[Melbadaze]

Going through transference with T at the moment, I'm experiencing her as not being there for me, not helping me. Yesterday for the first time EVER in our therapy she used the word transference. I turned to her and said "but there was a time when there was no one there, and somehow it feels like your fault, I want to punch your face in", choking back tears, the ache went right up through my throat and this sudden awareness of life within my body hit me. I then said, but blaming you doesn't make sense, I think I added this to try and gain some composure to be honest I just wanted to blame her.

T replied, yes thats transference, it was your mother that wasn't there, I done a sarcastic laugh and said which one, mum 1 or mum 2, she said, possibly both.

This happened just as the session was ending, perhaps planned that way by me because feeling those unbearable feelings is, well, just quite unbearable, and I felt I would explode or run for the hills if she didn't do something quick, which she doesn't, in hindsight I know it takes more courage to "be" with someone through their darkest hour then to "fix" someone.

I came away from session with that unbearable feeling of having to cope with the anger on my own until next session on Monday. We'd also been talking about feelings and what are they? as I talked I felt myself getting frustrated in my brain because I dont know what a feeling is, and T pointed out that that was a feeling I was feeling right there, frustration, I went, huh? is that a feeling? then I guess feelings ain't all there cracked up to be? I could see T try and stifle a laugh by pinching her lips and I couldnt help but laugh and T then said and then you push frustration away with humour like now? Oh ok, she got me good.

I realised from yesterdays session just-how-much-I-avoid feeling, but I did feel something very uncomfortable at the end of session, those pre-verbal feelings of abandoment, that T so often tells me I have split off and projected into the world around me then experience them as coming back at me a 1000x worse, so I often feel afraid and unsafe in crowds because I project my feelings and think they are feelings other people are directing at me. Ok I get to a point, obviously need to talk more about that for that to truely sink it, become understandable.

So last night I feel full of fear and anger, understand that as feelings, and they terrified me, and I sat with this thought, how can feelings be so terrifying? but I couldnt stay to long with that and I emailed T in a frantic attempt to get someone there for me. She'd told me on monday that my emotional thermostat had been set to high, and I can't hear "help", I told her in the email that if someone was deaf would you not bother telling them things were ok or would you write in big clear letters? I said it feels as if your not bothering!! she replied saying that it was hard at the moment for her words to be of help because no matter what she says it may feel wrong at the moment because I am experiencing her words as critical like my mothers and anyways, sometimes words can feel to much, and perhaps her words in the email are to much? she said its hard for me because when I experience her as not being there I feel bad, but then when I am aware of her being there then I feel powerless and vulnerable and its for both of us to work to find a way for me to get my needs met and not for her to tell me because that would leave me powerless again.

I sort of knew what she meant, to be honest just reading the email helped calm me down, but I am becoming aware now of those most earliest of feelings, pre-verbal times, a time when a baby experiences but cannot think, so yes it must have felt like I felt yesterday in T that my body was going to explode on me.

[WePow]

(((((Melba))))) You have a great amount of inner strength to allow yourself to go through this right now. First, I am very sorry you are in this type of pain. But it sounds as though you know your T is right - logically. But it is your heart that is not making sense of the situation.

" so yes it must have felt like I felt yesterday in T that my body was going to explode on me. "

That is such an overwhelming emotion! But you stayed with it! You did not escape or hide it. It brought up anger and rage. And that emotion is rightfully yours. You have every single right in the universe to be angry about the emotions of abandonment. And it takes a very strong person to be able to stay with the emotions and allow them to be there with you.

Your T knows what you are doing, so go ahead and allow yourself to feel all this - even if it is directed at T. I did that with the rage and pain against my father. As I was going through my trauma healing, I would be positively livid at my T for the smallest thing. For example, at the end of one very hard session, he looked down at the floor rather than looking at me when I was already walking out the door. I turned around to see him one last time - just to make sure he was still "there" for me - but he was already gone. His eyes were down at the floor and he was preparing himself for his next client.

Oh boy did that tick me off!!! I went home and hit the pillow and wanted to punch T's lights out! I allowed myself to be angy with T and hate him for the rest of the night and part of the next day. Then after I had allowed all this anger to just exist with me, I started doing my therapy steps ( CBT ) and was able to locate the root of that experience. I knew it was transference but was not sure what it was about. But I was able to feel what that trigger reminded me of in the past and saw it had to do with how my dad would switch on me and my brothers. How he could be so full of love on second and the next second would be cruel beyond words. That type of a switching off (T looking down between clients) was the direct trigger.

But the only way I was able to process through that event was by allowing myself to feel all that rage and hate - even if I thought it was just being mad at my T at the time.

T's are trained on these things and they do not take these things personally. They know it is a part of the healing journey. I am very glad you were upset with your T and I betcha your T is very glad as well. They want those things to come to the surface because that is the only way to work through them.

Bottom line is - you did an excellent job with this!!!

[Abby]

Thanks for your insights on this forum Melbadaze, i do appreciate reading your experiences. I relate to many areas but I don't always have the words/understanding myself.