what a wasted session

me (facetously): so - you spent 3 wks in Europe - whadja bring me?
T: I didn't bring anyone anything.
me:I didn't expect you to; I just thought if I had to suffer through the stinkin' transference, i could at least get a present out of it.
T: (laughs)
Me: But tell me, did you see ______? (something I would LOVE to see)
T: This is therapy; we have a therapeutic relationship here, not just a friendly one, and you are supposed to be the one talking, SAWE. Of course I could spend this whole hour telling you about my trip, if that's you want, is that what you want?
me: Oh no, far be it from me to ask you to step outside your professional function far enough to say anything to ME about your 3 wk vacation abroad.

that was just for openers.

We talked about imago theory and I said, when I brought this up you said, "oh this is really big" and I need to know, does that mean it was a big breakthrough for me? or just that it's a big subject? she said, it's a big subject.
Oh. Never mind.

we talked about imago... I said how it seems to negate the idea of love - you don't really love that person, unconsciously you recognize them as a compilation of the worst traits of your parents, who were your first and real loves; and you say unconsciously, I grew up in hell and THIS is the person who can help me reconstruct it - boy this is the one for me!!! it seems so sad, so unfair.
She was amused by what I said - and I hate her for that.

She's still wanting me to read and understand imago theory even though it's used for couples therapy and there's only one of this couple who will ever consider having therapy. I asked, will it help me understand him better so things will improve betweenus? Will it help me to understand myself better so I can change somehow to make things better, since you keep telling me I can only change myself? and she went and said, you will find it interesting.

I dont want interesting, T; i want helpful, I want healing. The hour felt more like 5 minutes and the next thing I knew it was "we have to stop now". I told her, "I am very unhappy". I should have said, this hour was a complete waste of my time. I am unhappy with YOU. But of course... in the moment... nothing. Today..... depressed ..........

((((((((((((Sitting))))))))))))) omg Wow. I am so sorry for this! I think T's take breaks and forget how to be a T !!! Sending big hugs to you!!!

(((sawe))) sorry you had a crappy meeting!

(((((((((((SAWE)))))))))

Hopefully next session you can tell her how upset you were with her.

(((((((SAWE)))))))

I'm sorry you had a session like that. It sounds terrible. Is T usually more understanding? It hurt me to read about it.

SAWE,

I'm sorry your session felt so awful. I think your t could be a little friendlier and not so clinical. Sure, it's a therapeutic relationships, but come on. . .she can't tell you anything at all about her trip? She sounds strictly clinical. Have you ever talked to her about how it makes you feel?

SAWE, I'm sorry you and your T "missed" each other so badly during the session and you don't feel you got anything out of it.

I would read some Imago, maybe Hendrix's book, just to see what the heck she's talking about; it's not just for couples, it's about our individual role in "relationships" so yes, being in a relationship already helps but it's practiced with parents/child too, as that's when the "imago" is formed. It probably could be applied to T/client relationship, maybe she's doing that. http://www.therapy4couples.com/imago-theory.html

She also apologized up and down for interrupting me to comment on something I was telling her. I didn't feel that she had interrupted - and even if she had, I told her to please go ahead and do that any time, I want to hear what her reacttions are; but she wouldn't leave it there, she would apologize again. That was strange.

She is usually not "clinical", her usual style is very open and easygoing. Maybe I have been pushing that too much lately? no idea. I would say maybe it was leakage from the client before me, but now that I think of it, she came iinto the bldg while I was waiting and went right through to her office saying, give me just a second, and in fact I went in about 10 min late and she wrapped up right on time, so on top of all the disconnects I got shorted some time. Heyyy !!!

Maybe she was having a bad day (not that **I** would ever try to mindread anyone, of course) She did relent and answer my question. It only took two minutes maybe.

I ordered two Harville Hendrix books from library, will get them tonight. It's not the reading, maybe I was hoping to hear that it was some kind of breakthrough and it wasn't.
I know I really wanted to hear that this could realy help my relationship with DH, we could use it.

Maybe she's sick of me now.

PS "Harville Hendrix" is a fun name.
HARRRRRR VILLLLLLLE !!!!!!! Yoo git in this house right NOW!!!!!!!!
Yes, Momma.....

yikes! did she really say that? seems super harsh to me. i don't think i could recover (during the session). my therapist made a slightly "mean" face yesterday, and i felt myself shutting down. can't imagine what it would be like to actually hear something like what your therapist said.

and did you really say this? at this point, i'm going say good for you, sawe!

so.. i'm guessing you didn't get to the eye-contact thing..

His first name's Harville? Poor thing. My brother told me about an airman in the air force with him, he went by P.D. and no one knew what the initials stood for. But then he was getting out and someone saw his records and his mother had named him Precious Darling!

It's tough when you feel a session was wasted.

However, I know good T's that work hard at keeping the session on track and about the patient/client! The comment about if that was really what you wanted to do with your session sounds like you have bigger issues to work on, and perhaps have even felt like you don't get much done in sessions... or that you often use other topics to avoid the ones you really need therapy help with?

Therapy is work.
Every T knows that every client is at least a little interested in the T's personal life, and esp use a vacation as an excuse to find out more. It's normal, nothing wrong with that at all, we are all humans. However, the T has to set and hold the boundaries, and the T does that by assessing the patient's needs first.

I do hope you have some better results in future sessions though.

Oh!!! Seventy eight!!!! You just sent me right from to

you PC folks... you are the BEST!!!

yes, I'm afraid she did, and yes I did, I launched right into sarcasm mode. Not very good.

SAWE,

So sorry you felt that your session was crapola. Some sessions are better than others and some are just not that great.

I get the impression that your feelings were hurt when you expressed genuine interest and delight in your T's vacation and she/he turned it around on you. Perhaps, if she/he had simply said, "I had a great time and it's certainly good to see you - now tell me how you have been?" Maybe, this would have felt more warm, open, polite, and a genuine invitation to begin the session.

I see this as a wonderful opportunity to discuss how you felt (hmmm I feel vulnerability coming on) at your last session. Using an "I" statement you could:
"I felt hurt and angry over how I perceived our last session started. I asked you a question about your trip, and the response I received (insert here) felt dismissive (insert word here). I would appreciate, like, want, if you would (insert here) in the future."

I find that using "I" statements to be very difficult because it really makes us own our own feelings and yes, our vulnerabilities as well. But, whenever I have enough courage to use an "I" statement, I reap the rewards several times over. Hugs, Laurie

Hi Laurie,

i am compiling a list of "I" statements related to yesterday's session
however
it is becoming a bit of a pattern

it takes me a while to process stuff. T keeps telling me that I am to say "in the moment" things like, wait, what did you mean by that? or say, my feelings are hurt - but in the moment I can't seem to do it, I have to process for a while .

So we have a session,
and the next time I see her, there are usually a LOT of paragraphs that begin, "the last time I was here, you said" or similar.
Won't this drive her batty after a while? Are we having the same conversations twice or three times over all the time? I feel like I am faiilig at therapy. Maybe I could get a hat that reads FAThead (Failing At Therapy)

sometimes i wish we could just give them a swift kick in the shin on the way out

sawe I feel the same frustration as you do in terms of 'processing time' and feeling like you are talking about the same things sometimes in therapy. Hoping you will be able to discuss this at your next appt.

on the contrary, when I went out she gave me a sweet hug. That made me feel like a real ingrate on top of failure.

don't mind me, I guess I am just in my "lab rat" frame of mind. The maze gets to me sometimes... round and round...... but it should pass. I hope!!

Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch. What a way to start the session!

SAWE, I know you are disappointed with the session. And I think you didn't like the sparring nature of the conversation? I am wondering if your conversations with your T often have that sparring, combative feel to them? And if so, is that your T's style? Yours? Do you want your interactions to be otherwise? (I don't want to assume "yes", because I know some people thrive on dischord. A friend from NY once told me the people in my part of the country were boring because we didn't argue with each other enough.)

There just seemed a lot of disconnect there--not only in the opening spar, but for example when she was amused by your comments about Imago therapy. Why? Did she elaborate? When someone is amused at my expense and doesn't explain (let me in on the joke), it can feel bad. Why would she do that? Was it just more of that sparring style?

Seems like you would understand better if when you told her your interpretation, she wouldn't just express amusement (at your erroneous interpretation?) but would explain to you how the therapy works and how your explanation was off the mark.

Reading about your session made me think of an exercise my T had me do once. He had me make a list of times I had been angry in my past and how I would have liked those interactions to turn out instead. It made me think, how would I have wanted things to go? I'm wondering if it would be informative for your T if you told her how you would have liked that opening conversation to go. It just seems like she was unnecessarily touchy and pushing you away when you tried to connect. It seems like it would have been pretty easy for her to respond in a different way to make the conversation not have that battle aspect to it....

Amen!

Poor precious!!!!

(((((SAWE)))) I'm sorry to here you are having such a negative experience in therapy and that the session was a waste...

Dearest SAWE,

Many of us are not "instant processors" - I know I'm not! It might take me a few days to say, "Hey, that was a bunch of BS!" The point is that you did process your feelings in session - but instead of coming from an authentic place, you masqueraded your feelings in the form of sarcasm. Sarcasm is the ultimate weapon to keep people from knowing our hurts.

If you notice yourself becoming uncomfortable, angry or upset when you are with your T, it is perfectly acceptable to say, "I need to think on that - give me a minute please".

The hardest thing about "I" statements is that the use of the word "you" is minimal. Try out this formula:

I feel:
because or when:
I want:

Example: I feel hurt and dismissed, because when I asked you about your trip it seemed like you cut me off. I would like to be able to express my curiosity and not be shut down with comments such as. . .

More on "I" or "feeling" statements:

http://bpd.about.com/od/communicatio...lStatement.htm

Your T's response to your "I" statement will be interesting. Will your T acknowledge your feelings? Will your T become defensive? (We are all human, but we do have the right to expect our T's to be our mentors when it comes to communications skills - the very foundation upon which our recovery rests.

I know of no failures in therapy except those who really don't want to be in therapy or being in any type of therapy which is clearly not therapeutic.

Many hugs from me to you! Laurie

Ugh, sawe! First sessions after a break can be so tough...it would feel SO good to feel connected and to have a disconnect is disappointing. I've definitely had my share of crappy post-break sessions.

I think my T uses imago in our (his and my) relationship. He has talked about how it can be applied to any intimate relationship. I watched the founders of imago on youtube and they totally gave me the giggles. They were apparently demonstrating the principles of imago (mirroring, empathy) while describing it. It was something like:

Him: Sometimes couples have a hard time communicating.
Her: I'm hearing you say that communication can be really tough!
Him: Yes, exactly. Mirroring and empathy are two things that can help with that.
Her: So, mirroring and empathy are two ways to help improve communication!

I KNOW imago is really useful and good. But the video was too funny. My T is very into imago and when I told him about the video and made fun of it he didn't seem amused. Oops

I hope your next session is better

So this is mirroring, eh? Maybe the mirror is like one of those in a "fun house"?

You folks are all so kind and supportive. thanks!!!!

I posted something about imago therapy in a thread called "inbuilt sensors".

yes, one thing that struck me about Hendrix is that he and his wife "divorced" and with all his supposed insight and knowledge, he couldn't / didn't patch it up with her. Physician heal thyself....................