[skeksi]

So T and I have been talking about getting angry at my abuser, but I have been fighting it every step of the way. Last week I was willing to admit I am so angry sometimes I wish I could get revenge and hurt him. Admitting that felt so shameful, like it was proof that I am a bad horrible awful person who deserves to be punished. My abuser taught me all that, of course, but it just feels like truth at this point.

So this week I tried to revisit the topic with T, but I wouldn't. I wouldn't discuss any other topic either--I was just sitting in that painful stuck place. T suggested I was keeping myself stuck, retraumatizing myself by not letting myself move out of that place into anger. Ouch, that hurt to hear.

Everybody gets angry, even me. I can accept that, or not. Which do I want to do? I am terrified to accept my anger.

It was a hard session. This feels impossible. I feel broken.

[Dr.Muffin]

its interesting that anger expressed seems to have less power than anger bottled up. i hope you can get to a place where you can allow yourself to express...you were wronged and ought to be angry about it. it doesnt make you bad, it just makes you human. *hugs*

(((((((((((((skeski)))))))))))))))

Anger scares me too.

My T tells me that anger is a normal, natural emotion...just like any other emotion. And he says that emotions and feelings are there to give us information.

When I feel flashes of anger at my abusers and I stop to wonder what it's telling me, I think what it's telling me is that I deserved better. That's a tough thought for me...it goes against everything I've ever been taught. I tend to get stuck right there, and I think that's basically where I'm stuck again right now.

I wonder what your anger is telling you?

I'm sorry your session was so painful. ((((((((((skeski)))))))))))

[Miracle1986]

I agree getting angry is scary.
Any new, different emotions scare the hell out of me

[notablackbarbie]

getting angry can also be scary because of losing control...

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by skeksi

I am terrified to accept my anger.

This ^ seems like a good place to start? Can you delve into this more?

Originally Posted by skeksi

T suggested I was keeping myself stuck, retraumatizing myself by not letting myself move out of that place into anger.

I disagree with this. You are not choosing to remain stuck and retraumatize yourself. You are stuck because you are scared.

[Melbadaze]

I don't feel your stuck ,sounds like your mourning and feeling anger is part of that and the lenght of time we remain in each part is different For all people and actually moving in and out of anger is normal. Perhaps you need to be allowed to just be with the anger and have someone sit with you with it to show you its not destructive is just normal.

[WePow]

((((skeksi))))) I totally understand and feel it when you use the word "broken" ... that has been my description of my insides since starting this trauma work. BIG safe hugs to you. I just wanted you to know that I did understand THAT word.

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by Dr.Muffin

its interesting that anger expressed seems to have less power than anger bottled up.

That's so true. Whenever I am ashamed of saying something, once I get it out and talk about it, it's better. So anger is probably the same way.

Originally Posted by treehouse

When I feel flashes of anger at my abusers and I stop to wonder what it's telling me, I think what it's telling me is that I deserved better. That's a tough thought for me...it goes against everything I've ever been taught. I tend to get stuck right there, and I think that's basically where I'm stuck again right now.

I wonder what your anger is telling you?

Oh, tree, that's something I need to think about. And when I write down for myself, why am I angry? I know the answer is, "Because I didn't deserve to be hurt."

That's a scary thing to finally acknowledge.

This ^ seems like a good place to start? Can you delve into this more?

You're right, Sannah, that's probably the most critical piece of all this for me. I am scared of getting angry because I'm afraid it makes me like my abuser. I'm learning, slowly, that I can be angry and not do angry things like he did.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by skeksi

I am scared of getting angry because I'm afraid it makes me like my abuser. I'm learning, slowly, that I can be angry and not do angry things like he did.

Very good insight!! Remind yourself of that every time that you start to feel angry?

[peaches100]

I used to never think i got angry. Then, when i noticed i got angry, i used to feel really guilty. I'd be angry at myself for being angry. This made me turn the anger in on myself every time.

Like you, i also thought the feeling of anger was scary. I was afraid it would come out too strong, or turn me into a horrible person. What finally helped me was realizing that anger is a human emotion, it's human to feel anger. I can feel it and still choose whether to act on it or not. But trying to talk myself out of feeling something that i was feeling wasn't working at all!

So now i don't try so hard to deny or stop the feeling of anger. I just feel it and then ask myself "How do i want to respond to this feeling/situation?"

[skeksi]

Originally Posted by peaches100

What finally helped me was realizing that anger is a human emotion, it's human to feel anger. I can feel it and still choose whether to act on it or not. But trying to talk myself out of feeling something that i was feeling wasn't working at all!

Yes, that's it exactly, peaches. It reminds me how when I first went to T, one of the first things he said was that he thought I was afraid of anger. I said I never got mad at anyone. At that time I never felt ANYTHING. Then I learned to notice being scared, and ashamed. It has take a long time to thaw out enough to feel angry.

I was reading something today that talked about anger rooted in trauma can terrify a person, which prevents them from completely feeling the anger, which keeps it coming back. I think that's the cycle I'm caught up in, just dipping my toe in and then running away, when I really just need to jump in.

[peaches100]

Skeksi,

Well, it's good that you notice your fear of anger. It shows you've developed more self-awareness since the time you thought you never got angry at all. I'm not sure you have to "jump in," but even just allowing a little bit of anger to come out at a time can be helpful. My t knows how scary my emotions are for me, so she will often ask, "How many drops of (emotion) are you willing to feel right now?" And I decide only to let out enough that i can deal with it. If it gets too scary, i put it back away in a mental box until next time, when i let out a little bit more.