It was so good to see T today and tell him about my hard day yesterday. He knows me so well, and I know he totally got it. And he said all of the right things to kind of soothe me and make me feel cared for.

He helped me realize that the amazing thing is that I FELT MY FEELINGS yesterday. It was a sad, overwhelming day, and I just let it be that, instead of pushing it away since it was "supposed" to be a really happy day. Something was said that really brought up my history and triggered me and I didn't "leave" or completely freak out or deny it. I just felt it, and tried to deal with it.

And *I* realized, driving home from therapy, that I think I was able to do that because we are finally, finally, finally, finally talking about October. I've felt some of the October feelings for the first time - the REAL feelings, not the ones that result from making myself crazy running away, or making myself physically sick with so much denial. I was so scared that if I ever talked, or felt those feelings, I would split into a million pieces, or end up in the hospital, or something. I thought it would be too much to bear.

And it has been HORRIBLE. Facing this stuff, talking about it, having T know, feeling all of it has been the hardest thing I've done in therapy in a lot of ways - I really don't think I *could*have done it before now. I had to have a lot of coping skills and history with T and experience processing other trauma and trust first.

But now, it's like...I let myself dip into feeling the worst feelings ever, and I survived. I SURVIVED. And life continued, and I went running, and played music, and went to the grocery store and the world didn't end. And because of that, I knew I could be present this weekend and just experience what was right there in front of me, instead of trying to turn it into something else. It was still hard, but I did it.

I told T in a phone message that I thought healing would look like...I don't know, happiness and sunshine and rainbows or something. I didn't know it would look like being sad when I'm sad, but it does. I guess, for me, it's just being able to be with what's happening, and feel what I'm feeling, and stay present, and cope, and reach out if I need to, and keep moving forward.

It's crazy how therapy works. Just when I think I'm going to be consumed by the darkness, I'm surprised by the sun.

[rainbow8]

tree, that was a beautiful post!! I don't have words to say more except I was moved by reading it. I'm glad you're healing.

[zooropa]

that IS beautiful. There's no other way to say it. thank you, tree. I know those words will mean a lot to other people who are going through the dark right now. Thank you.

[mixedup_emotions]

((((( hugs ))))))

[sunrise]

Learning you can survive is BIG.

I agree, there was beauty in your post. I really liked this part:

Originally Posted by treehouse

I told T in a phone message that I thought healing would look like...I don't know, happiness and sunshine and rainbows or something. I didn't know it would look like being sad when I'm sad, but it does.

Seems very wise, profound, etc. Like you have discovered a big, big truth. Maybe one day we stop looking for the butterflies and sparklers and just go about out lives and then surprise, surprise, there is the sun. And we feel the healing.

One of my fave koans: Barn's burnt down, now I can see the sun.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I was so scared that if I ever talked, or felt those feelings, I would split into a million pieces, or end up in the hospital, or something. I thought it would be too much to bear.

And it has been HORRIBLE. Facing this stuff, talking about it, having T know, feeling all of it has been the hardest thing I've done in therapy in a lot of ways - I really don't think I *could*have done it before now.

(((((((Tree))))))) yeah - and i don't have words - words don't convey... your fears - all of it - that is where i am at. You always seem to be one step ahead of me. Thank you for being the leader, the model for me - the fears... you doing it... what it is REALLY like... your getting through it. Thank you for sharing your life.

[WePow]

(((((((Tree)))))) You are right, this is YOUR BIG STEP!!! You really are doing the therapy. And you did have to get a solid foundation under you before you could do this.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( dear Tree )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

hugs and big smiles for you. this is wonderful. HARD!! but wonderful.

[phoenix7]

(((Treehouse)))))

i see you moving forward al the time and i am so proud of you my friend - you ahve such courage