[Melbadaze]

Part of my story from growing up was that I didn't cry, that my adoptive mother would often find me awake in my cot having thrown all the covers out but she hadn't heard a thing, that I;d always slept through feeds. T says the throwing of everything out of the cot was my recreating my abandoment, and like most children that learn that when things go away they eventually come back, my experience had been that they don't.

T is away next week and on Monday she mentioned it, of course I became enraged that she was trying to make my anger I was feeling that day to be about the break, she sat looking at me as I threw this accusation at her, and even I deep down knew it was about the break too. The thing is T has always said I don't "protest", well more so in the early days of my therapy. So I let myself feel the anger about next weeks break, email her monday night, tuesday morning, and then I email her and say "I know your not going to not take a break, I KNOW THAT!! but I need you to answer me, to help me understand, I said I feel like a small child holding onto their parents leg begging them to not go" T replied,

"Dear Melba

> Of course you want to say don't go, and I can understand the feelings that go with those words. The fact that you can say it shows how far you have moved from your relationship with your mother, where things like that couldn't be said.
>
> I can see how much this all confuses you and hurts you. And I still have to go, even knowing that. I think that probably feels cruel, perhaps as cruel as some of the things your mother said to you. What is different is that we can talk about it.
>
> It may not always feel possible, but I think you can survive this by holding on to the me inside you.
>
> Love,
> xxxx"

There was something soothing about the sentence "I still have to go even knowing that", I can't explain it, its like I was afraid of my own demands and she showed me that my demands aren't scary and they are ok...I felt my whole chest relax as I read that and then I wanted to cry. T is right I could never tell my adoptive mother anything like that she would have attacked me for it, but T's response was so gentle, and honest but caring that it changed something inside of me. I'd never been so openly "Needy" before, very afraid, but it was worth speaking the words in my head no matter how immature they seemed to me, they got a result, a new experience.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

There was something soothing about the sentence "I still have to go even knowing that", I can't explain it, its like I was afraid of my own demands and she showed me that my demands aren't scary and they are ok..

Very good insight! In dysfunctional families our parents are so darn fragile and wounded that normal childhood needs just overwhelm them and they cannot handle them at all. It was nice that you saw that your normal needs could be met without hurting anyone.........

[WePow]

Melba, keep going deeply with your emotions on this one!! I sense you are making BIG progress!!! Thank you for sharing this!!

[doogie]

Thanks for sharing this. I had a similar situation a few weeks ago. I basically expressed the same sentiment "Don't go!" Of course she did, but she understood. I, too, felt like clingy child but like you said - it was ok. It was ok to express that. Proud of you (but sorry your T is going away for a bit).

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Very good insight! In dysfunctional families our parents are so darn fragile and wounded that normal childhood needs just overwhelm them and they cannot handle them at all. It was nice that you saw that your normal needs could be met without hurting anyone.........

Good point Sannah!!

Originally Posted by doogie

Thanks for sharing this. I had a similar situation a few weeks ago. I basically expressed the same sentiment "Don't go!" Of course she did, but she understood. I, too, felt like clingy child but like you said - it was ok. It was ok to express that. Proud of you (but sorry your T is going away for a bit).

Thanks, feels validating when others "get it".