[Melbadaze]

Sorry haven't read posts yet. Just came back from my 2nd session this week after Ts' break, I can't begin to tell you how mad my head was this week, T said something to me in session on Monday and I literally couldnt understand the words, she tried to explain it further to help and it just got real crazy, it was only yesterday morning when It came to me what she said after emails back and forth one where T said she was sorry it was her that needed to change and that she used to many words.

I went to session today talking about how before the break when I told her about my desperation at my sh and she suggested working with someone esle sandwiched between other suggesions, but you know my head just picked up on work with someone else suggesion, and that haunted me ever since. So today I told her about that, that its set up the fear that that is what she is going to tell me do and that in my head its already happened and my body is reacting to that and T said I dont think anything I can say can change that feeling but just incase it can I'll tell you that I couldnt stop you if that is what you felt you wanted, to work with someone else, but I from my end have no intention of sending you away and doesn't it tell you something that we are both still here? I said but I forgot that bit, I began to "come too" from my "maddness" of the past couple of weeks and saw that yes we are both still there it was just a fear in my head, and then I said when I told you about my sh I was trying to communinate my desperation to you not wanting to work with that specifically and T said quitely, yes. Then I said its mad becaues I am afraid that I have caused organ damage and that if I have to go to hospital and they said I have kidney damage then I'm petrified that my husband would tell me off, that I feel like a child that will get into trouble if anyone finds out that I have been doing this to myself.

T then said that I think its a renactment of the sa that you experienced as a child the being drawn to it because it made you feel adult grown up and escape from your childhood powerlessness that your mother created and that you had to hide it, had to hide the feelings also from yourself, and then the tears came!! the 2 activitys connected, I could see why I am renacting this punishment on myself and then feeling afraid that I will get into trouble, we sat for a while me just tears falling and then I said I can see everything so clear now, my entire childhood was one of maddness, I was like a spinning top and thought anyone not attracted to drama/excitment/living on the edge were dead, but it was me being attracted to these things because I was escaping my own inner deadness that was forced on me by my adoptive mother and other kids didnt need the maddness, they were already alive! T nodded yes and then asked how I was feeling now? I said so much better, I can understand things so much better now!!

I said to her that I can't go back and change my childhood and T said no but we have changed its meaning, I use to think I was just bad for acting and feeling alive because of my abuse but not realising that I was already vunrable and drawn to it more so then other children that didnt have the set back I had. I said I can see myself as a child always running, laughing shouting over the top and I realised then that was a defence against what I was really experiencing and going through, then the feelings about my sh connected exactly with the feelings of the sa, I was shocked for a while I couldn't speak I just sat with the realisaiton of what I couldnt feel back in childhood but none the less were real and there, the pain, fear, terror, saddness!! T dun good today!

[pachyderm]

I don't understand what "sh" is.

[Melbadaze]

patchy, self harm...

[WePow]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

T then said that I think its a renactment of the sa that you experienced as a child the being drawn to it because it made you feel adult grown up and escape from your childhood powerlessness that your mother created and that you had to hide it, had to hide the feelings also from yourself, and then the tears came!! the 2 activitys connected, I could see why I am renacting this punishment on myself and then feeling afraid that I will get into trouble, we sat for a while me just tears falling and then I said I can see everything so clear now, my entire childhood was one of maddness, I was like a spinning top and thought anyone not attracted to drama/excitment/living on the edge were dead, but it was me being attracted to these things because I was escaping my own inner deadness that was forced on me by my adoptive mother and other kids didnt need the maddness, they were already alive! T nodded yes and then asked how I was feeling now? I said so much better, I can understand things so much better now!!

W O W !!! This is actually a VERY deep connection! I am not sure what to say in reply except thank you for sharing this. I hope you add this to your therapy journal if you keep one - because it is a powerful insight. In fact, I hope you don't mind, but I think I am going to ponder what you shared today about some of my own stuff and SH as well. Powerful insight!!!

[Melbadaze]

oh it was powerful at the time, words here do not do it justice, seems to take something from the experience yesterday, but at the time it was if I reached in and touched that young me and could finally feel her fear and saddness for her for the very first time, pictures and feelings and understanding became intergrated.