell if it is important, or how it is making me feel, or if it is even related to you (therapist), but something is loose inside me and i can't tell what'.

Absolutely, do bring this up with her! I know it seems hard to talk about but it is so important. You don't have to know all the answer. You can try to work it out with her. She is there to help you.

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by Abby

There is something still not right. but something is loose inside me and i can't tell what'. <<-- not exactly a helpful explanation is it?!

Perhaps the loosening of the false self that held you togther whilst she was away??

[Abby]

Well it's not getting any easier/better but we have discussed things again. She feels (like many people have said on here already) that i'm feelings this way due to the recent break and she thinks perhaps I have lots of difficult feelings that are too painful to connect with right now. I'm still not entirely convinced of the validity of that theory, mainly because I can't imagine what difficult feelings it would stir up!....plus it kinda makes me sound like a wuss! But when I say that she says that is my punishing part speaking and the one she wants to listen is the part that doesn't have any words but know things aren't quite right. Gosh therapy is confusing! I have half a mind to give myself a slap for being so ridiculously pathetic and over-dramatic nevermind how she must feel having to endure listening to my drivel!

I'm not sure what is going on, nor if any of this is worth talking about. I may set myself a deadline to reconnect with her and if i've not by that point go solo again. She has tried to remind me that she can remember the me from before but i don't feel like that person anymore so i don't think it matters. If anything that just makes me feel awkward, like I've told some really good lies and now i've twisted myself so far in that i can't convince her of the opposite!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

She feels that i'm feelings this way due to the recent break and she thinks perhaps I have lots of difficult feelings that are too painful to connect with right now.

I can't imagine what difficult feelings it would stir up!....

plus it kinda makes me sound like a wuss!

But when I say that she says that is my punishing part speaking and the one she wants to listen is the part that doesn't have any words but know things aren't quite right.

I have half a mind to give myself a slap for being so ridiculously pathetic and over-dramatic nevermind how she must feel having to endure listening to my drivel!

I'm not sure what is going on, nor if any of this is worth talking about. I may set myself a deadline to reconnect with her and if i've not by that point go solo again.

She has tried to remind me that she can remember the me from before but i don't feel like that person anymore so i don't think it matters.

If anything that just makes me feel awkward, like I've told some really good lies and now i've twisted myself so far in that i can't convince her of the opposite!

Abby, I am soooooo happy that you are continuing to work with your T on this! This IS therapy!

It sounds like you are so unaccepting of where you are at? It is like you are thinking "I am here right now (psychologically/emotionally) and whereever it is it is so totally unacceptable!" It really makes therapy and healing easier if you can accept where you are at.

[Abby]

Sannah, you know that I am unacceptable. I'm never going to accept me. It is feeling rather hurtful to feel that i should 'accept' myself and not being able to because I am so bad inside. It tops up the guilt of my already evil persona...

But I do hear you when you say that what i'm going through IS therapy. I don't see it yet myself but my therapist has told me that too and it does make sense to me despite my quite obviously bias cognitive functioning.

I just hate it when anyone tells me I should accept myself...it makes me feel like screaming really loudly. I don't accept myself and quite frankly I never, ever will. If that is the end conclusion of therapy then I should just quit now because that will NEVER happen.

I don't just hate myself...it is beyond/deeper that. Quite frankly I'm sick of being me/it. I'm sorry, it is too hard to explain and it would be too pathetic to try. There are so many people on here fighting and caring...and here I am with the strongest support system (my family) and giving up the most.

I hate myself.

sorry....i know I shouldn't say this on this sub-forum. delete/edit as necessary.

[alcira]

Originally Posted by Abby

Sannah, you know that I am unacceptable. I'm never going to accept me. It is feeling rather hurtful to feel that i should 'accept' myself and not being able to because I am so bad inside. It tops up the guilt of my already evil persona...

I just hate it when anyone tells me I should accept myself...it makes me feel like screaming really loudly. I don't accept myself and quite frankly I never, ever will. If that is the end conclusion of therapy then I should just quit now because that will NEVER happen.

[..]
I hate myself.

Oh, Abby. I can absolutely relate to what you are saying. I've been feeling like that more and more as of late. Perhaps therapy won't seem so overwhelming or pointless, if you take the pressure off a little bit. Therapy is a journey (much like life is) and we don't always know where it will take us. Use it as an opportunity to explore these intense feelings that you are having, to share them with someone that would listen. I think part of therapy is trying to figure out why it is that you feel like you will never be able to accept who you are. Where is this all coming from? Part of therapy is to get a different perspective. So talk about these feelings with your T... I know it is hard and I know sometimes it is difficult to put into words but I've discovered that sometimes even saying things out loud provides you with a different point of view. Hang in there!

[Sannah]

And Abby I think that I know why you are choosing to never accept yourself. Because if you do you have to put the blame elsewhere and to you this is totally unacceptable (at this time at least).

Oh yeah, and I don't know that you are unacceptable. You are totally acceptable to me. I have been here for you on 2 forums because I see something very acceptable in you.

[Abby]

Thank you alcira, I absolutely appreciate your thoughts and advice. I do believe I need to take the pressure off...i think i'm so stuck that i'm willing myself to be where I'm not because i'm so sick of where i'm at. I will try my best to talk about these feelings with my therapist.

Sannah, i'm sorry if I sounded rude and angry in my last reply. I appreciate, beyond words, your continuous support and advice. Thankyou. I don't think i'm able to explain this enough.

Originally Posted by Sannah

And Abby I think that I know why you are choosing to never accept yourself. Because if you do you have to put the blame elsewhere and to you this is totally unacceptable (at this time at least).

I read this...

thank you for your support. It matters to me.