[googley]

I had a hard session tonight. It doesn't feel like it should have been hard, but after leaving I realized it was really draining. I don't know what is wrong. Why is this so hard?

[3velniai]

[deliquesce]

what makes you think it "should" have been one way or the other, googley?

i hope you're taking gentle care of yourself tonight and re-energizing after your session .

[googley]

Originally Posted by deliquesce

what makes you think it "should" have been one way or the other, googley?

i hope you're taking gentle care of yourself tonight and re-energizing after your session .

I feel like it should have been an easy session mostly because we were talking about happy memories, but they have just made me so angry. Worrying about my T being on the side of my abuser because my abuser did some nice things, and that somehow balances out all the bad stuff. Or that since she suffered abuse, that makes up for her behavior. That is what everyone else always says. It's always my fault that she gets angry because I didn't keep her calm and it is my fault that he said mean things. Though the word mean doesn't sound harsh enough. Maybe hateful things would be better. That I should just forgive her because of what she went through. Somehow that gives her a pass for all her behavior. Instead it becomes my fault because I can't forgive her. I become the bad one.

I need my T to be on my side. Everyone is always on her side. No one is ever on my side. I'm scared my T is going to say something like, there are no sides. But it really feels like there are sides. And no one is ever on my side. I wont be able to deal with it if my T is on her side too. It's making my stomach all upset. I don't want to be all alone with this all again. And I'll be all alone if my T is on her side. And it will all be too much.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Wow Googley, I have been here too (((((((((((((((( googley )))))))))))))))))
I told t in those words; I need for you to be on my side. The first time I told her she laughed (!) so I tried to escape the feelings by making it look funny;
but it was NOT funny, and the next week I brought it all back to her and said, you even laughed; I NEED YOU TO BE ON MY SIDE. That time I know she heard me, and took it seriously. hang in there

Originally Posted by googley

I need my T to be on my side. Everyone is always on her side. No one is ever on my side. I'm scared my T is going to say something like, there are no sides. But it really feels like there are sides. And no one is ever on my side. I wont be able to deal with it if my T is on her side too. It's making my stomach all upset. I don't want to be all alone with this all again. And I'll be all alone if my T is on her side. And it will all be too much.

This makes SO much sense to me. I have told T "I need you to be on MY side" more than once. And, thankfully, he looks right in my eyes and says "I *am* on your side" and I can breathe a little bit.

I'm on your side, googley

[Oceanwave]

Yes, there are sides, Googley. There is the abuser's side and the abused person's side. And your T will be on your side. Please bring this up with her so she can reasure you. We are on your side too. There is just no excuse for what happened to you in the past. Keep well, Googley!

[zooropa]

I've been in that place too, googley. Times when my T has encouraged me to be forgiving toward my mom, or to try to look at things from her point of view. It makes me feel like she's giving excuses for things my mom did. I guess I didn't even realize that's how I felt until you pointed it out. So thanks for that.
And I'm on your side too, googley. All the way.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by googley

I don't know what is wrong.

Why does something have to be wrong? You felt drained. That happens a lot to clients after therapy. It doesn't mean anything was wrong about your session. From your description, even though you talked of some happy things in therapy, there was a lot else going on. It sounds like you did some hard work and it is only natural you would feel drained from that afterwards.

Originally Posted by googley

It's always my fault that she gets angry because I didn't keep her calm and it is my fault that he said mean things.

Is your T saying this about your abuser, googley? Or is it that you are afraid she will say this? I do not think a T should say this to a client. If my T said this to me, I would feel like she was not on my side either. Can you clarify with your T that she really believes this? Could you have misunderstood or are interpreting some gesture from her or silence to mean she thinks what others have told you in the past? It might make things easier for you if you heard her say that she doesn't believe that.

[googley]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Why does something have to be wrong? You felt drained. That happens a lot to clients after therapy. It doesn't mean anything was wrong about your session. From your description, even though you talked of some happy things in therapy, there was a lot else going on. It sounds like you did some hard work and it is only natural you would feel drained from that afterwards.

Is your T saying this about your abuser, googley? Or is it that you are afraid she will say this? I do not think a T should say this to a client. If my T said this to me, I would feel like she was not on my side either. Can you clarify with your T that she really believes this? Could you have misunderstood or are interpreting some gesture from her or silence to mean she thinks what others have told you in the past? It might make things easier for you if you heard her say that she doesn't believe that.

Thank you everyone for your support. It means a lot to know all of you support me and are on my side.

Sunrise-
I have had other Ts pdocs who have ended up being on her side. I don't think that my T is on her side right now, but I'm worried she will be. I'm worried if I say anything good about her or about her problems then my T will be on her side like almost everyone else IRL. My dad who was there told me it was all my fault. How can someone who wasn't there not think it was my fault too? I'm just scared I wont be able to deal with it if she ends up on her side. I'll feel so unloved and alone. I need my T to be on my side.

[Gus1234U]

dear Googley,,, i had a terribly abusive childhood, and never even knew there were such things as therapist, even if i had i could never have trusted one. what i can tell you is,, there are skills you have learned, even if you don't see them now. you have learned to be observant, and to have self control, and to be concerned about your own wellbeing,, and many other things,, endurance, persistance, daring, and how to live with suffering, and not die from the horror of it all~~~ these are the things your tormenters unwittingly helped you to learn, practice and master~! for at least one hour a day, can you try to focus on what skills you have acquired, that have kept you safe and alive this long ? can you see how what seemed to be a curse has become a blessing? is there a way you can change the world by changing the way you look at it ? ooh, i hope so~!! you are precious to us~!! Gus

[sunrise]

OK, I understand better now, googley. Thanks. I think you have identified something really pivotal in your therapy that is holding you back. I believe you will get reassurance from your T if you can talk to her about this. If you believe she doesn't think your abuse was your fault, then it seems like it will open things up for you in therapy, allow you to trust more readily, share difficult material, devote less time to anxiety and worry over "what if" beliefs about your T, etc. Do you think you can share with her what you have written in this thread?

Originally Posted by googley

My dad who was there told me it was all my fault. How can someone who wasn't there not think it was my fault too?

I think it's the opposite. If they weren't there, they will be a step back and be able to be objective. They won't have a personal stake in it, like your Dad. Someone who wasn't there will see things more clearly than your Dad.

Originally Posted by googley

I have had other Ts pdocs who have ended up being on her side.

I don't even think Ts should be "taking sides" like this, so from what you've described, it sounds like they were not good practitioners. JMO based on what you've written. Does your current T seem like these other practitioners or different?

Originally Posted by googley

I'm worried if I say anything good about her or about her problems then my T will be on her side like almost everyone else IRL.

For myself, the "right/wrong" or "her side/my side" hasn't been a helpful way to look at things. That could be just me. Sometimes for me it has been helpful to view past events just as being what they were, and people as being what they were. For example, my mother was not ideal and caused me a lot of pain, etc. But she has somewhat of a messed up personality and she had a hard life as a child (SA by a family member). This affected her ability to function as an adult. This doesn't mean the actions she did towards her children were "right" though. Given the hand she was dealt, I believe she did pretty much the best she could with raising her children. That doesn't mean she did a good job, but just the best she could with her limitations. I think my T would agree with that, but that doesn't mean he is on "her side." I know your situation is different, googley, and that may not apply at all for you. But just thought I'd share what has and hasn't been helpful for me.

[Elana05]

Not sure if this is helpful...
Everyone heals differently.
After three years of therapy right now I know I am not out of the anger part yet. I know that my goal is to move toward "letting go" and intellectually I can see it. Both of my parents were abused by their own parents as children, yes. So, mistakes were made. It was what it was. But I spent 20+ years of my life standing up for my parents, being there for them, being the "best" daughter I could be, enabling them, and never presenting any my own needs (after doing it a few times and repeatedly being shut down). There is a reason that number one on the Al Anon laundry list is "guessing what normal is." When I went into therapy for the first time and told my T some of the things that were "normal" in my house and she acted "shocked," well it turned my world upside down. So... I am now reserving my own time to be angry about the things that happened. Because I was never allowed to be angry before. And it has helped to have someone point out to me that it is OK to be angry and the things that happened were hurtful. For me, I guess I just know I need to pass through this point before letting go. I hope to not stay here. But I know this is a crucial place.

[jexa]

((((((googley)))))))

[WePow]

((((((((((Googley)))))))))) Let YOUR T know that you have these concerns. Those of us who have been abused understand what you are feeling right now. It is very wrong that the perps end up being able to charm their way into having people refuse to see the monsters they are inside. Yes, you do need a T who is on YOUR side. You are paying T to be on your side for one! For the other, any T who is worth anything at all will stand up for those who are abused.

BIG safe hugs to you!

[googley]

Thank you everyone. I still feel like this:. But you all make me feel a little better, a little less alone. I need my T to believe how bad it was. It was all emotional abuse. There was never any proof. Nothing to make anyone believe me. All alone.

[little*rhino]

((((((((((((googley)))))))))))))

sunrise has some very good points there sugar.. you need to remember some things that may help... but be gentle about it, BE the adult that puts the interests of your younger self first... just like the real adults should have. Don't wait until you feel better... be the loving parent to yourself right now.

you do need to write all those thoughts down and take them to your T when you can... the only way is through

but... since you are writing them down... try some trust exercises. For each statement ask yourself questions like - what makes this true or not true, how can I tell, what has my T said or done that is different than others, what do I believe about her intentions?

you can attempt something a 100 times and even if you fail 99 times, it doesn't mean you WILL fail on the 100th try. WHat i mean is, that even if your interpretations of everyone else prior to now is absolutely correct and they weren't on your side it does not mean that is how your T is.

what would you feel and think if you could 100% prove to yourself this second that she was even MORE on your side than you are afraid of? i am guessing that some of the fear comes from doubting your own self goog... not just T. You're doing what we all do... you seek validation externally... because you aren't really being on your own side yet. If can accept your own truth for what you know it to be, regardless of what anyone in your history says - then you are on your own side... make sense?

i remember being at the point at which someone talked to me about forgiveness of an abuser. i feel no need... i feel nothing towrd him so there is nothing to let go of with respect to him. But it did bother me that people look at the history of an abuser and you're right... victims are left feeling negated by that. But... now? Now i see it a bit differently. People try to make things make tidy sense and abuse doesn't make good sense. People want to try to understand and put things in mental boxes so they seek reasons for someone's behaviour. Take heart goog... i don't think the majority of people equate that with truly negating you or your experiences...

the moment i began to look for how i could come to accept my own truth is the moment i stopped feeling as bad about what others would call it or call me. You will **always** be able to find people out there who will say your experiences aren't any big deal or whatever... no matter how bad, there is some wing nut somewhere who thinks it is just fine. i've read of villages stoning children for csa... women being punished for being attacked... etc etc etc... if you doubt your own truth then you will easily find the "signs" that others aren't on your side

Embrace your own truth goog. Be the loving parent to yourself. Give yourself what you long for from others.

we're on your side

peace

[googley]

Sorry for bringing back this thread from the past. (ok, it wasn't that long ago, but it seems like it, and I feel bad about bringing it up.)

I was reading one of Granite's posts and I realized what she said rang true for me. Part of why last session was so hard. I'm (unlogically) afraid that my T is going to tell me to just get over what has happened. That I should be fine with what has happened and just remember the good stuff. That I shouldn't be bothered by the bad stuff. Being that I have received this response from clinical staff (in the hospital) in the past the fear doesn't seem that unreasonable.

I feel like I should call her and leave her a message to let her know. I don't know that I can tell he face to face. But I already called her to let her know that I need her to be on my side. And I don't usually call. I didn't ask for/didn't need a call back. But I don't feel like I can call her twice in one week. As I hardly ever call.

Plus I'm back to being scared she wont be there when I go in to see her.

Scared. There needs to be a scared smiley.

[Oceanwave]

It's important information that you are feeling fear. Where does this fear come from? Who abandoned you in the past and didn't take your side? What exactly are you afraid of in the present and future?
While you are waiting to see T perhaps it would help to explore and understand these feelings. If leaving a voice mail message helps do that: it will probably clarify things for you if you just articulate what you are going through.

[jexa]

Why don't you write T a letter about this, googley? Sometimes that helps me think through what is going on. Then if I decide if I want to send it to T or if I have my thoughts together enough that I can just tell her in person. I think it's really important that you tell T about this.

[zooropa]

(((((googley)))))

[googley]

Originally Posted by Oceanwave

It's important information that you are feeling fear. Where does this fear come from? Who abandoned you in the past and didn't take your side? My dad didn't protect me when my mom abused me. Then he told me that it was my fault. That it was my job to keep her calm so she wouldn't abuse me. That it was my job to take care of her. When I was attacked at school, no one did anything to help me. Not my T at that time, the school, anyone. When I did tell my parents what happened, they expected me to support them.
What exactly are you afraid of in the present and future? I'm afraid that she is just going to tell me to get over it. That because my mom has her own problems it excuses her behavior. That I should just forgive everything because of that. Once again it is my responsibility to make things up to her.

I guess mostly I'm just projecting my anger around these other situations on to her. I feel so mixed up inside. So hurt and vulnerable.
While you are waiting to see T perhaps it would help to explore and understand these feelings. If leaving a voice mail message helps do that: it will probably clarify things for you if you just articulate what you are going through.

I just want someone to care about me more than they care about her. It feels like no one ever cares about what I need. Her needs are always more important.

I tried calling my T and leaving a message. But all I could get out was that I was in a bad place, and then I hung up. I know she will be calling tomorrow because she needs to tell me when we are having our session this week. I don't know if I want to pick up (assuming I'm available when she calls). I know my message was just a mess. After I said it I just wanted to take it back.

[mixedup_emotions]

((( googley ))) I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time. I can imagine how incredibly painful it is to feel so slighted in so many ways. I can relate to a lot of that. It should not be a competition, yet so many times it feels that way. It's something I struggle with, because it's what I was exposed to growing up. In my case, it was my sister...so hard...(( HUGS ))

[Sannah]

Googley, I really hope that you tell your T this stuff in session. It sounds like you really understand right now why the last session was so distressing and for you to continue to talk to T about this will be extremely helpful. Please keep us posted?

[Oceanwave]

Googley,

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. It must be so hard -- it is heartbreaking just to read it. All I can say is that it's terrible what happened in the past. It was definitely NOT your fault that you were abused and there is no excuse for it. I understand you don't want this to be repeated and you don't want your T to say just get over it. Can you print out your thread and take it to your session? I think it would be really important for your T to understand what you are struggling with. She doesn't realise that all this turmoil is happenind inside you, in her absence. You need to feel that she is on your side, please tell that to her. I am so sorry you are in so much distress right now. Is there anything positive that you can give yourself while you are waiting for your appoitment? What would give you relief from all this pain until then? Would it help to know that if you just tell her everything, she definitely WILL be on your side? Because I am positive that she will.