[ECHOES]

After my last session, I realized that when my therapist rephrases (validates/reframes) something I've just said, it annoys me and often I shut down. Not that shutting down is anything new, it seems to be my answer to just about everything...
When she does this my anger flares because I feel like I am not articulate and her doing this highlights that flaw in me. Like she is lording it over on me that she can condense into one concise statement my 5 minutes of struggling to explain something. I know this isn't what her motive is, and I know she is putting it out there for me to look at and think about, letting me know she's heard me, giving me sometimes a slightly different way of looking at something. Still, it can feel like a power struggle or competition or something like that.
I don't get it. I want her to hear me and yet when she does and offers me this rephrasing or validating, I (the bratty kid) want to say "Oh, yeah? What do you know, anyway?!". All of which, for now, stays hidden behind the mask of silence/unresponsiveness. But now that I'm just noticing, I need to talk about it in session when it happens. ugh.

I realize now, as I write this, that the anger is also about the hug I crave sometimes. Not always--sometimes the idea of it feels creepy. But other times... Anyway, I told her that sometimes therapy seems so pointless because there is no comforting. This is what I used to control tears for many years: why bother, there is no one there to comfort you. Worked like a charm. So when I said that, she asked what would comforting be for you, how can she provide that, etc. Part of me was mad that she didn't remember, or was choosing to not make reference to the hug I have talked about. Part of me was mad at me that I could not say so, that I could not refer to it either, and that I could not come up with a non-physical way to be comforted. I felt so stupid. And needy. And the silence can be bratty retaliation. *sigh*

I don't even know why I'm posting this. I need to know more about my shutting down and writing helps me look at it.

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I don't even know why I'm posting this. I need to know more about my shutting down and writing helps me look at it.

Yup .

[sittingatwatersedge]

hi there,
I guess the phrase "brat therapy" hit me... it seems so full of self blame. What do you suppose would happen if you DID just come out with , oh yeah, what do you know about it?
I can see that leading into a very interesting discussion, seriously.

as for the how-can-I-comfort-you.... that is big, and is something you may have to think about for a while. If you can't ask T to hug you, maybe you could ask if you could give her one - that's what I did, and these days hugs are fairly frequent, whether initiated by T, or by me.
be well

[ECHOES]

Thanks Melbadaze

sawe, I did ask early in therapy and was gently refused as she did not see that it would be helpful. She doesn't have an absolute policy of no hugs (which caused me to try to figure out what could get me one. lol. and yes, I told her I was doing that) and I did offer one and it was accepted when she was going to have surgery and expected to be out 4 weeks. I also admitted later that the hug was as much for me as for her.
So, brat that I am, I refuse to ask again.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

So when I said that, she asked what would comforting be for you, how can she provide that, etc. Part of me was mad that she didn't remember, or was choosing to not make reference to the hug I have talked about.

I HATE when I feel like T knows what I'm talking about but he makes me say it anyway. In fact, I know that there are times that T knows FOR SURE what I want/need, and he won't respond to it unless I say the words. He has told me it's because it wants me to practice asking for what I need...and honestly, I know that is something I had to learn how to do...but it doesn't make it any less annoying, that's for sure.

I think there is something really freeing about being a "brat" in therapy. I know when I was growing up, I *had* to respond to everything in a certain way, or the consequences would be really ugly. Now, sometimes I get the urge to "talk back" to T, and I just do. He can take it. I think he LIKES it...maybe because I'm finding a little bit of power.

I think when we're growing up, talking back to our parents, rolling our eyes, asking "what do YOU know?" are probably our first steps towards finding our SELVES, separate from them. Maybe if we didn't get a chance to do that as we were developing, it needs to happen now? I don't know.

It sounds like you're doing good work, Echoes...all of this awareness is a good thing

[sittingatwatersedge]

Well, twinnie brat that I am, I would throw this right back on her >> she asked what would comforting be for you, how can she provide that, etc

I can just hear it. Hey, YOU asked. Now I'm telling you.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

After my last session, I realized that when my therapist rephrases (validates/reframes) something I've just said, it annoys me and often I shut down. Not that shutting down is anything new, it seems to be my answer to just about everything...
When she does this my anger flares because I feel like I am not articulate and her doing this highlights that flaw in me. Like she is lording it over on me that she can condense into one concise statement my 5 minutes of struggling to explain something. I know this isn't what her motive is, and I know she is putting it out there for me to look at and think about, letting me know she's heard me, giving me sometimes a slightly different way of looking at something. Still, it can feel like a power struggle or competition or something like that.

I know that for me, trying to reformulate what someone else has said can be an attempt to better understand it myself. Not necessarily to do anything to anyone else.

[Sannah]

Maybe this is your inner child responding? Ask her what is going on? What's bothering her? What she wants?