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#1
Nov 03, 2010, 10:22 PM
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I am proud of myself for not having a breakdown after talking about a trauma in therapy---(I broke down IN THERAPY) but, instead of breaking down outside of therapy, I took out all my negative energy in cleaning...and now I'm writing, I took a shower, ate some grapes, gonna read too, and I'll probably watch T.V. soon too. Just trying my best to not overreact. and I want to stop emailing my T as much but, even though I am doing these things, underneath it all I still feel panic...a panic that is simmering...lots of unresolved emotions that I would usually pay attention too but, instead I am ignoring..for my own sanity...so that I do not overreact. But, I cannot return to therapy for 2 weeks due to money...so I'm wondering if I should break my vow to email her...and do it anyway...basically, I hadn't talked about that trauma in years and when I did it felt like I was reliving it right that moment, in that chair...she had no idea I wanted to jump up and run out of the room...I'm an adult but, I swear I felt like a helpless, scared kid again...I wanted to repeat to her over and over again...."I'm sorry..." "I'm sorry" "Its all my fault, I'm sorry." and I just wanted out...but, I kept quiet instead and broke down in uncontrollable tears in the room...after I explained what happened and she said, thats probably why you walk around calling yourself "a bad person" a lot of the time and I think thats something we can work on, I felt like a little girl all over again...it scared me...but, I''m okay now. I think? She wants me to process the trauma more before I see her but, I can't...thats another reason I thought I might email...because...I don't think I can process this any farther because it scared the living daylights out of me...and I don't want to experience those emotions, in my house...where people who don't understand would be confused by all of them.
---oh and have you ever wanted to do something other then TALK in therapy...to express your emotions? sometimes I wish I could do something else to get my feelings, life across to her...I don't always want to talk. JAZZY  
__________________
--- A bird doesn't sing because it has all the answers, it sings because it has a song.Maya Angelou. so sing. Jazz, sing. --jazzy123456 ---------------------------- "You're not here merely to make a living. You are here to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, and with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world. You impoverish yourself if you forget this errand." (Woodrow Wilson) 
Last edited by jazzy123456; Nov 03, 2010 at 10:39 PM. |
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#2
Nov 04, 2010, 07:35 AM
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Quote:
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Now if thou would'st When all have given him o'er From death to life Thou might'st him yet recover -- Michael Drayton 1562 - 1631 |
| jazzy123456
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#3
Nov 04, 2010, 12:21 PM
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((( HUGS )))
Those times are so hard. Please allow yourself to reach out to T when you feel the need.
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Don't follow the path that lies before you. Instead, veer from the path - and leave a trail... 
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#4
Nov 04, 2010, 01:47 PM
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jazzy i'm sorry you cant go to therapy for 2 weeks sounds like you could bennifit from every week.
i swear reading this post sound just like how i felt in my las sesson when i was so triggered.glad you were able to let T know how you were feeling.it is so hard to even keep things streight in therapy when that happens.i so wanted to leave but couldnt even get my mind around getting up off the chair and leaving. could you ask T if you could do art or relaxation
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BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT  Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
| jazzy123456
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#5
Nov 04, 2010, 04:32 PM
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Quote:
 i wish i could when i felt the need though! i really wish i could!
__________________
--- A bird doesn't sing because it has all the answers, it sings because it has a song.Maya Angelou. so sing. Jazz, sing. --jazzy123456 ---------------------------- "You're not here merely to make a living. You are here to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, and with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world. You impoverish yourself if you forget this errand." (Woodrow Wilson)
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#6
Nov 04, 2010, 04:34 PM
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Quote:
__________________
--- A bird doesn't sing because it has all the answers, it sings because it has a song.Maya Angelou. so sing. Jazz, sing. --jazzy123456 ---------------------------- "You're not here merely to make a living. You are here to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, and with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world. You impoverish yourself if you forget this errand." (Woodrow Wilson)
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#7
Nov 04, 2010, 04:43 PM
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I wrote about it...the "trauma" finally...
Poem: Nicole Her name was Nicole. Best Friends Forever. I received a phone call. I expected to hear things for a teenagers ears. Instead I heard, he's coming after me. I made a mistake. I set you up for mental and physical heartbreak. One I would never wish on anyone else, I've felt the anguish, the throbbing ache. I received a phone call. "We made out and had ****-oral sex." "He abused me between the complex." I came to your house. Our faces full of fear, our hearts dangling in doubt. "I'm a bad person, my spirit sang out loud." but, no one could hear it... no one could hear it but, me... All I wanted to do was cup your tears... erase the memories, bandage your scars, give you a card, healing the heart. I could not comprehend all the damage I caused. I arrive home later. I could barely get to the kitchen to grab something to eat... by the time I reached the counter I buckled my knees, and my eyes wept. I received a phone call. she wept. I received a phone call. her mom wept. her mom was angry. I received a phone call. the police---a restraining order for him.' I received a phone call. she wept. I received a phone call. I wept. I was angry. I received a phone call. I have to move to New York, too much trouble here. I received a phone call. goodbye--dear. I'll miss you. I don't know how to say I'm sorry. I don't know how to word it. All I knew was you didn't deserve it. I took all the blame and you went your way. I hope you forgive me I live my best without shame. I haven't been upset over it in many years, blocking it out but, therapy made me re-live all the distant memories... When I sat in that chair, I felt like I was a young girl all over again, I wanted to say out loud, "I won't do it again.: " Even as I had a logical dialogue, all I wanted to say was... "Omg, It's all my fault." But, all I could do was cry and talk. and cry and talk and cry and I wanted to run out of the room...but, I sat with tears rolling down my cheek--- I tried to pray to God three days later but, all I could think was "God will punish me."..."the emotions are too deep"... "What have I done."...to one of Gods children...? is that why shes promiscuous now and complacent? What have I done, given to someone what was first done to me?/ I buried my head in my pillow and God whispered---"write a poem"....you can't deal with these feelings but, heaven is in your palm....pick up a pen... So, I wrote this poem in a slight bit of fear, knowing that only these words would cleanse my tears... for a long time my tears were dark and gray...but,..maybe the memories will turn into rain...carve me out a rainbow.and sing again.
__________________
--- A bird doesn't sing because it has all the answers, it sings because it has a song.Maya Angelou. so sing. Jazz, sing. --jazzy123456 ---------------------------- "You're not here merely to make a living. You are here to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, and with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world. You impoverish yourself if you forget this errand." (Woodrow Wilson)
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