[Ygrec23]

I started with my new T in the beginning of July. Hadn't been in therapy for 25 years. Never worked before. I knew I was ripe and had the right T. So we got started, fast. It was great. Now it's October and she's (very nicely, very kindly) told me what's been holding me back, what I've really been doing all my life. Ripped me apart. I shouldn't be where I am, who I am, what I am. It's ALL wrong. Everything. Don't have a nickel to start again. Don't have a nickel to pay my car insurance on Monday, when it's due. The past two-three years I've just been falling apart. I didn't think it would be possible but now I'm falling MORE apart. Don't have a dime. Actually, have $18.75, which I have to save for catfood, since they wouldn't understand. Have to beg, now. Now that feels bad. Won't have any money in November, either. Talked to a man on the telephone today about my late medigap payment. I must've sounded like jello on wheels. Somehow I got through most of my life dissociating like crazy and now she ripped it all off. People can live through anything. It's true. Except if they decide to stop it. But I swore to her I wouldn't. This is not something kind words can salve. If this had happened to me at twenty I would have joined up. If at forty, I would have dumped everything and got in my car and rolled. But now, can't do that. If I'm lucky I'll have a heart attack tonight. And I sure won't call for help.

[Sannah]

Ygrec, can you call your therapist? Could there have been a misunderstanding? I'm not sure that I understand what happened, what she said?

[purple_fins]

dear dear Ygrec
I'm so sorry for your struggles.

I wish I could make things better.
Like Sannah asked-- could you call your T.? perhaps there was a misunderstanding? or something.

for what it's worth-- I'm thinking of you

please be kind to the wonderful self that is you.

fins

[WePow]

I am sorry that you find yourself on such hard times and in such a hard time of life.
This is not to be cold, so I do hope it is not seen as such. But I know saying nice things isn't going to help any when it is this low. And yes, I do know what it is like to spend hours searching under beds and in couches for spare change in hope of being able to buy bread. So my heart goes out to you fully.

There may not be a solution anytime soon. But somehow you do have to be able to make it emotionally through this place of hardship. And you are right, dissociating can bring relief. But when we learn that we need to stay "here" even in the hard times, it can be very hard to do so.

Is there maybe a way that you can make a list of the riches in life you have found along the way? Can you list out what you have learned in this journey? What about doing artwork to show your emotions right now - and maybe you can sell the art for a little bit of money? Or make cards with your thoughts on cut out cardboard - a type of recycling - and sell those?

I do hope that you will somehow be able to see how you are not rich because you are in the world, but the world is richer because you are in it.

With all love, W.

[Ygrec23]

Dear Sannah, purple-fins and WePow,

Thank you for your concern. I think my T meant me to be where I am. I think you'd all agree that there's a point in having your skin ripped off. To grow a new one. A different one. One that doesn't avoid reality through the use of neurotic tools. I just have to get through this as best I can, impelled by the pain to deal with reality straight on. Things could be much worse. It's true that if this had happened when I was younger, I could have looked forward to a better future. Now I can just get the satisfaction of having "climbed Everest." I told my T that I was enraged at my parents and all my prior T's for not having forced me out of this neurotic strait-jacket long ago. She said not to do that. My parents couldn't do it because they were doing the same thing! They're who I learned it from! And my prior T's were concerned I'd fall apart, says today's T. I'm still angry. Very angry. I've always had a reasonably good intelligence, an excellent work ethic, a good education and a fair amount of cultural background. But I've spent my life in the margins, giving up everything to satisfy my stupid mind problems. I wish God would let me be with him again. That would help immensely. Take care.

[Melbadaze]

Ygreg, the dismantling of our defences is a lonely place. I found as each of my narcissitic defences are dismantled I feel swallowed up by realaity, its like the lights to bright, times I just want to duvet dive, this is the place of the most bitterness, but once through each of tHese times what is replaced is wonderful, it doesn't matter about the past, we're looking at it through compassionate eyes, no longer the raGeful bittErness. But it is the time between the dying away of our defenses and the rebirth of our compassionate selfs that is the scarieSt, yes it is that dark time between that has us looking up toward "god" for His/her help in ending the pain, but then bit by bit a new awareness bwgins to filter into our vision, the first seed of hope. with the new its so much easier to be in the momwnt where the past no longer hurts, we look at it objectively and just feel grateful for this 2nd chance at life, no matter what age we begin it from, it no longer ,atters because all we ever had was this moment, this moment everything is good and right.

[ECHOES]

Ygrec23, just want to say that I can relate very much. You can do this.

[granite1]

just wanted to step in here with a hug.dont really have words but know well the space you areb in

[Oceanwave]

Ygrec, I'm sorry this is happening. But are you entitled to some kind of state benefits of pension, just to make it through right now? Can your friends and relations help out financially, is there someone who could support you through this? Stay strong for now, you can do this!

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by Oceanwave

Ygrec, I'm sorry this is happening. But are you entitled to some kind of state benefits of pension, just to make it through right now? Can your friends and relations help out financially, is there someone who could support you through this? Stay strong for now, you can do this!

Don't worry, Oceanwave, and thank you for caring. Somehow we're going to get through this. I'm lucky I have a loving wife brought up in the traditions of French peasant penny-pinching (her mother was trained as the perfect housekeeper for ten years in a convent school in the Pyrenees, where she was from). So every nickel does the work of a dime. As for "state benefits," I've got 'em. I qualified for early social security in November of last year, so I get enough each month to (1) pay the mortgage (we don't live in a fancy house), (2) pay the electric, and then, our choice, either pay my medigap policy or pay the phone company. My wife pays for cable and food, for us and for our four cats. Everything else requires some kind of paid employment, a rarity these days.

I'm afraid my friends and relations are all in quite similar situations. I did borrow money from them last year, 2009, but there's no more to lend, so that's out. I get one or two days a month of paid work, yielding from $300 to $1,050 per month, WHEN I CAN GET IT. Which is not every month. I've applied for part-time positions at Macy's, Sears, Dillard's, J.C. Penney, TJMaxx, Target, etc., etc. And no one has yet called me back, though I can make an argument that being a mediator means I've been a salesman, selling settlements.

What I really need to do is sit down and make phone call after phone call after phone call, to every single person I know in my territory, not only to find out if they have any mediation for me but also if I can do any other part-time work for them AND whether they know of anyone doing ANYTHING locally who needs a hand on a part-time basis doing ANYTHING (legal, of course). I'd work in an oil-change place, or bus tables, or be a cashier. Whatever. Of course, it's better to do mediation because mediation is so well paid! (When you can get it.) I don't have the strength right this minute to explain to you the changes that have occurred over the past three years in the market for my specialist skills. That's the real problem, but to an extent it's irrelevant. The situation is what it is and has to be dealt with directly. It doesn't really matter how things became this way.
Take care!

[ECHOES]

Ygrec23, I hear that Medicare Advantage plan premiums will be dropping for 2011. It is a small drop, 1%, but it might be worth looking into switching, even if for a year.

I do hope you find some mediation work. Good luck in your search!

[(JD)]

Ripped me apart. I shouldn't be where I am, who I am, what I am. It's ALL wrong. Everything.

WHOA!!! Certainly that is NOT what the T said!!!!
Maybe that's your depressive side telling you that what it thinks she said???

You made it this far, so there were plenty of things that you did right!

EVERY one is having to adjust and refit and finagle and do without and all that... though I don't believe misery loves company.

Make a list (or do whatever it is that you do to be organized normally) ... of all the things you could try to change your situation.

Calling or contacting each person you know is a good one I think. Do whichever is easiest to do, and if you can push to do whatever gives the best results, do that. I know in general in the USA, 10 contacts of good info etc will give in 1 good result (in normal times). So say it takes 30 contacts now??? Find your ratio and that will help spur you on, because each no you get will get you closer to the yes!

Do what you know is good to do, even though you don't feel like it. Living on your feelings will take you down farther that dark path to where you can't do anything (depression.)

You're a good person, imo, and things will turn around for you.

I'm a firm believer in the "observer effect" of quantum physics/mechanics. What you expect to see you will see. What you expect to find, you will find. Now draw in that good stuff you need.

[purple_fins]

another thing I forgot to mention....
please know there are so so many organizations that give out food.
One doesn't ever have to go completely hungry -- at least here in America.
there are churches, shelters and other organizations that will provide food for those that don't have any. I've volunteered at some such places-- they are awesome.

anyway-- just thought I'd mention this, something to keep in mind, perhaps.

Ygrec

fins

[Ygrec23]

Ripped me apart. I shouldn't be where I am, who I am, what I am. It's ALL wrong. Everything.

WHOA!!! Certainly that is NOT what the T said!!!!
Maybe that's your depressive side telling you that what it thinks she said???
You made it this far, so there were plenty of things that you did right!

No, no! You're absolutely right! Those are MY words and MY conclusions! That's what "I" feel! Though I do NOT agree that "there were plenty of things that [i] did right!" As to the rest of your post, I agree too. Your points are entirely sensible and realistic. Take care.

[Ygrec23]

Just in further response to all the kind folk who have answered my initial posts, while our current income doesn't cover our basic expenses, the situation is made worse by (1) what I owe to credit card banks (at least five or six hundred a month), and (2) owing money to the lender so that in the real bad times (before I qualified for social security) I missed two months' mortgage payments that I couldn't then and can't now afford (with all the late charges) to pay. I'm trying to have the lender modify the mortgage, but that's been in process for a while now. We didn't qualify for the government program because we didn't spend 33% of our income on the mortgage. We spent 31%. Take care!

[Sannah]

[BlackCanary]

Ygrec, I am glad you are persevering despite the challenges. And I'm glad you have a thrifty wife!
In Florida you would think a lender would be happy that you want to make it right for the 2 months you missed, and would work it out to adjust your rate or terms so you can continue to pay. Ask again if needed, you are a reliable customer. Also, contact your member of congress, who is up for re-election and may be VERY helpful at this time.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

.....I told my T that I was enraged at my parents and all my prior T's for not having forced me out of this neurotic strait-jacket long ago. She said not to do that. ...

((((((((((((((((( Ygrec ))))))))))))))))))

not that my $0.02 matters at all, but it seems to me that you are entitled to be angry, and telling you "not to do that" is just going to keep that rightful anger buried indefinitely. IDK, maybe yr T can help you turn that anger into fuel for going forward.

There is so much pain in your post. I think we have a lot of similarity; just wanted to tell you that
(a) asking for help from some resource, if need arises is NOT begging; that's what they are there for; look at PC, there's just one; there are so many others of so many kinds. And
(b), you are with God, every day of your life. Actually I sense that you already know that.

[geez]

((Ygrec)) If I knew you IRL I would hire you to teach me meditation. I'm actually trying to find a 'class' in my area on the subject. Not sure where you live but perhaps you could offer a class through your town recreation dept or local community center?

As for finances can you get a debt consolidation loan for your credit cards? Banks usually have a minimum amount before you can borrow for this type of loan so I don't know what the specifics are but perhaps it's something you can look into?

Wishing you peace of mind soon.