[granite1]

wow this hit me like a ton of bricks today and in my mind made so much sence.it is a long post so please dont feel the need to read it all.it is also to help me remember this and maybe someday talk about it

believe it or not it was my husband who helped me with this.i swear this is the first time i think i may have identified something that was a trigger for me.and wow what a thought and understanding.

ever sence my T had me sitting on the floor doing art it made me think of the days that the mother had kept me in my room.before this i hardly ever thought about it with and conviction.but after that i seem to be obsessed with thinking about it.somewhat talking about it here etc...especially when i would go to therapy and sit in this room.i would focus on how safe it felt how i love sittiing on the floor how comforting it was when i was left in my room at home and safe because the mother would never come up thare etc...anyway so many thoughts would always run through my head.but never really on a feeling level never that deep.always good never bad.never anything to cause distress(can you say avoidance)

so i go to therapy and everything is changed from the moment i walk down the hall and up the stairs with therapist.i dont feel right at all.nothing is ok.for some reason T has me go up the stairs first,her door is closed,the blinds are shut and i am by now raging on the inside paralized and confused about what has happened ans what is going on.why has T done this to me?what did i do?i must have done soomething?

i talk to my husband about my experiance and he said it isnt about the fact that you felt this way it is all about the why.if you can figure out the why maybe it will help. so this set mo on breaking down what and why and this is what i came up with after a long and painfull night.

1.T made me go first up the stairs,i no longer see my T she is behind me,she doesnt exsist,i become ragefull,full of anger.now can i remember another time i felt this way?YES, when i was sent up the stairs to my room as a child.i always kept it a safe place in my mind .and it was,the mother wouldnt come up thare and hit me or anything.but at the same time i didnt exsist to her i was isolated and alone,scared,forgotten,made to feel ashaimed,etc..safe but with a huge price.better to think of it as a safe place just like T office.so when i went first,again i couldnt see T ,and being so obsessed with this memory of being sent to my room,i really think i was back then and really feeling what it must have been like as me going to my foom,ragefull,angry scared,not knowing when i was going to be able to come out again.i kind of think yay for me seeing this

2. the door being closed ,when i got to her room the door was closed.i had to push it open and go in again with T behind me i couldnt see her she didnt exsist at all for me.again i was still alone and going to an empty room,scared and even more ragefull now,doing this to myself.walking into the isolation of my room of free will.opening my own door walking in and shutting myself in for god knows how many days untill the brother came up and got me.(BTW i have only 3 essential doors in my house all others have been removed)

3.the blinds being closed,when in my room one of the things i would do to calm me and was comforting waas to sit on the floor by my window and watch things for hours into the night(I remember counting cars)that was also taken away from me.i think at this poin i just left in my mind and not even a nuclier bomb was goning to bring me back to even see that T was in the room with me she had just totally abandoned me and i was totally alone in this room angry ,and scared,and i really hated her for that.

sorry so long just needed to get this out.this is only and overview of what was going on in my head.and she wants me to talk to her also i think NOT

WOW. That is a lot of really good insight, granite. Really, really, really good work.

I know your T doesn't like it when you write things, but I still wonder if you could print this and bring it to her? It just seems so important. Even if she made you read it out loud...could you pretend you were someone else reading something out loud? Like it had nothing to do with you? Just to get it OUT THERE.

You are doing great. And I think this shows how therapy can work even when we FEEL like we're totally failing while we're sitting there in session. It opens us up to all of these insights between sessions, and just being able to learn about ourselves in that way is huge.

[sorrel]

Insights have great power to open your heart to understanding and tenderness.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by treehouse

WOW. That is a lot of really good insight, granite. Really, really, really good work.

I know your T doesn't like it when you write things, but I still wonder if you could print this and bring it to her? It just seems so important. Even if she made you read it out loud...could you pretend you were someone else reading something out loud? Like it had nothing to do with you? Just to get it OUT THERE.

You are doing great. And I think this shows how therapy can work even when we FEEL like we're totally failing while we're sitting there in session. It opens us up to all of these insights between sessions, and just being able to learn about ourselves in that way is huge.

tree i wrote her a letter that i am thinking about sending.i did send her an email about her asking me if i am better or worse and believe it or not she e-mailed me backsaying that i was developing an ear for what is being said and what i hear,good job ant then she repeated what she said (Still have a hard time believing what she said)and could we please talk about it on monday?ummm no

[sittingatwatersedge]

Granite!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay for you indeed!!!! this is so good.

And yr DH is good and wise and I send him a hug too, if OK with you, he sounds like a sweetie

and yr Tis going to be delighted with this wow I am so bowled over you did good.

From here who knows where you go. keep us posted!!

[granite1]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Granite!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay for you indeed!!!! this is so good.

And yr DH is good and wise and I send him a hug too, if OK with you, he sounds like a sweetie

and yr Tis going to be delighted with this wow I am so bowled over you did good.

From here who knows where you go. keep us posted!!

sitting i havnt really shared any of this with my T i'm kind of scared to.but someday maybe.my struggle now is what do i now do with this information.i have no idea.i know why this one day bothered me but what next?no idea

[sittingatwatersedge]

don't worry what's next. What's next is what it is and yr T said you are doing well at listening and remembering that is a LOT. I hope you are happy little Granite. it's always nice to get some evidence of progress, of growth, my goodness we work so hard for it.

Granite, first, i did read the whole thing! awesome insight, your DH got you on the right path, but you figured it out all by yourself. I think t would like to know more about this, and i still think you are safe with her
She wants to help you, sending safe and proud and happy huggs

[granite1]

sitting i am really happy and i did end up sending the letter i wrote to her.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by jbmomg

Granite, first, i did read the whole thing! awesome insight, your DH got you on the right path, but you figured it out all by yourself. I think t would like to know more about this, and i still think you are safe with her
She wants to help you, sending safe and proud and happy huggs

today i really believe she does want to help me.i hope i can believe the same thing on monday.she said she wants to discuss it in person

[Kacey2]

Granite,
How painful that trigger was for you. It is so understandable how upset this made you when you had to lead t and open the door to her closed off room. I am glad that you had the patience with yourself to really look into where that really came from. Awesome job. I was very encouraged when you said you sent her a letter or was it email? Anyway I think you may find it really helpful to start a conversation about it in your next therapy session. I am glad your t is able to show that she does care. And you are believing it now. Let us know how your session goes on Monday ok?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Kacey2

Granite,
How painful that trigger was for you. It is so understandable how upset this made you when you had to lead t and open the door to her closed off room. I am glad that you had the patience with yourself to really look into where that really came from. Awesome job. I was very encouraged when you said you sent her a letter or was it email? Anyway I think you may find it really helpful to start a conversation about it in your next therapy session. I am glad your t is able to show that she does care. And you are believing it now. Let us know how your session goes on Monday ok?

i sent her an email about her asking me if i feel i am getting better or worse,she accually emailed me back.i also sent her a more indept letter but not about how i was triggered just some other stuff.but she emailed me back.she was so agaiinst me e-mailing and writing letters she even sent one back to me unread.now she asked me if i wanted to write her a letter.so im giving it a try i just hope she doesnt read it outloud

[granite1]

im already starting to think sending this letter was a bad idea .i'm getting really uptite about it.i'm thinking about all the bad that could come out of it.maybe she will decide not to read it like she did the last letter i sent.i doubt it though.she has been asking me to write.

[peaches100]

Granite,

I think you had a huge, awesome insight!! I hope you can work up the courage to share it with your t. It's big stuff. It's so insightful of you to have figured out a link between your reaction to your t and your reaction back in childhood.

Try not to fret about the sent letter. After all, you said she invited you to write one. It'll all work out.

[granite1]

thanks for everyone who took the time to respond.i really really appreciate it and it means so much.i'm not having a great morning at all i keep feeling these yucky and angry feelings and thinking about all of this and thinking back to those days and getting more angry.like i was taking ashower.this will usually ground me quite a bit but instead i get these same angry child like feelings and memories.and it is AWFUL.i cant see how any T can hepl me with feeling like this at all

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((( GRANITE )))))))))))))) I put you in caps because you are growing my love. Lots of people can't touch their feelings at all; the rollercoaster isn't more fun than that but it's a step in the right direction.
Please go gently; listen to some calm music or go out into the sunshine and breeze; hug a cat or dog or a sweet baby and console yourself a little. The one thing certain about waves of feeling is that ... believe it or not... they do calm down after a while. Many safe hugs to you

[granite1]

((((SITTING)))) i hope so because all i really want to do right now is have a huge tempertantrum and scream untill i cant screan anymore but i'm really scared ill never stop and ill end up drugged up in some hospital with the room to take me.so believe me i'm trying to keep a tight wrap on things just dont know if it will work.i have to work in a few hours and unlike other days today i need to deal with people.the last time i felt this way and had to go to work i had a huge panic attack and the esr draged me to the hospital because i couldnt breathe.i have a hard time calling out also they get angry

[rainbow8]

(((((((granite)))))))

I agree with SAWE. Try to do some self-soothing. Focus on the present--the sky, the trees, what's in front of you that's beautiful!!

But I think T CAN help you with the angry, childish feelings. You're onto something BIG here. If you can let T help you, I think getting through this will enable you to talk. I think it's all related. You have to work through the angry, hurt feelings from the past.

Even though you haven't talked much in therapy, you're working so hard because these feelings came out. T will help you with them and then you'll feel SO much better. But it will take time.

I know it's hard right now. I wish I could make the pain go away for you. Can you do something special this week-end, with your H, maybe? Or just for you?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

(((((((granite)))))))

I agree with SAWE. Try to do some self-soothing. Focus on the present--the sky, the trees, what's in front of you that's beautiful!!

But I think T CAN help you with the angry, childish feelings. You're onto something BIG here. If you can let T help you, I think getting through this will enable you to talk. I think it's all related. You have to work through the angry, hurt feelings from the past.

Even though you haven't talked much in therapy, you're working so hard because these feelings came out. T will help you with them and then you'll feel SO much better. But it will take time.

I know it's hard right now. I wish I could make the pain go away for you. Can you do something special this week-end, with your H, maybe? Or just for you?

(((rain ))0you are so awsome i dont know a lot about self soothing i just kind of am waiting for this to pass.i worry that i will act out what i see in my head in therapy if i ever just let myself feel all this .i have kind of have done that in the past and it isnt helpfull.i soo want to know how to feel safe with these awful feeling because i don't and dont think my T could either

[granite1]

thanks so much everyone going to take another shower and write in my journal and hopefully go to work and just hold it together i think i can i noone gives me a hard time.i think having to go to work feeling this way is the worst.weepow wow you are amazing how do you do it?i'm so ragefull right now it is no fun

[pachyderm]

granite, you bring back memories I had not thought of for a long time. The hatred that that treatment (being sent away, locked up, etc.) represented. Remembering the feeling of being hated. The fear that overwhelmed. I wish I could remember more details.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

granite, you bring back memories I had not thought of for a long time. The hatred that that treatment (being sent away, locked up, etc.) represented. Remembering the feeling of being hated. The fear that overwhelmed. I wish I could remember more details.

(((pachy))) i'm sorry to bring up such horrable memories for you i promice no more about this ok

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by granite1

(((pachy))) i'm sorry to bring up such horrable memories for you i promice no more about this ok

No, I think it is important to remember these things. At least that's the way it feels. When I can remember, even when it is frightening, then it somehow seems more "natural" and understandable. So keep writing (if it helps you).

[WePow]

((((Granite))))) I agree with Patchy - it is important to write this out or somehow process it. You need that. I hope that you are doing better with all of this today and somehow able to get it a bit more settled inside.

[granite1]

so i think it was ok to know why all this was so triggering and how mad it got me but going to therapy is totally freaking me out now because i'm starting to think about the letter i sent her and how i told her how angry i was and about liking sitting on the floor and all this stuff.now i feel really messed up because i know feeling this way is wrong and messed up and i so didnt want T to know this about me at all.stuff like i get so angry at something so stupid as going upstairs first and all.i am going to feel like a freak walking upstairs tomorrow esp if she goes first and the door and blinds are open