first, i'm sorry - i know i'm all take and no give right now. i promise it will get better.

i really need to vent though.

i sent t an e-mail last night and asked for a response and he never responded. we have a deal where IF i ask for a response he always responds.

i'm sure he has a good reason for not responding, really. he wouldn't just ignore me. but omg, after the session we just had it feels AWFUL. it feels like i'm bad and needy and gross and like t wishes i would just go away

i don't WANT to be mad at t. i KNOW t cares about me.

but part of me wonders....did i tell him too much? it is finally just TOO MUCH?

when it happened i was the exact same age his daughter is now. maybe the countertransference thing is too icky and he wants me to go away.

spiral spiral spiral

[jexa]

((((tree)))) no no no, this is not countertransference. This is, T didn't get to his email. Be gentle -- think of how you'd feel if someone else told you this information -- you would be so careful and gentle with them. Just like you know T will be, as soon as he reads what you sent him!

[seventyeight]

tree, no! i can say with 99.9% certainty that something has come up - something that has NOTHING to do with you, so it's ok. you're ok, and your t will get back to you when he can..

[Dr.Muffin]

awwww....im so sorry tree! but dont spiral...stomp those ANTS! *hugs*

[googley]

((((((((Tree)))))))))

T will get back to you. He cares about you. He wouldn't abandon you. Hold on to the knowledge that he cares. I know it is hard. But you can do it.

[zooropa]

I have had those same thoughts, tree, after a session where I did a big disclosure and then my T made some incidental mistake. I always, always, always think it is because I finally said the thing that made her not like me anymore. The only thing that has ever helped is telling her that's what I was thinking, and hearing her response.

I'm so glad you see T tomorrow. I hope in the meantime that you will read the posts here and know they are true. Your T cares about you. He will not abandon you, not now, not ever. You will be okay.

[darkrunner]

Originally Posted by treehouse

i'm sure he has a good reason for not responding, really. he wouldn't just ignore me.

I hope you are listening to this wise, rational part of yourself, Treehouse!

But ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why does the timing have to be so crappy!

Biggest hug ever:
(((((((((((((((((((((((Treehouse))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[WePow]

(((((Tree)))) I hope you can connect soon with your T. Remember how T is in truth... how he has always tried his very hardest to be a solid rock for you. Allow yourself to have a little bit of trust that you deserve to enjoy right now with this one relationship. If he doesn't reply today, call him up and leave a msg if you need to do so. You two have an agreement and that is a part of your therapy. Big hugs!

[googley]

((((((((((((Tree))))))))))
I hope you hear from your T soon.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( HUGS ))))

I know how easy it is to let those negative thoughts take over, and the awfulness it brings....I hope your T calls you back soon....In the meantime, please try to keep yourself busy. And hold onto what you know - which is that T cares. He said that to you even after all the yuckiness was exposed. He needs you to know that....And I do too. I care! (( HUGS ))

I saw him this morning. Or rather, he saw me. I hid behind my hands the whole time.

Anyhow, he didn't see the e-mail. I believe him. He said that especially with what's going on right now, he would have responded for sure, even if it was just to say "I can't reply now, but will when I have time" or whatever.

i HATE therapy right now. I HATE it. It's way way way too hard. Way. Too. hard.

[rainbow8]

tree:

I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now, but it WILL get better. I knew your T would have a valid reason for not responding to your email. I hope you can do something nice for yourself today!

[googley]

(((((((((Tree))))))))))))

I hate cyber-space sometimes. (but without it we wouldn't have PC)

I'm so sorry that everything is so hard right now. I know you have been so strong. I can sense the pain through your posts. It seems so unfair that this is still causing you so much distress. I wish that I could come and take all the pain away from you.

Please keep taking care of yourself. You deserve it. Know that we are here for you too.

[googley]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I saw him this morning. Or rather, he saw me. I hid behind my hands the whole time.

Your comment reminded me of a session of mine a couple of weeks ago when I told T that all I wanted to do was hide. She said that I was already hiding behind my stuffed animal and that she wanted to see more of my face, as I wanted her to see less of me. I thought to myself "keep wishing." It is okay to hide.

[sittingatwatersedge]

last week I had to put down my computer satchel to find something in a book I ahd brought to session and T looked at it and commented that no one could keep that big thing on their lap
and I thought, oh yeah? I've done it before, and I'm sure I will again.
I think we're all related, PC folk

[RiverX]

Originally Posted by treehouse

first, i'm sorry - i know i'm all take and no give right now. i promise it will get better.

i really need to vent though.

i sent t an e-mail last night and asked for a response and he never responded. we have a deal where IF i ask for a response he always responds.

i'm sure he has a good reason for not responding, really. he wouldn't just ignore me. but omg, after the session we just had it feels AWFUL. it feels like i'm bad and needy and gross and like t wishes i would just go away

i don't WANT to be mad at t. i KNOW t cares about me.

but part of me wonders....did i tell him too much? it is finally just TOO MUCH?

when it happened i was the exact same age his daughter is now. maybe the countertransference thing is too icky and he wants me to go away.

spiral spiral spiral

Isnt this the thing we do tho. Its like ~ is this how it is? ~ we hang ourselves over the ravine, to see if T. is trustworthy, ie you took a risk, shared a lot, and its like 'there you go, he didnt have the integrity stand by you, there, he backed off!'
Isnt it that the very thing we want is to go the the place where we're very vulnerable, and have the person prove trustworthy ~ as an anti-dote to the betrayals that have caused our original foundations to be weak?
We need/ want to prove trust...

But then, iether they dont have that intunedness to be able to respond, or a technical blip, or ..... ~~ so many possibilities. But in the meanitme, you're over a cliff by your finger tips, every moment is in hock to this damn thing... thats how it has been for me. Im glad to be reminded and to look back on it, and one day you will too.
I did this so many time myself. Im interested in this very experience because Im wrting about it also at this time.
I dont think this urgency is understood by Ts. However, I know exactly what its like. Hang in there, you'll find out what the ~ bleep~ happened. But I know that experience sucks when you're in it. Oh B.!!

.... and you'll know from this, that you will honour your promises and help those whe depend on you to feel secure

[RiverX]

Oh, ok, I just read the other post, ... glad you're out of that. But I think people go thro this stuff so much.

[BlackCanary]

Just want to send along a soft pillow for you to hug and cry into as needed.
Tomorrow is the 15th - halfway there

[gelfling]

(((((((((((((((treehouse)))))))))))))) - you have been so brave - keep fighting for you - and we are here for you what ever you need and for as long as you need

[jexa]

((((((tree)))))))) I can't even imagine what you're going through. So hard. So so so hard.