Update.....Working with T, meltdown in group, etc.

Sorry, again, that it has been so long.

I've just been involved in so much stuff that I haven't had time for me lately.

Wanted to update you all on the situation with my T and his suggestion to work with him on some projects outside of therapy. I sent him a very long, detailed email that he read during my session and responded to. In a nutshell, we agreed that we would consider working on projects together after I am winding down with therapy - not now.

T said some really super nice things that helped me feel a bit more comfortable about the whole thing. He told me how much he values me, trusts me, etc. and that he just wanted me to feel my worth. He was moreso reacting spontaneously - by giving me something to help spark my own interest in doing something valuable for me.

He also said that he would love to go and create projects together after I am winding down with therapy...that he likes me and would want to maintain a friendship with me....but that he would never do anything - especially for his own benefit - that would jeopardize our work right now.

All in all, very productive and really helped ease my concerns....

Of course, now I'm in meltdown mode over a bunch of other stuff....yet I don't really feel like sharing with T. I don't know why, it's like I'd rather not let him see how miserable and unhappy I am. I feel embarrassed by it, because I realize that I can make things better for myself....but depression hits like a ton of bricks, and I don't feel that I have control over those emotions. It's like a constant digging myself out of quicksand...sometimes I make progress....sometimes I have zero energy and start to drown in it....and it makes it that much harder to regain the energy to climb again....

I had a TOTAL panic attack/meltdown in group on Tuesday....an uncontrollable full-blown panic attack....Never happened in group before...I was sooooo triggered by something that one of the group members said...and I lost it. Totally lost it. I kept trying to control the panic, and it was just making things worse. It was awful. SO SO SO awful. T wanted me to just "go with it" but I was fighting it....and finally, I was able to get it under control...which is not what my T wanted, of course....he wanted me to ride the wave and talk through it....I just kept my eyes closed the rest of the session, with my head in my hands....I am absolutely horrified....

And I see T in less than 2 hours....UGH.

(((((((((((MUE)))))))))))))

That is very strong of you to have told T exactly what was going on inside you about this. It took a lot of courage!

I hope your session today was also good.

((((((((((MUE))))))))))

wow...do i understand that sinking quicksand feeling. good luck. i'm sorry you had a panic attack. those r never fun.

OMG! A panic attack with all those people watching! Plus people in group, who you DON'T trust, who have NOT been supportive.. oh that sucks! ((((((((((((((MUE!)))))))))))))))))))

I'm glad you won't be working on that project with T until you're talking about T being over.

How can you do therapy without your therapist seeing how you really feel?

Emotions are not for controlling, they are for expressing.

I know....ugh.

During my session yesterday, I told T about feeling like I'm drowning in quicksand....and that everything I try to do for myself isn't working - it's like it's all a distraction....and that I'm running from something but I don't know what it is...

We started talking about the feelings....the tightness in my chest, the choking session, the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach....Tried to amplify it, and it was making it hard to breathe....

And that the purpose of the tightness is to keep me from losing it....like it's holding back a volcano.....but I don't know what the volcano is.

So, there I was, describing the sensations....but not knowing what it's stemming from, the cause, what the volcano represents....Blech. T said that I have so much resistance....and that I'm becoming more aware of my feelings...but the minute the volcano starts to come up, I work hard to push it back down....

It's instinctive.....Ugh.

We talked about fear of consequences, fear of not knowing what will come up, fear of what the result will be, who will be affected, how I will be affected...But all we know at the moment is that there's a volcano, and I'm pushing it down with all my might...and it's not working for me...

*sigh*

Do you feel that T is putting pressure on you still, saying that you will work together when you finish therapy? Maybe now you don't really dare to open up, because what if you disappoint him, what if he finds out what you are really like, and how deep your problems go? And if he does, he wouldn't want to work with you any more and he would rather withdraw his trust in your abilities? Would you be more comfortable if the two of you just dropped the prospect of the dual relationship altogether?
Could this be it?

Hmm, I haven't thought about any of that. Actually, my thought was that perhaps the idea of maintaining a friendship with T after therapy and working with him on projects would be a relief - so that I don't have to feel as though if I work through my issues, then I would be that much closer to not having T anymore...

I'll have to consider what you posted, though....My resistance runs so so so deep and has been a pretty consistent issue with me....in waves....for the duration of therapy...and the idea of working with T just came up recently....so I don't think so. But it's definitely worth taking in....

Well, this (above) is why I thought so. Maybe now you can't open up because there are stakes. There will be some other kind of relationship in the end which is not really compatible with the deep, honest work you are meant to be doing in therapy.

Any progress on this MUE?