[jexa]

Tomorrow I see my new T again. She wanted me to call that DBT program and I did. But they said that you can't just do their group, that you have to be in their whole DBT program to do the group at all. I don't know why she didn't know that and why she sent me on a wild goose chase. I have HUGE phone anxiety and I'm upset that I made these useless phone calls, subjecting myself to this intense anxiety, for nothing. But mostly I really wish it had worked out, I really wish I could be in a group right now, mostly because I feel like I am drowning every day.

I am so depressed. Agitated, irritable, angry, and sad. And I am getting on my nerves SOOO badly, and I think I am getting on my friends' nerves, too, with my negativity. The other night I HUGELY overreacted to something a friend did. It's a long story but I left her house basically sobbing and sobbing. I came home and cried myself to sleep. The next day I woke up and I was shocked at the memory of the night before -- like it wasn't even me that was there with her, like the memory was someone else's memory. I just can't believe the overreaction. It was seriously ludicrous. I apologized to my friend and she said I am forgiven. But I still don't know what the hell is wrong with me. This is just one event of several. In general my thoughts are consumed with rumination and worry. I feel like I am slipping more every day.

I really wish I could go more than every other week right now. I can't afford more than this but I am soo not coping well. I am starting to feel like I've been treading water for far too long and I'm losing energy and soon enough I'm just going to slip below the surface..

[granite1]

do you have the ability to go every week

[jexa]

No granite, I wish I could but I can't afford it until I have insurance. I will have insurance starting January 1.

[Kacey2]

Jexa!!!!!
I am hurting for you Jexa as I read your post. I can feel how lost and out of control you are feeling. Can you print out your post and bring it to your new t? I think it is really important that you do so she can really get an understanding of what is going on with you now.

Is there a payment plan that you could go on? Or is there any grant monies that you could apply for? How about a sliding scale for fees for you right now? Are any of these a possibility for you?

Remember to just be gentle with yourself. It is understandable that you are irritable beyond belief because you are going through a huge transition and are in the throws of life right now with your apps for grad school, work etc.... You miss your old t and you are trying to forge a relationship with a new t which is hard to do in the first place and you are having to do it by meeting only everyother week. HOW TOUGH is all of that? Seriously you are going through a lot. I am glad you posted. Of course I have been worried about you. I am sorry I thought your apt was today. I will think of you tomorrow.

[seventyeight]

hi jexa,

two ideas:

1) can you "live" off of a credit card for the next two months? like pay for therapy in cash, and then the rest of the things you need put on a card. i know it's not the smartest financial plan, but for now it would get you through as it seems like this is sort of an emergency situation. and even if you applied for a new card with a low balance it would be better than nothing. also, maybe if you broke it down like, "ok, these are the next two months, this is what i have to pay for, and this is how i'm going to go about it." maybe it would help to look at the bigger picture aspect if that makes any sense, like as a two-month block.

2) can you ask your new therapist if she would be willing to keep a running balance for you? like you could just pay what you could (which, if you went every week, would mean paying every other week) and then come january, you could start to chip away at the remaining balance. even if you had to sign something (i'm sure you could find a document for this online) that says that you'll pay her in full within a certain time frame, that would allow you to continue to go as you need to. also, maybe you can talk it out with her and come up with a solution. it seems like you could really stand to go every week, especially right now, and i hope you're able to find a way to make this work for you.

((((jexa))))

I don't really have any advice except for this: try not to judge yourself so harshly for having big emotions. You're healing, and the pain and sensitivity is understandable. When you heap judgment and self-loathing on top of it, it only makes things feel that much worse.

I know that's easier said than done, but try to be kind to yourself.

((((((((((((((((jexa))))))))))))))))

You sound so overwhelmed. I hope seeing T tomorrow will bring some relief....

It's okay to have big feelings and to be triggered. It doesn't FEEL good, but it's part of what we go through sometimes. It won't be like this forever. I agree with griffin...try not to judge yourself. You are doing the best you can.

It does sound like some more support would help a lot. It's November...so I'm guessing that if you go every other week, there are maybe 5 weeks you will see T until January, and 4 weeks you won't see T. Could you borrow the money for those 4 sessions? Set up a payment plan with T? Maybe save up so you could at least go to 2 of them? It feels like a big priority right now for you to get the support you need and you deserve.

Lots and lots and lots of hugs, jexa. You are going through a lot.

[jexa]

I don't know guys.. money is a huge problem right now, huge huge problem, even spending the money I spend right now on therapy is too much, I really need to be frugal because of applying to grad school and moving to grad school next year and all that.. I'm not taking care of my finances like I should anyway, so I don't know, I don't know! Maybe a group? Maybe that will keep me afloat somehow? If she can help me find one at a community mental health center, that should be affordable. I was afraid of it before but now I am so desperate for support that I'll do anything.

I have really bad credit so using a card is not a possibility. Yep, it's a big shame of mine - I'm absolutely awful with managing my finances, just like my parents are.

I will ask newT what to do but this is only our second session so it will be hard to open up enough to explain just how overwhelmed I am. No way could I give her this post yet.. I don't even know her yet..

I am reading the Happiness Trap by Russ Harris right now hoping to find some skills to use. I only have two friends to go to for support and I think their patience with me is wearing thin because I just suck to be around in general right now because all I can do is complain about work and worry about grad school. I just wish I could put my hand over my mouth sometimes but these are the only things I can think about - my anxieties and frustrations.

Ahhhh FML

[zooropa]

(((((jexa)))))
I can feel how overwhelmed and just plain sad you are. I'm so sorry. It's complicated by not knowing your T very well yet, and if you're like me at all you have trust issues so getting to the point of being able to tell her how you're feeling will take a while.

Is it possible for you to do the DBT program at the place you called? I really think doing just a dbt group and not individually just isn't as effective. That said, I definitely understand just needing support so much that you will join any group, do anything.

Please don't forget all the support and love you have here, jexa. We care about you, and we understand.

[jexa]

zoo if I did their dbt program I would have to change T's and go to their T's instead. No way am I changing T's again, esp. not in exchange for a T at a community mental health center.

My T right now DOES do DBT, and other stuff too, and wants me to find a DBT group to go to at the same time as I see her individually. But the people she told me to call told me I have to do THEIR program, and not see her. I don't get why she told me to call them. So I will ask her what to do.

I'm really glad you guys are here because I am feeling really lonely right now and I don't even want to be around my friends because I am certain I am annoying and awful and I just hate this. I think I need to just try to take better care of myself and eat right and maybe then I would feel better. The problem is I just don't want to take care of myself when I feel this way.. I am angry and I just want to punish myself, deprive myself of food, deprive myself of things that will make me feel better.

Oh it's all so STUPID.

[Kacey2]

Jexa,
What about NAMI? Are you in the US? They usually have groups a couple of nights a week and are trained leaders there. And it is free. I just wish I could help you more. How much is it per session? Maybe I could give you a gift of extra sessions.

Try not to punish yourself, Jexa. I get that, 'cause I do it too...

This is kind of embarrassing,and I'm hesitant to share it...but there's something I learned from doing EMDR. Sometimes I imagine I have the perfect mother sitting next to me (or perfect friend) and I try to guess what she would say to me at this moment. Usually it's something very soothing....or she just fixes me a cup of tea or a sandwich or tells me to step outside and breathe some fresh air. And I do some of those things, and it helps.

It's like, I can't take care of myself when in I'm in a really dark place, but I can imagine this phantom perfect mom entering the dark place with me and helping me out.

[looking4polaris]

I'm really sorry you are struggling with the every other week schedule. It must seem like an eternity between sessions. What a disappointment that the DBT group didn't work out either. I hope that your T will have some other suggestions for finding a group for you to help you get by between sessions.

Since it sounds like there really is no good solution to the money problem, maybe you can focus on just managing the weeks between now and January. I know that seems like A LOT of weeks.

Can you get yourself involved in somekind of ongoing therapy project like a detailed journal or art therapy project that you can focus on during your off weeks? You could work on it during your T time on your off weeks and other times when you are feeling like you need T. I don't know what your hobbies or likes/dislikes are, but maybe there is something you could try and "get lost" in to help feel like you are working on your T issues as well as passing time. Like a one-person group.

I'm sorry I don't have any better suggestions, but I am sending support and encouragement your way.

[jexa]

I looked up NAMI in my area and it is pretty far away from me. Plus it looks like they have a big focus on veterans. I would feel uncomfortable I think.. And aww Kacey you are so sweet but I would feel uncomfortable accepting that kind of gift. Sessions are almost $100 each, that's why it's so difficult for me to afford them. And this is her reduced rate. Sigh.

griffin I like that. I have to find a way to think about it that doesn't make me so sad though. When I read this last night I tried to imagine this and all I could think about was my old T and how I wish she was here right now.

Thanks polaris -- maybe I could try journaling or something. Because I am depressed, I am finding it hard to get "lost" in anything at all though, because nothing will engage me -- my attention is everywhere. I normally like to read but right now that is very difficult. I also normally like to make crafts and sew and things like that, and I like to sing, but.. just none of this sounds like fun.

Sorry it's so hard to cheer me up guys, blah. I just really appreciate you guys and am so grateful that people here understand what I am going through.

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by jexa

I will ask newT what to do but this is only our second session so it will be hard to open up enough to explain just how overwhelmed I am. No way could I give her this post yet.. I don't even know her yet..

Yes, do bring it up with her, and how it affects you. She needs to know, and I am sure the two of you can work out a better solution, as every other week just isn't doing it for you right now. She might have some other ideas on how to go forward with you.

[jexa]

So yeah. Went to T and really felt very uncomfortable explaining how hard things have been, so I ended up kind of skirting around the issue and focusing the session on my frustrations with my work. Because I don't trust this T yet, I think I really have to start with these kinds of topics before I can share bigger things with her. I DO think this was a good use of my time and a way to help us develop some kind of relationship -- my frustrations with my work situation are largely contributing to my depression, IMO, and she had some helpful things to say and helped me focus on the things I'm doing right at work, which is a lot actually, and how to deal with the guilt I feel about not performing as well as I used to at work.

She directed me to another DBT program and gave me their number. I didn't bring up my need for sessions weekly because.. idk, I just didn't feel comfortable, since I can't really afford weekly sessions anyway, so what is she going to do? I will pursue this DBT program and see if it's a fit. So, we'll see.

[Ratanddragon]

I saw in one of your responses to this that you're beginning The Happiness Trap. Me too. The thing about it that makes the most sense to me is that trying to totally suppress negative thoughts is basically futile as we evolved to constantly think in terms of comparison/contrast in an attempt to avoid being eaten--i.e. negatively. The approach is to acknowledge the thoughts, and the feelings that accompany them, but to act in ways that reflect what you truly value. Thoughts and feelings are not necessarily reality. It has been a mixed bag for me so far, but the grounding exercises seem to help keep guilty feedback loops in check: you know "I should be feeling better, thinking positively, think good thoughts, not working, guilty;etc." I do know that many of my issues came out of not dealing with things as they came and trying to either ignore them or stuff them. They came back out to play anyway and weren't prettier the second time around. So, at least for me, suppression doesn't work, nor does thinking happy thoughts. I'm game to try something new. I wish you luck.

[googley]

((((((((Jexa))))))))

I'm so sorry things are so hard right now. I hope the new DBT group works out. Have you looked into the Depression/Bipoar support alliance (I think that is what it is called.) They have support groups too.